Future Me

So there's this really cool website called FutureMe.org that you should really check out, especially if you're at all interested in self-reflection or journaling. The concept is simple - you write whatever you want to tell your future self, pick a date in the future to send your message to, and supply them with your email address. Then, on whatever future day you picked, you get a surprise email from the past!

(You can read more about the concept here.)

I wrote myself a letter back in September 2014 to be delivered one year into the future, and I received the email a couple months ago (Sept. 2015).

I started the email by asking myself how some of my friends and family were doing. (Has so-and-so made that change they wanted to? Gotten that job/graduated/moved/etc.?) I also asked about myself:

"Am I making money from my art now? Do I have a thriving Etsy shop? Am I painting and drawing more?"

"How are my novels coming along? I'm just finishing the first two (again) this week and then I plan start looking into sending feelers out to agents and publishers while I continue on writing the rest of the series. Am I doing this?"

"Did we get a puppy? How is Tyler doing? He's about to turn 16 this year and though he's a bit blind and deaf and occasionally unsteady on his feet, he seems pretty good for almost 16!"

I was amazed at how accurate many of my predictions turned out to be. (Though they were written in question form, really they were predictions.) We did get a puppy. I did make (some) money on my art. I have started to send out query letters for my story. I did quit substitute teaching. Even mundane things came true - we did plant new trees in our backyard.

Of course, some things didn't happen - but they were all things I had little/no control over, so I can hardly be blamed. Like putting Tyler down three months shy of his seventeenth birthday. Or things I expected to happen in the lives of my family/friends that didn't (yet) pan out.

What really struck me though was the tone of the email, especially at the end. It started out innocently enough, making predictions about what might be going on in my life and the lives of those closest to me, but it ended with sort of a desperate plea that the future would be better than where I was at the time. Honestly, I sound almost legitimately depressed - but I think I was just having a really bad day on that particular September 2014 day, and that it was in fact my not feeling great and being worried about stagnancy that prompted me to write the letter in the first place. I don't think I felt like that every day.

"Tell me good news. Tell me everything is okay. At the very least, tell me that it is not ridiculous to have these dreams. Tell me I am happy, or nearly happy, or working toward being happy. Tell me something has changed - for the better - in the last 12 months that made those 12 months worth living. Tell me that all I am feeling now is just a distant memory. Tell me that life is great. And tell the truth."

It surprises me though how desperate I sounded. I guess it's good that it surprised me - because that means I haven't felt that down in awhile.

I got a little dramatic in that letter, but I've also used FutureMe for more "everyday" things - like sending myself reminders. I recently hosted a Thanksgiving dinner for my family (my first ever hosting!) and though it all turned out pretty well, there were a couple small changes I plan to do in the future, or things I wanted to remind myself about what did work best - i.e. "Make fewer desserts" and "Don't put foil on the turkey drumsticks too soon" and the recipe for the sparkling cider punch that was so delicious. So I wrote a quick email to myself with that information and sent it off to November 2016 so it'll appear in my inbox and remind me of precisely the things I wanted to remember.

I love stuff like this, though. That's sort of what these blog posts are too - memories. I don't tend to go back and reread my blogs much after I write them, but when I write in my personal journals, I do go back and reread. I have nearly forty journals (small notebooks) I've kept over the years - from my first diary in first grade (filled with atrocious spelling) to my current journal, which has a great picture of Rome on the cover and a map of the city on the back cover. Every few years, I dig all my old journals out and reread them; I'm in the process of typing them up onto my computer so I have a digital version (in case, God forbid, anything should happen to the journals someday). I don't type every word, but I type the "good stuff" - the stuff I definitely want to remember.

It's amazing to me, going back and rereading those journals, how much has changed - and how much hasn't. It's like reading about history, and how everyday people lived in ancient Rome, or what the ancient Roman emperors and philosophers wrote about. Sometimes I'm like, wow, humans have NOT changed in the last two millennia; we have exactly the same concerns and reflections and ideas now that we had back then. And other times I'm like, fuck no, life is so much better now than it was then! Ancient history sounds awful! I'm so glad that's behind us. Rereading old journals is just like that - but on a personal scale. I get a really big kick out of it.

Why Roses?

I was recently contacted by a high school student who read my thesis and was wondering why I'd chosen to use roses in my watercolor paintings. I've touched about that a little on here already, but today I thought I'd share the response I wrote to her, since I go into the rose in more detail.

She asked if I used the rose for personal reasons, just because I think it's a pretty flower, or if I feel as though it best represents the female anatomy.

I replied:

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I don't know if I would say the rose *best* represents female anatomy. It has been used historically to represent female genitalia in some cases, but in other cases it represents purity, chastity, almost the *absence* of female genitalia/female sexuality. In Northern Renaissance art, the rose and lily both became popular symbols for the Virgin Mary - and her anatomy is only important as it pertains to her ability to act as a vessel and to give birth (both passive activities), but not to be used for sex or self-expression or anything that might grant her agency. Throughout the Victorian era too, roses were very commonly used as symbols of sexual innocence and purity.

(I talk more about the negative symbolism of roses on my blog -
untilthewaterfalls.blogspot.com/2015/09/negative-symbolism.html)

I liked that ambiguity - the fact that the rose has been used as positive symbolism and negative symbolism both. I think it widens the variety of interpretations viewers might see in my work. 

If the rose is a stand-in for sexual purity, and my watercolors show that rose being stabbed with straight pins, it could indicate a desire to eradicate sexual purity - that is, the antiquated ideas about chastity and the double standards of sexuality the different genders face. If the rose is, on the other hand, a stand-in for sexuality and female genitalia, then the rose being stabbed demonstrates the desire many people (unfortunately) have to continue to restrain female sexuality and self-expression. The patriarchy. So-called "meninists." Anyone who is desperate to uphold the current systems of privilege and oppression so that men continue to benefit and women are limited.

As for personal reasons, I talk a lot on my blog about my struggle to find and maintain confidence (with sexuality, but also just in general). Particularly in this post -

untilthewaterfalls.blogspot.com/2015/09/feminine-layers.html

"When I started this painting, I wasn't necessarily thinking of flowers as symbols for female genitalia; I chose flowers and I chose patterns for aesthetic reasons. But as I painted, and as I started thinking about what drew me to that aesthetic choice, and as I heard what others in my class were saying about the painting during critique, I realized that I could create a pretty powerful message (or, rather, pretty powerful messages - because I don't believe any art can be or should be interpreted in only one way, even if the artist had one specific way in mind) if I used that well-known symbolism to guide a viewer's interpretation in a certain direction."

"I painted this watercolor when I was 20 years old. I had only had one boyfriend (and still have only had one relationship, for that boyfriend became the man I married), and had very little sexual experience. I was - and often still am - ashamed and mystified by my own body and by the idea of sex. I did not know how to talk about it or what to think about it. I understood that it would be great, would be liberating, to have positive feelings about my body and about sex, but I was not there yet (and would argue that I am still not there today, six years later)."

And in this post -

untilthewaterfalls.blogspot.com/2015/09/silk-caution-poisoned-rose.html

"I saw sex (in general) and my vagina (specifically) as shameful and mortifying. Still, I happily, willingly, and actively participated in my own sexual repression because I thought it's what I was supposed to do, what good girls did, what good Christians did. I was even kind of perversely proud at the extent of my vagina's "purity" - that it had never even been besmirched by my own fingers or a tampon."

"And then I took a Humanities class my senior year of high school, and I learned about other religions and historical attitudes and I started considering the negative side of gender roles for the first time. And then, as I grew enlightened and liberated in my thinking, I also grew ashamed and mortified of my shame and mortification. I decided everything I had grown up believing was wrong. I decided I wanted to figure out how to use tampons and I wanted to have sex and I wanted to explore my body and find confidence in my sexuality and I wanted to experience an orgasm. I also decided that my Christian upbringing was at least partly at fault for the attitudes I had about myself and my sexuality, a realization that led to (but was not the sole reasoning behind) my decision to step away from Christianity. I realized that I no longer believed in God. I tried to have faith in myself, instead."

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Though I don't mention roses specifically, I think it's clear that I was looking at the negative symbolism of roses. I've always liked roses and sort of identified with them, probably because of their connection with purity, chastity, sexual innocence.

Also, there was the simple fact that roses are easy to come by at any florist shop, so they were easy for me to acquire and work from. I do like their shape, and had some experience painting roses already, which was helpful. There are plenty of cultivated varieties to work from, which gives me a wide range of choice for composition, even while staying within the rose family. And because roses are so ubiquitous, everyone is able to recognize them.

As with any decision we make in our lives, there's not really *one* reason I chose to use the rose in my paintings.

Hope that helps! There's a lot more about my thesis on that blog too, if you just click around and read the blog posts with the "thesis" label.

Let me know if you have any further questions. :)

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I love talking about my artwork, so if you have any of you have any questions, hit me up! I'd love to start a conversation.

Six Questions

Back in May, I was interviewed for an upcoming Canadian television series about sexuality/sensuality/eroticism in art, which I am told will be shown on ARTV in Montreal in January 2016. (More about the details of where to watch that program once I know more myself!)

"Pinned for Safety" 22"x20" Watercolor Painting by Andrea Arbit

I recently received an email from the group putting together the program (Eureka Productions) that there will be a complementary web component that presents each artist and selection of their works. They sent me a list of questions to answers for the web page, and I thought I'd give you blog viewers a preview by sharing the answers I emailed back. 

These should all be on their website once the program airs, but who doesn't like to be the first to see things? :)

"Bandaged Duality" 22"x30" Watercolor Painting by Andrea Arbit

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- What is the art work that you enjoy the most?

Colored pencil is probably the medium I enjoy the most. I feel most free when I'm drawing, just because I have more experience holding pencils than paintbrushes and I like having complete control over the instrument I wield. That said, watercolor humbles me and intimidates - in a good way - and when I find success with a painting, it often gives me more satisfaction than a drawing would, because I get the feeling of conquering a more difficult process.

- What is your most favorite artist?

I really admire Frida Kahlo. She was never afraid to infuse her paintings with stories of personal trauma. In her painting "Henry Ford Hospital," she literally invites viewers into her hospital room to dissect her physical and emotional pain. Her transparency is aspirational. 

- If you were not an artist, you would be...

A novelist - which is, essentially, a different kind of artist. I've always loved storytelling and writing. I'm actually working on a novel concurrently with my art projects. Eventually it would be great to merge the two into a single medium.

I have also always been interested in psychology - getting in people's heads and understanding why they think and behave the way they do. I reflect on my own thoughts almost constantly, and would enjoy helping others manage their lives as I try to manage mine.

- What do you hate above all?

I hate people who are so self-serving and set in their opinions that they are physically unable to imagine or comprehend the words of those who disagree with them. Everybody has certain topics they believe so rigidly that no amount of friendly debate or personal search for truth will quit them of those beliefs, but we should still be able to talk to each other with open minds and enter every conversation willing to cast doubt on our own assumptions. Empathy is the most important currency in our global economy, and yet often undervalued in favor of stubbornness, greed, apathy, and privilege.

- With whom would you like to have a drink?

As an introvert, there are few people I'd like to go out and have a drink with - but several I'd enjoy exchanging email correspondence with, perhaps. I'd love to pick the brains of Renaissance and Baroque artists like Michelangelo, Caravaggio, and Rubens, to learn their methods and technique. I'd also love to delve into the personal lives and psychology of troubled artists and writers like Van Gogh, Edvard Munch, Jackson Pollock, Sylvia Plath, and Virginia Woolf. I think any dialogue with them would be fascinating.

As for an in-person conversation, I'd love to meet with a future version of myself - an Andrea who has decades more experience with art and life and might be willing to share her acquired wisdom with a younger me. A "Dinner Party" of notable women in history (as Judy Chicago envisioned for her 1979 installation) would also be amazing to witness. If only time travel were possible!

5"x7" Watercolor Painting by Andrea Arbit

- Which artists have influenced you the most and why?

Judy Chicago's idea of "central core imagery" as a common composition among female artists greatly influenced my floral watercolors created for my thesis "Flower Symbolism as Female Sexual Metaphor" - and continues to influence my more abstract pattern watercolors to this day. I've always been drawn to symmetry, often doodling radial patterns on graph paper during math class.

Georgia O'Keeffe's beautiful floral paintings also served as a big influence to me. As a child, before I knew anything about the Freudian interpretations of her work, those large flowers with their gorgeous colors resonated with me. To create art that 1) is aesthetically pleasing and 2) can be layered with nuances of meaning and interpreted in different ways is, to me, the ultimate goal.