Until the Water Falls: July 2018

I recently took the time to compile a list of things I'm entitled to - just by virtue of being human - because I thought it would be constructive for me to consciously remind myself of my self-worth and create a list I could refer back to again and again.

In the past, I have often found it easier to accept that others deserve these things - if anyone else tried to argue that they didn't, I would protest; and yet when I heard the same self-deprecating arguments from myself, I accepted them without question. But I'm trying to make an effort to treat myself just as kindly as I treat others, so if there was something I believed that others deserved, I made sure to include it on my list - because if they deserved it, then so must I.

Some of the things are specific to personal struggles, worded in such a way to target the things I have the most difficulty believing I deserve. Others are more vague and could apply to many different areas of someone's life. Many of them I borrowed verbatim from similar lists I found on the internet, while others were slightly or greatly reworded to better fit my needs. A few I came up with all on my own.

Still, even though this list is somewhat tailored to my own life, this is not just a list of things I deserve, but a list of things everyone deserves. As such, I thought I would share it publicly in case anyone else could also use the reminder.

These are NOT things that are earned. Whether we're old or young; whether we're rich or poor; whether we're male or female or non-binary; whether we're in a relationship with one person or many people, with someone of a different gender or the same gender, or in no relationship whatsoever; whether or not we score high on tests or accomplish arbitrary goals; whether or not we're able-bodied or traditionally attractive; whether or not we ascribe to a certain religion, or any religion at all - we don't have to do anything or be anything to deserve the unalienable rights I have listed below.

I am entitled:

To exist.
To be shown the same level of kindness and respect that I show others.
To form my own opinions.
To share my opinions.
To not share my opinions.
To choose what I share with other people.
To value my privacy.
To select the people I want to spend time with.
To avoid the people I don't want to spend time with.
To cleanse my life of people who don't show me the respect and kindness I deserve.
To have the amount of connection with my friends and family that is healthy and positive for me.
To change my opinion about someone, or change how I interact with them, depending on what I need or want, or what I can handle, at any given time.
To extricate myself from situations that make me uncomfortable.
To refuse to do things I don't want to do or go places I don't want to go.
To choose whether or not to forgive someone.
To desire things.
To need things.
To consume things.
To appreciate things.
To dislike things.
To put my needs and desires first.
To own property and have my property respected by others.
To allow myself or my possessions to take up physical space in the world - whether at home, in a public place, at my desk at work, in my car on the road, while traveling, etc.
To drive as I want to drive (in accordance with driving laws).
To live where I want to live.
To take up verbal space in the world.
To speak up if I want to speak up.
To join a conversation happening near me - or to choose not to join a conversation happening near me.
To start a conversation.
To seek out and find people eager to listen to what I have to say.
To seek out and find people who try to understand me.
To take up space on social media.
To post what I want to on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. without worrying that I might be offending or annoying others with the content or frequency of my posts.
To write what I want to write - in novels, short stories, poems, blog posts, etc. - without worrying that I might make other people uncomfortable, upset, angry, or hurt.
To eat what I want to eat.
To turn down offered food - with or without explanation.
To change my diet requirements/allowances as I see fit.
To weigh what I weigh.
To wear what I want to wear.
To decorate my body as I see fit (including jewelry, hair color/style, tattoos, etc.)
To use the bathroom when I need to.
To listen to my body's needs.
To enjoy and celebrate my body.
To find myself attractive.
To find others attractive.
To enjoy sex.
To have the sex life I want to have (within consensual relationships).
To decide when and how many children to have, and to have this decision respected.
To raise my children as I want to raise them.
To try new things.
To not try new things.
To make mistakes.
To figure out my own preferences.
To make my own choices.
To alter my personal priorities whenever I want.
To pursue or accept opportunities that I want.
To turn down opportunities I don't want.
To not feel pressured or coerced.
To request adequate time to make an important decision.
To accept compliments or gifts that others give me, without feeling like I don't deserve them or that I owe them a compliment or gift in return.
To feel happy.
To be hopeful or optimistic.
To feel upset.
To cry, or to keep crying, or to stop crying, or to not cry at all.
To tell others how I really feel.
To not tell others how I really feel.
To demonstrate emotion without worrying how my emotions might impact others.
To do things or feel things without justifying my actions or emotions (to myself or to others).
To spend time alone.
To spend time with people who care about me.
To receive care and understanding when I'm going through a difficult time.
To ask for help.
To set my own goals and pursue them as doggedly or lazily as I want.
To evaluate, revaluate, and change my goals as I see fit.
To be recognized and respected for my efforts.
To be fairly compensated for my hard work.
To define myself as I want to define myself.
To be my own person.
To practice self-care, in whatever way I need to at the time.
To forgive myself.
To be kind to myself.
To be proud of myself.
To love myself.
To love every part of myself.
To allow myself to shine.

***

Some of these points I feel require a bit of explanation, to stave off possible arguments for why they shouldn't be included - for example, "I am entitled to feel happy." This doesn't mean that I expect to always be happy - I'm realistic enough to understand that deserving happiness doesn't guarantee I will actually get it. What I mean when I say "I deserve happiness" is that I am allowed to feel happy. I can be happy without feeling guilty or undeserving. And I am allowed to pursue happiness, too - to want to be happy.

The statement "I am entitled to cry, or to keep crying, or to stop crying, or to not cry at all" has similar connotations. I'm saying that I'm allowed to cry, or not cry. I don't have to try to police my feelings or feel guilty for feeling them (or not feeling them). It is not up to anybody else to tell me what I'm allowed to feel, or how I'm allowed to express how I feel. Of course, this doesn't mean that those around me who witness me crying will be comfortable with my display, or that they will support me, and this doesn't mean that I will never face negative consequences for displaying my emotions. I can hope that I will be met with care and understanding more often than not, but I can't guarantee that that will always be the outcome.

Some of these are things I am in complete control of - being kind to myself, loving myself, making my own choices - and I have no excuse for not ensuring that I achieve those things but the roadblocks I construct for myself. But other points - spending time with people who care about me, having my property and my person respected by others, receiving care and understanding when I'm going through a difficult time - necessarily rely on other people to cooperate with my goals, and to value myself as I am striving to do. Other people will not always be able to fulfill this role for me - and though I'm trying to prioritize generating self-worth, I'm not always able to give myself the things I'm in control over, either.

Just because I am listing out such things as things I deserve, then, doesn't mean that I actually expect to get them 100% of the time. This world is not a fair one, and everybody will not be able to get all of the things they want, let alone the things they need. But there is still value in reminding myself that I deserve these things, even if I don't expect to always get them - because reminding myself that I deserve them encourages me to seek out better relationships and environments if the ones I have are not adequately supporting me, and reminds me not to blame myself when bad things happen in my life, worrying that I deserve what I get.

As for the points about sharing or not sharing my opinions, expressing myself as I want to, and having the opportunity available to me to not offer explanations about my feelings, behaviors, or choices - believing that I'm entitled to do or not do those things as I see fit does not mean I expect no one to comment on them. People have eyes and are allowed to notice or be curious about my choices. They're allowed to take up their own verbal space (just as I am) and voice their contradictory opinions, cast judgments, or try to start a debate with me. But they aren't entitled to anything I don't want to share with them, and if I choose to keep explanations to myself or to not engage with them in conversation, I am entitled to make that choice. People are allowed to ask me questions. But they aren't entitled to hear the answer they want, the answer that is "socially acceptable" or even any answer at all, if I don't want to give one.

The same goes for me. "I am entitled to receiving care and understanding when I'm going through a difficult time" does not mean "I am entitled to receiving care and understanding from this specific person." People can make their own choices about how they interact with me, just as I can make my own choices about how to interact with them. But if I don't like the interaction, and it is not a positive in my life, I am allowed to abandon it. I am allowed to seek out other people who will give me what I need. And others are allowed to get frustrated with me, if my interactions with them are not what they are looking for; they are allowed to look elsewhere for the solutions they need or the answers they want to hear.

People are allowed to form their own opinions about me. I can't control what others think. However, I do not have to listen to someone's negative opinions about me if I don't want to. I can choose whose opinions I agree with or give merit to. I can choose what sort of people I let into my life.

I often care too much about other's opinions, trying to cater to everyone else's emotions or preferences over my own. Even when I can't know how someone really feels, or what someone prefers, I try to guess and cater to what I think they want. This bad habit is what I am trying to combat with the bullet points of taking up physical space in the world, verbal space (speaking up), and space on social media, as well as my statement about being entitled to drive how I want to drive, or use the bathroom when I need to.

I am allowed to take up physical space - with my body, with my car on the road, and with my property. I am also allowed to speak up and say what I want to say, without worrying what others might think of me. Sometimes I convince myself not to share, even if I secretly want to, because it feels presumptuous to assume that others will want to hear what I have to say. I especially curb what I say or write if I'm worried that it might offend someone. On social media, I worry that if I post a lot, it would be annoying - and I don't want to be annoying. But I am entitled to share what I want to share - both in content and frequency, both in social media and in person. People can decide for themselves if they want to pay attention or engage with what I'm sharing; it is just as presumptuous of me to make that decision for them by choosing not to share something when I want to.

As for driving - I have in the past found myself caring too much about what other drivers on the road might think of me or want me to do. I sometimes feel pressured to drive or turn faster than I want to, just from the presence of a car behind me. They don't have to be tailgating me, they just have to be there. I imagine that they might want to drive faster, or that they are growing impatient with me waiting for an opening to turn, and so I change my behaviors to act more like how I think they want me to act. I even feel bad sometimes if I have a green light at an intersection where several other cars are stopped at a red light; I feel that they deserve a green light more than I do. These bad habits and negative thought patterns - the constant worry of "but what do others want me to do right now?" - are what I'm addressing when I assert "I am entitled to drive how I want to drive." I'm not saying I'm above driving laws and that I can drive however I want; I am saying only that I am entitled to make the little decisions that we all make every time we drive with my own preferences in mind, rather than trying to cater to what I think other's preferences might be. I am allowed to slow down to make a turn, or to wait for the opening that I want before turning or changing lanes. I am allowed to pass someone, or to not pass someone, as I want to. My car is allowed to take up physical space on the road - I don't need to feel guilty going through a green light, just because there are others who want their light to be green right now but don't have one. I am allowed to be there; I am allowed to drive.

I have also been known to worry about what others might think of me if I use the bathroom "too often." I once read a piece (probably on the internet somewhere, but I can't find it now) about how men listen to their body's needs more than women do - if they need to pee, they go to the bathroom; if they're hungry, they get some food and eat; if they're thirsty, they drink some water. It doesn't occur to them to wonder if they might be "allowed" to, or what others might think of them if they do - but even if they did wonder, it wouldn't matter. If their body needs something, they will go for it, because having their needs met is more important than what judgments anyone else might make.

Now, I'm sure that's a gross generalization - some men will struggle to prioritize their body's needs and instead put other's opinions (or perceived opinions) first. But I do believe, from personal experience if nothing else, that women are probably more likely to fall into this trap. I've seen women refuse to grab themselves a snack even while their stomachs are audibly growling, unless or until they are absolutely sure that they're "allowed" to, that they won't be spoiling their appetites for future meals that might be planned, and that their food eating won't offend anyone who might witness it; when they do finally give in and go into the kitchen, they ask if anyone else wants anything as well. (I am often one of those women myself.) Meanwhile, I've seen men make themselves a snack when someone is in the middle of preparing them dinner - not once stopping to worry if the food preparer might be offended by his apparent impatience, and without asking around to see if anyone else might also be hungry.

I'm not against the idea of being aware of my surroundings, taking a moment to see if what I'm about to do is appropriate, or trying to anticipate what others might need - but I definitely tend to overdo all of those things, to the point where I deny myself what I need if I think there's even a chance that I might offend or annoy someone, or draw "unwarranted" attention to myself. Yet, I am an adult, I am a human, I am alive. I have needs that have to be met, and if I don't prioritize them, who else will? If I'm hungry, I am allowed to eat. And if I need to use the bathroom, I am entitled to use the bathroom.

I am allowed to care for myself. I am also allowed to accept help from others. I do not have to feel unworthy if someone does something nice for me. That was their choice, their prerogative. I don't have to feel bad, guilty, or undeserving of unexpected nice gestures, gifts, or compliments - or even just common decency and respect. What's more, I don't owe anything in return to those who choose to give them to me. Other people get to decide what they want (even if that decision is doing something genuinely nice to me), and I get to decide what I want (even if that is rejecting their kindness, or accepting their kindness but rejecting them). I don't owe anybody anything, for any reason.

***

None of those bullet points should be items of contention. No one should have a problem with anyone, regardless of how that person looks or what they do or what family they come from, standing up and saying any one of those points - aloud and assertively.

But there are people who have a problem with it.

There are people who insist that only some feelings are valid and that others are unacceptable or inappropriate, especially when demonstrated by specific groups (e.g. masculine men).

There are people who insist on being in charge of other's decisions - people who get bent out of shape when someone deigns to voice an opinion different than theirs, or make choices different than the choices they want the person to make.

There are people who insist that their discomfort seeing something they don't want to see (e.g. a man acting effeminately, or two women getting married, or a breastfeeding mother, or a young person dying their hair blue, or a large person wearing form-fitting fashion) is more important than anyone else's discomfort in not getting to make the choices they want to make for their lives.

There are people who insist that when a man takes a woman out on a date, she owes him certain favors in return.

There are people who insist that only some are entitled to fair compensation for their work - and others are not worth even a living wage.

There are people who insist that some people are more entitled to use the bathroom - or at least, certain bathrooms - than others, and people who insist that entire races of people should be denied working public water fountains just because of the color of their skin.

There are people who insist that only those with the money to afford it should be granted the "privilege" of living in the city they want to live in, or receiving medical care during times of physical need, or being allowed to eat when they are hungry.

There are people who would read my list and snort at me derisively, calling my entire generation "entitled" - as if "entitled" were a bad word.

As if that list of reminders I've created for myself in an effort to convince myself of their certainty is a pandemic that needs to be cured.

As if these meager assertions of self-worth have always lived easily and selfishly in my soul, and were not hard-won through years of journaling and contemplation and therapy and internal debate.

As if I need to be reminded instead that I am NOT entitled - that I am less-than, that I am nothing.

To those people, I reassert: I am entitled. It is not an insult. I'm entitled to life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness - same as everyone else.

People who disagree with that assertion tend to agree with the first part of that sentence - "I'm entitled to life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness" - as it applies to them. It is the expanding of entitlements to other people that they have a problem with. They think certain groups of people are different than people like them - and entitlements like the ones I listed do not belong to them all.

They do. These entitlements belong to everyone. And these entitlements belong to me.

This will be my last blog post featuring photos taken on my recent (early April) NYC vacation. I've posted so many already - skyscrapers, other buildings, street views, urban flowers, Central Park views, and lots and lots of pictures from the Botanical Gardens in the Bronx - that you're probably sick of all these posts. :) But for me, they're a nice chance to share part of my vacation with the world, as well as make sure I have a back up of my favorite photos, so that just in case something were to happen to my computer, my external hard drive, and my cloud backup of all my thousands upon thousands of vacation and flower photos, I also have this blog to house some of my photos too.

We were very fortunate when visiting the Botanical Gardens to get a sort of backstage tour, courtesy of my husband's cousin Eric, who is a horticulturalist there. He took us around the grounds in a golf cart, pointing out some of his favorite places and introducing us to his coworkers and students - and also took us into the staff-only greenhouses to show us what flowers they have growing/are keeping in storage there. Just like art museums have more to their collection than what is shown to the general public, so too does the NY Botanical Gardens have more to their plant "collection" behind closed doors.

Here are some of my favorite photos of some of the plants we saw on our whirlwind trip through the staff greenhouses with Eric (and some photos from the staging areas, where staff were getting ready to add plants to various gardens or planters around the grounds):