Sunday, July 31, 2016

Bedroom Mural

Nearly four years ago, soon after my husband and I bought our house, I painted a "Once Upon a Time" inspired mural on one wall of our bedroom. I detailed the process of painting it in this blog post on my old blog - Interior Design: Blue, Gray & Black Woodsy Bedroom.






My inspiration was the Regina's office in season 1 of "Once Upon a Time" on ABC. I have since stopped watching this show (the last season finally went too far off the deep end for me to care at all about the characters or plot anymore), but the first few seasons were really solid, the first season especially.

Set design for Regina's Office on "OUAT"

Now, my design was obviously a simplified version of these trees, with only four trees and no "background" trees fading into the distance. But the general "black and white" woodsy idea is the same.

The lines are pretty crisp (with very light gray and dark black, the contrast was pretty high - I didn't have much choice on "crispness") but I tried to keep the insides of the trunks loose. The "details" in the bark are just dabs the size of my paintbrush, and every once and while up the tree I made a little circular tree knob in the bark.

I didn't go into it planning on making vagina symbols, but a lot of them sort of ended up looking that way, if you looked at the knob details up close:




I didn't initially intend the genital imagery, but I didn't exactly tone it down once I noticed they sort of looked like stylized vulva folds, either. I continued on with the mural, painting many more of those "knobs" along the trees as I went. Partly for consistency's sake, partly because I liked the way it looked, partly because I liked what it represented, and partly because it's a painting on the wall of my bedroom, the room I share with my husband, and I don't really care what people think of it. Very few people ever see it anyway; if I didn't post these pictures on this blog (or my previous blog, four years ago), even fewer would.

Maybe I see vaginas because I've looked for female genital symbolism in other artworks and purposefully incorporated them into my own; but given how prevalent seeing vaginas in Georgia O'Keeffe's work remains to this day, despite how ardently she denied using intentional vulva imagery, I'm betting I'm not the only one who sees it.

I don't always mean to make my work feminist or feminine or to have a specific message, but sometimes that stuff creeps in anyway - just because they are things on my mind, or things I've done before. It's like "muscle memory" - after working on my thesis watercolors from 2009-2010 the idea of incorporating female genital symbolism was still familiar enough in my mind and to my paintbrush-holding hand that I added it in even when I didn't start out with that goal.

I don't think, "Oh, vaginas!" every time I go into my bedroom. I think of that stylized sort of design as sort of a mix of genitalia and general "femaleness" anyway - the idea of "central core imagery," which includes but is not limited to vaginas. They're little vortexes folded into lines of paint dabs. They don't have to mean anything if I don't wish them to. We can always choose what we see or interpret in art, and that interpretation may evolve over time, or vacillate from day to day. But on days when I need a reminder that femininity is not weak, that bodies are beautiful, that sexuality is not something to be ashamed of, or that moments of meaning can be hidden in anything if we look hard enough or choose to put them there - it is nice to have those vaginas on my wall to give me that reminder.


Wednesday, July 27, 2016

New Acrylic Painting in Progress

Awhile ago I bought a pack of seven 12"x12" stretched canvas from Michaels while they were having a sale. Then, I remembered that I had several 12"x12" designs already created on my computer from a few years ago - compositions that combined patterns and flowers in Adobe Photoshop.

I made these designs to work as digital scrapbook paper; I had thoughts of printing my own 12"x12" scrapbook paper to sell, and in 2014 specifically bought a large format printer that could print up to that size. Unfortunately, the printer had a lot of issues, including NOT being able to print the size I wanted, or print on any of the cardstock types I wanted to print on, and I ended up returning it to the store and investing in a different type of printer instead.

But I still have several 12"x12" digital designs that I'd already created with scrapbooking in mind, and they're just sitting on my computer waiting to be used somewhere. I looked through them, selected my favorite seven (or the seven that I thought would best translate to acrylic) and am now trying to "recreate" these digital collages as a square acrylic painting on canvas.

Each painting will have a different "main" color. This first one is yellow, and the subject matter is black eyed susans. In fact, I think most of the black eyed susan imagery I used in the digital collage came from the same black eyed susan photo that I used for This Busted World in my recent Cloud Atlas Sextet Series - but I feel okay about "reusing" this source material again, because the general color scheme, composition, and painting style are very different between the two works.

Here is This Busted World:

"This Busted World" - 8"x10" Acrylic on Paper

And here is the new painting I am working on:




On the left, you can see the printout of the composition. The background is yellow, with some blurry black stripes. Black eyed susans float around and through the background in different transparent or opaque layers. And yellow and black lines of pattern work their way over and under the flowers, integrating into the petals.

I did not want to trace the exact design onto the canvas to create this painting, as I did for This Busted World and the others in that series. I wanted to use more variations in tone rather than just picking four colors, and I wanted a generally looser style. So to start, I only drew a faint sketch onto the canvas of where the main flowers would be placed. Then, I just dived in and started painting.

First, I added color to the background:





Then, I made sure to mark the dark centers of the flowers so that I could keep track of them as I added more and more layers.





I added some orange shadows:





And some green ones:





And then I started filling in the petals:










This is basically the "first layer" of the piece. Now that I have (most of) the canvas covered in paint, I can go back in and add dimension and depth, flower by flower. I try to work on it a couple hours a week (squeezing this "side project" in between working on editing my novel and planning for a large colored pencil drawing I'll be starting soon), and hope to be finished with it by the end of August.

It is still keeping its "loose" style so far, but I don't know how long that will last. I tend to "overwork" things - or maybe I just prefer things to look exact, detailed, intentional, and clean, because that's how my paintings usually end up. We'll see how this one goes!

Oh - and it's name is Find a Proverbial Mountain. I wanted to make sure to give them all titles early this time, so that I can make the paintings go with the titles as I work; rather than deciding on a title at the end.

I've gotten several likes on the pics I've posted on Instagram of this painting so far:







In this last pic, you can see how I've started to add some dimensionality into the top right flower and the background around it, giving it a more 3D look.

Lots of work still to do, but it's starting to get there!

Friday, July 22, 2016

The Books of David Mitchell

Last month, I posted a series of my favorite quotes from David Mitchell's novel Cloud Atlas, connecting his words to my recent set of six acrylic paintings. In that post, I mentioned that I was in the process of reading through all his novels in chronological order by publication date, and that I would write another post when I was finished, compiling some of my favorite ideas and quotes from his oeuvre. Today is that post.

After months of reading and rereading (many of his books I had read before, but not all of them), I finally finished Slade House a few weeks ago. And now I'm finally getting around to reflecting on his "David Mitchell universe" as a whole.

My favorite Mitchell book is, obviously, Cloud Atlas. Not only do I find his characters in that book particularly compelling/relatable; I also prefer the explanation given in that book for how souls can connect throughout time. This connection is mystical/spiritual in nature, not overt, and rather inexplicable. It creeps up in moments of deja vu, or in the process of living a creative life. Some characters feel connected to each other intuitively, or even seem to remember things that didn't happen to them - things that might have happened in a past life, but not in the one they are living. Some recognize these moments of deja vu and interpret them as reincarnation - not "proof" of its existence, per se, but enough to warrant contemplation of the possibility. Still other characters do not explicitly feel like they are a reincarnation; they have no specific memories. And yet, they too are connected to other characters, even though they may never realize it. They read their diaries, listen to their compositions, read their manuscripts, watch their movies, or learn of them in history books, revering what they do not understand and worshipping them as gods.

I don't know if "souls" are truly reincarnated or not, and in any case there is hardly a way to prove definitively either way. But humans are able to feel inexplicable kinship with one another, and we do pass down bits of ourselves (our feelings, our experiences, our ideas) in creative works we produce and the legacy we leave behind. (Of course I want to believe that is true. I am an artist and a writer; I make things in the hopes that the things I make will connect with people, both now and in the future. I want to leave a "mark" on the world that will outlive my mortal body.)

And it is precisely this idea of intuitive connection and passing down creative works to future generations that Cloud Atlas embodies so well - which is why I love it so much. It feels real. It is something that I could buy happening to our world.

In contrast, Mitchell's other books that deal with the idea of a soul take a more "science fiction" approach (The Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet, Bone Clocks, and Slade House). Without giving too much away, these books create a world in which (some) people are perfectly aware of their souls and the souls living in other people, and steps are made to try to ensure immortality by using this soul-knowledge to their advantage. There is a behind the scenes "war" in which people nurture themselves at the expense of others, and others do their damnedest to stop them.

It's an exciting story, to be sure - and certainly seems to be the way Mitchell is going for future books, given that his last three books all deal, at least partly, with this idea. But it is decidedly different than the more believable, more relatable, more mystical, and - I think - more fascinating way that souls and people interact in Cloud Atlas.

That said, there is something to be gotten out of each of his books - even the ones that don't seem to touch on the idea of a soul/reincarnation. Here are some of my favorite quotes from each of his books:

[WARNING: MILD SPOILERS AHEAD.]

---

Ghostwritten (1999)

"We abdicate certain freedoms, and in return we get civilization."

"All these people, flyovers, cars, walkways, subways, offices, tower blocks, power cables, pipes, apartments, it all adds up to a lot of weight. You have to do something to stop yourself caving in, or you just become a piece of flotsam or an ant in a tunnel...You have to make your place inside your head."

"It's better to fight and lose than not fight and suffer, because even if you fight and lose your spirit emerges intact."

"The her that lived in her looked out through her eyes, through my eyes, and at the me that lives in me."

"For a moment I had an odd sensation of being in a story that someone was writing."

"I wonder if computers ever dream of humans."

"She didn't come in the dramatic way they do in movies. Nothing was hurled across the room, no ghosts in the machine, no silly messages typed on my computer or spelled out with fridge magnet letters. Nothing like Poltergeist or The Exorcist. More like a medical condition, that, while terminal, grows in such small increments that it is impossible to diagnose until too late."

"I'm sorry, but I don't have any spare time to give you."

"I'm this person, I'm this person, I'm that person, I'm that person too."

"Now that I'm dying again I recognize the signs."

"The Holy Mountain didn't care about the stupid world of men."

"'The world's gone mad,' I said. 'Again.' 'And it will right itself,' said my Tree. 'Again.'"

"Kindness always make me weep. I don't know why."

"I added 'writers' to my list of people not to trust. They make everything up."

"With the intuition of an old dying woman, I know she isn't telling the whole truth. With the certainty of an old dying woman, I know it's not the truth that much matters."

"It is so much easier to destroy than it is to re-create."

"I have only one fear: to be inhabiting a human at the moment of death."

"There's no future in stories...Stories are things of the past, things for museums."

"I am my mind - do I have a mind I don't know about within my mind, like humans?...How do I know that there aren't noncorpa living within me, controlling my actions? Like a virus within a bacteria? Surely I would know. But that's exactly what humans think."

"Everything is about wanting."

"It's a very special talent that men have, to possess seeing eyes yet be so blind."

"But what if the rats happened to like being in the maze?"

"Does chance or fate control our lives? Well, the answer is as relative as time. If you're in your life, chance. Viewed from the outside, like a book you're reading, it's fate all the way."

"The act of memory is an act of ghostwriting."

"We're all ghostwriters, my boy. And it's not just our memories. Our actions, too. We all think we're in control of our own lives, but really they're pre-ghostwritten by forces around us."

"Anyone can predict effects from a given cause."

"Memories are their own descendants masquerading as the ancestors of the present."

"Even time is not immune to time."

"In five hundred years we are going to be either extinct, or...something better."

"The human world is made of stories, not people. The people the stories use to tell themselves are not to be blamed."

"Disbelieving the reality under your feet gives you a license to print your own."

"History is made of arbitrary choices."

"Information is control."

"Will my soul find a path out of these tunnels?"

---

Number9Dream (2003)

"A book you finish reading is not the same book it was before you read it."

"Dreams are shores where the ocean of spirit meets the land of matter. Dreams are beaches where the yet-to-be, the once-were, the will-never-be may walk awhile with the still are."

"Maybe the meaning of life lies in looking for it."

"Your turn has come to sift through the dreck of humanity for rare specks of originality."

"Human beings despise what is beautiful and good, and seek to destroy the things they need the most."

"The body is the outermost layer of the mind."

"I forget that other people in the world have broken parts, too."

"During those nine pouched-up months, what do babies imagine? Gills, swamps, battlefields? To people in wombs, what is imagined and what is real must be one and the same."

"People prefer loneliness to harmony."

---

Cloud Atlas (2004)

(For quotes from Cloud Atlas see my previous post.)

---

Black Swan Green (2006)

"Adults can't be expected to understand."

"Games and sports're really about humiliating your enemies."

"It's not that I'll die that bothers me. It's that I'll be the last one."

"Dead things show you what you'll be too one day."

"Mentioning my stammer makes it realler."

"Try to will it out of existence, it'll just will itself back stronger."

"Identify a demand, handle its supply, make your customers grateful, kill off the opposition."

"Human beings needs to watch out for reasonless niceness too. It's never reasonless and its reason's not usually nice."

"The earth's a door, if you press your ear against it."

"War's an auction where whoever can pay the most in damage and still be standing wins."

"How can the world just go on, as if none of this is happening?"

"War may be an auction for countries. For soldiers it's a lottery."

"Wars do not simply appear from nowhere. Wars come, over a long period of time, and believe me, there is always plenty of blame to be shared out between all those who failed to prevents its bloody arrival."

"I want to bloody kick this moronic bloody world in the bloody teeth over and over till it bloody understands that not hurting people is ten bloody thousand times more bloody important than being right."

"Prettiness often papers over nastiness."

"Often I think boys don't become men. Boys just get papier-mached inside a man's mask. Sometimes you can tell the boy is still in there."

"Isn't no god better than one who does that to people?"

"The world unmakes stuff faster than people can make it."

"If you show someone something you've written, you give them a sharpened stake, lie down in your coffin, and say, 'When you're ready.'"

"Beauty is not excellence. Beauty is distraction, beauty is cosmetics, beauty is ultimately fatigue."

"Your potter has made the vase, yes, but has not made the beauty. Only an object where beauty resides. Until the vase is dropped and breaks. Who is the ultimate fate of every vase."

"If you are not truthful to the world about who and what you are, your art will stink of falseness."

"Truth is everywhere, like seeds of trees; even deceits contain elements of truth. But the eye is clouded by the quotidian, by prejudice, by worryings, scandal, predation, passion, ennui, and, worst, television."

"Music's a wood you walk through."

"Speaking one language only is prison."

"Magnets don't need to understand magnetism."

"Will I be some kid's dad one day? Are any future people lurking deep inside mine?"

"People're a nestful of needs."

"Adolescence dies in its fourth year. You live to be eighty."

"Shunning one hopeless battle is not an act of cowardice."

"Questions aren't questions. Questions're bullets."

"The boy could preach till he's purple. They'd not believe him. They'd not want to believe him."

"Courage is being scared shitless but doing it anyway."

"Is a secret a secret if it isn't true?...A secret needs a human agency to know it, or at least write it down. A holder. A keeper."

"You think you are in charge of the secret, but isn't it the secret who's actually using you? S'pose lunatics mold their doctors more than doctors mold their lunatics?"

"Dancing's like walking down a busy high street or millions of other things. You're absolutely fine as long as you don't think about it."

"Dancers think they're in charge but they're obeying ancient orders."

"But once a lemon meringue's cut, no amount of tears can make it whole."

"If consequences of consequences of consequences of what you do're your fault too, you'd never leave your house."

---

The Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet (2010)

"A sailor's heart's the sea's plaything, eh?"

"The world is composed of people who are convinced of it."

"Immortality comes at a steep price."

"Respect, he thinks, cannot be commanded from on high."

"Your own descendants yet unborn beg you to make the correct choice at this hour."

"Every seat of power in the empire is divided, and thereby neutered."

"Jacob finds himself as little able to evade the man's gaze as a book can, of its own volition, evade the scrutiny of a reader."

"Mortification...requires at least a little pride."

"What if people make bad choice and president is bad man?"

"The fairer sex can show as much resilience as the uglier one."

"When shaving, a man rereads his truest memoir."

"What sort of gift is it that the giver doesn't offer until he wants something from the intended recipient?"

"Power has an unpleasant taste."

"We must guard ourselves against our protectors."

"To doubt the soul would strike me as peculiar."

"But mine is the true faith...Whilst yours is idolatry."

"This is longest bridge you ever cross, because this bridge go between two worlds."

"To not say 'no' is to half say 'yes.'"

"High office, as you shall one day discover, distances one from one's men."

"It's a man's conduct that God is interested in, not the circumstances of his birth."

"What man ain't the honestest cove in his own eyes?...'Tain't good intentions what paves the road to hell: it's self-justifyin's."

"A tidy metaphor does not make a wrong thing right."

"The ladybird believes she is on a momentous journey, but she is going nowhere."

"I wish spoken words could be captured and kept in a locket."

"Creation unfolds around us, despite us, and through us, at the speed of days and nights, and we like to call it 'love.'"

"To list and name people is to subjugate them."

"Slavery may be an injustice to some...but no one can deny that all empires are founded upon the institution."

"The soul is a verb. Not a noun."

"A carelessly tossed stone can sometimes results in a rock fall."

"Details beget facts, and facts, judiciously sent forth, become assassins."

"Expensive habit is honesty. Loyalty ain't a simple matter."

"The scarcity of facts leaves holes where rumors breed."

"The present is a battleground...where rival what-ifs compete to become the future 'what is.'"

"For what is it that directs the minds of the powerful? The answer is 'belief.'... Power is informed by belief that this path, and not another, must be followed."

"Self-pity is a noose dangling from a rafter."

"The belly craves food, the tongue craves water, the heart craves love, and the mind craves stories."

"Whatever a man is busy with, that is what, or whom, he values."

"Isolation, ingenuity, power...fear. These achieve most ends."

"It is not superstition but reason that concludes the realm of knowledge is finite and that the brain and the soul are discrete entities."

"Your soul knows what your mind is too knowledgeable to understand."

"The mind has a mind of its own. It shows us pictures. Pictures of the past, and the might-one-day-be."

"My true name I tell nobody, so nobody can steal my name."

"Why must all things go around in stupid circles?"

"If only human beings were not masks behind masks behind masks. If only this world was a clean board of lines and intersections. If only time was a sequence of considered moves and not a chaos of slippages and blunders."

"Admission of weakness is a weakness."

"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love."

"The easiest way to control others is to give them the illusion of free will."

"The truth of a myth...is not its words but its patterns."

"One must be wary of understanding one's enemy, lest one becomes him."

"Nobody ever died for a flag, only what the flag symbolizes."

"This world contains just one masterpiece, and that is itself."

"The purest believers are the truest monsters."

"A great teacher attains immortality in his students."

---

The Bone Clocks (2014)

"Promise me you'll memorize the path through it, so if you ever needed to, you could navigate it in the darkness. Please."

"The brain could be an illogical place."

"People are icebergs, with just a bit you can see and loads you can't."

"Pity is a form of abuse."

"What if...what if heave is real, but only in moments? Like a glass of water on a hot day when you're dying of thirst, or when someone's nice to you for no reason, or...S'pose heaven's not like a painting that's just hanging their forever, but more like...like the best song anyone ever wrote, but a song you only catch in snitches, while you're alive, from passing cars, or...upstairs windows when you're lost..."

"Psychologists say there's a second umbilical cord, an invisible one, an emotional one, which ties you to your parents for the whole time you're a kid. Then, one day, you have a row with your mum if you're a girl, or your dad if you're a boy, and that argument cuts your second cord. Then, and only then, are you ready to go off into the big wide world and be an adult on your own terms."

"Perhaps daymares are like cancer, which goes away and comes back when you think you're all clear."

"Capitalism eats itself. When it can't feed the millions it spits out, no amount of lies or brutality will save it."

"Being born's a hell of a lottery."

"Hobbies are for pleasure, but rituals keep you going."

"When you know your memory's been monkeyed around with once, how can you ever be sure of any memory again?"

"You make a list, see. It's called 'All the Things I'll Never, Ever Do to Get By.' The list stays exactly the same, but its name changes to 'All the Things I've Had to Do to Get By.'"

"I think about pinball, and how being a kid's like being shot up the firing lane and there's no veering left or right; you're just sort of propelled. But once you clear the top, like when you're sixteen, seventeen, or eighteen, suddenly there's a thousand different paths you can take, some amazing, others not. Tiny little differences in angles and speed'll totally alter what happens to you later..."

"Victims aren't cowards. Outsiders, like, they never have a clue how brave you have to be just to carry on."

"Power is the ability to make someone do what they otherwise wouldn't, or deter them from doing what they otherwise would."

"Power is lost or won, never created or destroyed. Power is a visitor to, not a possession of, those it empowers. The mad tend to crave it, many of the sane crave it, but the wise worry about its long-term side effects. Power is crack cocaine for your ego and battery acid for your soul."

"Mortality is inscribed in your cellular structure, and you say you're not ill?"

"When civilization shuts up shop, a gun'll be worth any number of university degrees."

"You'd think old age was a criminal offense, not a destination we're all heading to."

"Whatever I do with my life, however much power, wealth, experience, knowledge, or beauty I'll accrue, I, too, will end up like this vulnerable old man."

"Coupling is frenzy; decoupling is farce."

"Persuasion is not about force; it's about showing a person a door, and making him or her desperate to open it."

"Perhaps this will just be one of life's dangly plot lines that one never revisits."

"Human beings are walking bundles of cravings. Cravings for food, water, shelter, warmth; sex and companionship; status, a tribe to belong to; kicks, control, purpose; and so on, all the way down to chocolate-brown bathroom suites. Love is one way to satisfy some of those cravings. But love's not just the drug; it's also the dealer. Love wants love in return."

"We're all of different things at different times."

"Lust wants, does the obvious, and pads back into the forest. Love is greedier. Love wants round-the-clock care; protection; rings, vows, joint accounts; scented candles on birthdays; life insurance. Babies. Love's a dictator."

"People are superb at not thinking about awkward truths."

"You only value something if you know it'll end."

"You need a leap of faith to leave your old life behind. True metamorphosis doesn't come with flowcharts."

"If an atrocity isn't written about, it stops existing when the last witnesses die."

"When a parent dies, a filing cabinet full of all the fascinating stuff also ceases to exist. I never imagined how hungry I'd be one day to look inside it."

"Wrong turns teach us the right way."

"God is willing to trust us with the small print."

"It's not just that you get old and your kids leave; it's that the world zooms away and leaves you hankering for whatever decade you felt most comfy in."

"However much you love them, your own children are only ever on loan."

"We all of us have less time than we think."

"Nonfiction that smells like fiction is neither."

"Bury the hatchet. Hatchets don't work on ghosts. They cannot hear you. You only end up hatcheting yourself."

"Men marry women hoping they'll never change. Women marry men hoping they will. Both parties are disappointed."

"The secret of happiness is to ignore your reflection in mirrors once you're over forty."

"Modesty is Vanity's craftier stepbrother."

"When I remember my mother, am I remembering her, or just memories of her?"

"For most digital-age writers, writing is rewriting. We grope, cut, block, paste, and twitch, panning for gold onscreen by deleting bucketloads of crap."

"Even if a poet sets out to invent a new poetics, he or she can only react against what's already there."

"Writers don't write in a void."

"A writer flirts with schizophrenia, nurtures synesthesia, and embraces obsessive-compulsive disorder. Your art feeds on you, your soul, and yes, to a degree, your sanity."

"Are we mutants? Have we evolved this way? O are we designed? Designed by whom? Why did the designer go to such elaborate lengths, only to vacate the stage and leave us wondering why we exist? For entertainment? For perversity? For a joke? To judge us?"

"Some truths are inadmissible in the court of the sane."

"Attaining immortality is easier than controlling its terms and conditions."

"One cannot cross the same river twice."

"Each resurrection is a lottery of longitudes, latitudes, and demography."

"Yes, I am only a pawn, but a game of chess may hinge upon the conduct of a single pawn."

"If you love and are loved, whatever you do affects others."

"The Script loves foreshadow."

"The future looks a lot like the past."

"All great cities do and must revert to jungle, tundra, or tidal flats, if you wait long enough, and I should know."

"I'd rather trust my memory than my eyes."

"We live on, as long as there are people to live on in."

"If you could reason with religious people, there wouldn't be any religious people."

"There is no God but the one we dream up."

"If you can't trust your mind anymore, you're mentally homeless."

"Change is sort of hardwired into the world."

"If life didn't change, it wouldn't be life."

"The 'natural order of things' is entirely man-made."

"Civilization's like the economy, or Tinkerbell: If people stop believing it's real, it dies."

---

Slade House (2015)

"My question falls down a deep well with no bottom, and I forget what I've forgotten."

"Mrs. Todds my English teacher gives an automatic F if anyone ever writes 'I woke up and it was all a dream' at the end of a story. She says it violates the deal between reader and writer, that it's a cop-out, it's the Boy Who Cried Wolf. But every single morning we really do wake up and it really was all a dream."

"Dream-people always say they're real, so pardon me for not believing you."

"It can't hold forever and it won't."

"People are masks, with masks under those masks, and masks under those, and down you go."

"Grief is an amputation, but hope is incurable hemophilia: you bleed and bleed and bleed."

"Once you've been a psychiatric patient, no one ever gives you the benefit of the doubt again. Easier to fix a bad credit rating than a bad credibility rating."

"Truth has this habit of changing after the fact, don't you find?"

"Death's life's only guarantee, yes?"

"In war, ends justify means. War is ends justifying means."

"Memory's a slippery eel at the best of times."

"One percent is still...too many."





Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Millennials Living at Home

Listening to the radio on the way to work recently, I heard the morning deejays bring up the topic of so-called "Millennials" (people born between about 1980-2000, depending on who you ask) still living in their parents' homes. The conversation was specifically about older Millennials (those who are between 25-35 years old), an age group which currently is living with their parents at a greater rate than any 25-35 year old group in history, since the U.S. census began collecting data in the late 1800s.

The conversation followed a pretty predictable pattern. The DJs, who themselves are probably just too old to be considered Millennials themselves, lamented the sorry state of such a world. They cited two reasons for the increased number - the economic downturn/increased student debt dilemma, and the fact that people are getting married later - but seemed to think that such reasons were 1) only "excuses," 2) temporary issues that would eventually fix themselves or cease to be problems/influences on young people's life decisions, and/or 3) not "good enough" to justify the "horror" of living at home. One DJ in particular started pulling the "Entitlement Generation" nonsense, citing his younger brother, who lived at home with his parents despite earning a six-figure salary. Clearly, financial problems were not a factor in all cases; you know those entitled Millennials - they never learned to grow up/they just want everyone else to take care of them/they're dependent and whiny and want the world handed to them on a silver platter.

Then - also predictably - came the calls from listeners. Millennial after Millennial who tried to explain their situation to the DJs: Outrageous student loans. Mental illness. Few job prospects. The DJs "sympathized" with them when they called - but their general thesis remained the same: it is a travesty to be living at home after age 25, even if someone has solid reasons for making such a choice. In a perfect world, everyone would go off to college at 18, "find themselves"/become self-confident/self-actualized, become immediately socially, emotionally, and financially independent, and never have to live at home again. They would move into their own place after graduating college, and start their "own" lives. They would be perfectly happy and well-adjusted, even far away from everyone else they've ever known.

I'm sorry, but that's bullshit.

First of all, Millennials are no more entitled than any other generation, and the trope of "this newest generation reaching adulthood is the worst one we've ever seen" is literally repeated every single time the previous generation spawns the next one. For that matter, "Millennials" and generational boundaries in general aren't actually a real thing. They're just societal stereotypes used for click-bait, created to sell books. People between the ages of 25-35 are about as similar to each other as they are to people of any other age group. It's like we're all individuals or something.

Second of all, everyone takes their own path. Some people are more independent and are probably ready to "live on their own" at fifteen; others take a lot longer to feel comfortable being alone, or never get there. Some people get along great with their families and want to stay near them; others may also get along great with their families but yearn for distance from their relatives and the town in which they grew up. Some people are lucky enough to be interested in a field that has lots of job openings and high salaries; others choose to study other subjects, pursue other degrees, or pursue no degrees at all.

One of these paths is not better than the other; they're just different.

To say that there is a "right" way to be living life is not only ridiculous, but insensitive/borderline shaming to the people who choose a different way. Some Millennials live at home because they can't pay rent yet for a place of their own; some because they rely on the social support of their families; and yet others for other reasons. Some probably don't have any reasons at all; having no particular reason to move out, they simply never did.

What's so wrong with that??

Why do we insist on shaming adults who "still" live at home? There is implicit and explicit judgment in that question: it asks, "What went wrong in your life/What did you do wrong, that you would be living in the house you grew up in?"

Why don't we instead ask, to the Millennials who do move out, "What went wrong in your life/What is wrong with you, that you can't get along with your parents, or that you feel entitled to self-confidence or independence or an entire apartment all to yourself? Isn't that wasteful?"

There is a stigma attached to relying on other people; in a different era or a different area of the world there could just as easily be a stigma attached to NOT relying on other people and thinking that one can live life alone. There is nothing inherently wrong with living with your family, no matter what age you are. There just happens to be a social stigma attached to it if you are of a certain age.

Humans are social creatures. It is not a bad thing to want to live with other people, to want to stay close to your family, to rely on others for help, or to stay around to help others.

I am a 27-year-old Millennial. I don't live in the house I grew up in. But if I didn't have my husband, I probably would. I did not graduate with a job. It took me years to find ways to make any sort of steady income; for a long time I relied on my husband's salary and contributed only sporadically to our finances - as is often the way for those of us devoted to creative fields. Without my husband, there is no way I could afford my own place, let alone the nice house my husband and I live in. I was lucky enough to find the person I wanted to marry while I was still in college. We got engaged before we graduated. We made plans to move in together and start our life together right after college - as many past generations did. If I had not been a statistical anomaly for my generation - getting engaged at 20 and married at 22 - I'd be in the same boat that many Millennials are.

My brother, who is 28, does still live at home with my parents. My 89-year-old grandmother also lives there with them. He struggled for a long time to pay off student loans while he worked night shifts at Kroger, stocking groceries, but finances were not the only reason he stayed behind. He is not very social and has a hard time forging connections with people, so it's nice that he has a built-in social support group in my parents and grandma. Furthermore, he helps out around the house. My dad is turning 62 this year and looking ahead to retirement. He has always had poor eyesight and has never had a driver's license; my grandma also decided to give up driving and sold her car when she moved in with my parents a couple years ago. If my brother weren't living in the house, my mom would be the only driver, and it would fall to her and only her to drive my dad to the bus stop every day so that he could go to work, or to drive my grandmothers (the one who lives with them and the one who lives 2 miles away in an independent senior living facility) to their doctor's appointments, or to drive to the grocery store, or to any other errands that needed doing. It's not like my parents are frustrated that he's still there and begging him to leave. Everyone has fallen into a rhythm, and no one is desperate to disturb it. Even if they're not thrilled, they seem content, or at least content enough. If none of them are upset about it, why does it matter? Why can't my brother just live there forever if that's what he and my parents all want/agree on?

I know so many Millennials who are living at home. They do so because they need to, because they want to, because it just makes sense. Often, these people are not in long term relationships and have no built in support system other than their families; if they didn't live at home they would be so much worse off. In some cases, their families would be worse off, too.

Some case examples:

1) A, now 27 years old, who lived at home and commuted to college for most of his undergraduate degree, because he felt more comfortable doing so than trying out the dorms or an apartment close to campus. As a senior, he finally moved out and shared an apartment with a roommate. For his Master's degree, he moved halfway across the country, prioritizing the prestige of the program he was in over his own comfort. He struggled to be so far from his family and people he knew, and had trouble feeling like he belonged. When he finally finished grad school, he moved back home, severely depressed. For the last few years, he has continued to live at home, fighting depression/anxiety and OCD. It is difficult for him to get a job because of the particular field he is looking in/the economy, but also because of his mental illness(es) that prevent him from feeling confident or capable of holding a full-time job.

2) A's younger brother, now 19, who recently graduated high school and decided not to go to college. He has a part-time minimum-wage type job in the service industry, and lives at home. He obviously cannot afford his own place on his current wages, but at least doesn't have student loans to worry about. He also has a history of anxiety issues, though as far as I know they've been under control for awhile. But he's close with/gets along with his parents and brother, and I'm sure likes still living at home with them.

3) B, now 27. She graduated college at 21 and got a great job in computer programming right out of college - her dream job. She also made pretty good money at it - or at least, it always seemed to me that she did, for a just-out-of-college gig. Still, she lived at home for a few years after graduating, commuting to work from her parent's house. They had two houses because they had moved a few years prior and were never able to sell their old house during the recession. She used her salary to help them pay for those two mortgages they were working on, rather than moving out and putting her money into rent for an apartment. She could've lived in the old house (it was just across town - only adding an extra 10 minutes or so to her commute to work) but she chose to live in the house her parents were living in. She got along great with her family and her brother; when her brother moved out to go to college/etc., and her parents finally sold the old house across town, she did finally move out and get her own apartment. I wonder how much of that is because she wanted to or how much was because she felt shamed/was teased at work for still living with her parents.

4) C, now 24. He has a history of epilepsy, and had several surgeries done. Sometime in college or soon thereafter, he had a mental breakdown with severe depression - to the point of hallucinations and an almost schizophrenic break with reality. He lives with his mother now because he literally can't take care of himself anymore, and is severely dependent on her to help him get through daily life amid the fog of his mental state and the medications he is taking. He is also a suicide risk. He will probably be living at home for the rest of his life - unless he is moved to a care facility, or his situation greatly/miraculously improves.

5) C's younger brother, 22. He just graduated college and is living at home with C while working a minimum wage job. He is studying for entrance into a program to become a police officer, and is in no financial place to move out at the moment - though perhaps he can also be of some help to his/C's mom, who is juggling a full-time job with taking care of C and their grandparents, who also live with them.

6) D, now 30. She has completed two degrees and is about to start working on her third - a PhD in History. She will be going to school for at least six more years. When she is at school, she lives on her own near campus, but whenever the school is on a break or she is in between degree programs, she moves back home. She is an only child and gets along well with her family. She likes spending time with them, helps them with a lot of chores around the house (her mom has chronic back pain), and has helped her dad get a new business off the ground.

7) E, now 36. She married a man from Columbia and they moved back in with her parents while her husband finished schooling, practiced his English, and took the necessary medical exams to be qualified to practice as a doctor in the U.S. Her parents helped take care of their two young children while she supported her husband and looked into jobs for herself. He applied for residencies all over the country - willing to accept wherever would take him. For a couple years, he found work as a doctor in Mexico and they both temporarily moved there with their son (their daughter wasn't born yet). When he next got an assignment far from her parents - first in New York, then in Puerto Rico - she decided to stay behind with her parents. Now that they had two children, it was just too difficult to keep moving around and adapt to a new city/state/country as a single mother while her husband put in long hours at work/school. Her children are now 8 and 6, and she is still living with her parents, and working as a middle school teacher. They made their long-distance relationship work for awhile, but are now divorced.

8) F, now 23. When F was in college, he was diagnosed with testicular cancer and temporarily stalled his college studies to move home for treatment. He has since returned to school, but did, for a time fall into the "Millennials Living At Home" category.

9) G, now 27. She was not married when she got pregnant at 21; because she was still living at home while she pursued job/school options, she simply continued living there while she was pregnant and after the baby was born. As a single mom, it was a huge help to her to have her parents around to help her care for her son while she was at work and battling a custody case with her son's father. The son is now 6, she has a new boyfriend, and they just last week moved out of her parents' house and into a new house with her boyfriend.

And these are just the people whose stories I know.

Sometimes we need help. Sometimes we want company. I don't think it's a Necessarily Bad Thing to live at home as long as it's something you and your parents are comfortable with and genuinely want to do. If you're there only because you feel like you have no other options, and want nothing but to leave as soon as you can - yeah, there can be some resentment there, which doesn't lend well to an ideal living environment. But it still might be the best solution, at least on a temporary basis. And for many Millennials, living at home is a relief, because there is that built-in support system they can't get anywhere else.

It is not the same living with roommates or friends, even if you know each other well. By definition you are trying to live your own lives and explore your options; living together is not seen as a permanent solution or even ideal solution, but a necessary/temporary one. When you fall sick or injured (physically, emotionally, mentally, financially), they are not obligated to help, nor often willing. They have their own jobs, their own relationships, their own lives they are also juggling, and even if they are willing to help with your problems, they may not be able to. Family, on the other hand, do help. Whether by obligation or choice or a little of both, they help. Part of that is because it is often easier (logistically) for them to do so - an employer would easily let someone come into work late to drive her son to chemotherapy treatments; not so much if you have to schlepp your roommate/friend to an appointment. The urgency just isn't there. There would undoubtedly be questions - why is your friend all alone? where is his family? Parents don't stop being parents when their children turn 18; they are, to some extent, expected to help their offspring when they come into trouble, no matter what age their offspring are.

When you get married, your spouse basically becomes an additional parent. You're agreeing to help each other in sickness and health: to drive each other to the hospital when one of you falls sick, to hold the brunt of financial obligations for a time if your partner is unable to contribute, to be there - physically, emotionally - if someone is going through a hard time and needs support overcoming/enduring depression or anxiety.

But if you aren't married or in a long-term relationship, who do you have to rely on in times of distress other than your family? Your parents, your siblings. This is your support system. And it is perfectly okay to rely on them, or go to them for help. There should not be so much stigma attached to asking for help. It is not a sign of admitting defeat. It is a sign of strength. It is not always easy. But sometimes it has to be done.

(Neither is the solution just to "get married," by the way. Not only is "finding someone" easier said than done; it's often impossible when you're already juggling low-paying jobs, financial stress, debt, and/or mental illness - not to mention an entire society of people getting married later in life to influence your decisions. Furthermore, to have someone to dump all your problems on is probably NOT a good reason to get married; the being-able-to-dump-your-problems-on-them comes at the cost of you also having to help them with their problems. And further furthermore, a lot of people don't actually want to get married - nor should they have to want to. Just because you are single, whether by choice or circumstance, does not mean your worth is diminished, that it's "your fault" for not having another support system, that you don't need support systems, or that you don't deserve them.)

One last point: It is often a relief to get help - but that does not mean that someone feels entitled to a stress-free existence and is living at home just to be taken care of. They're living at home so that they have a support system while they learn how to take care of themselves - unless it is a case (like person C, above), where they literally can't take care of themselves and do have to perpetually rely on other people. I don't know any Millennials who are living at home because they love Mom and Dad cooking them dinner and doing their laundry; even if their parents do cook them dinner and do their laundry, that is NOT the reason they are home.

And often their parents are cooking them dinner and doing their laundry in the first place because the Millennials are helping out with other chores around the house (much like how egalitarian spouses divvy up household chores so that everyone chips in for one area or another), or because the Millennials are struggling with too many other things. If you knew someone was going through a shitty time and that bringing them a dish of lasagna or a plate of cookies might make them feel better and a little less stressed - wouldn't you bring them a freaking lasagna? This is what we do for other people when we don't know what else to do. We bring recent widows food, we bring cancer patients (or those caring for cancer patients) food; we offer to run errands for them, etc. We don't know how to solve their cancer, or their anxiety, or their OCD, or their depression; we don't know how to find them a job or help them gain self-confidence. But we can help them with their everyday tasks at least, so we do.

You don't know what people are going through. Depression is often invisible; it doesn't look the same in everyone, and often doesn't look like the gloomy people in Zoloft commercials on TV. Growing up is hard; figuring out life post-graduation is hard; doing these things in a sucky economy with a pile of student debt is even harder. There is more than just financial stress going on here. According to the National Alliance on Mental Health, more than 25% of college students have a diagnosable mental illness and have been treated in the past year. And what about all the ones who haven't been treated? Or the ones who crumble after graduation?

So can we stop shaming people already?

We don't all live the same life trajectory, nor should we.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

5 Year Anniversary

I can't believe it's been FIVE YEARS already since my husband and I got married.

On the one hand, I feel like I've accomplished so little in that time, compared to what I used to think I would accomplish. If you'd told me at 18 years old (when I first met my husband in college) that at 27 I would be where I am today, I think I would have been a little disappointed.

On the other hand, my 18-year-old self was pretty sheltered, naive, and I don't really care what she thinks (thought?). I'm actually quite happy with my station at the moment - and though I might've once thought I would've accomplished more by now (books published, etc.) I'm not so far off from where I wanted to be, and am well on my way toward getting there. I'm trying.

I'm 27 years old and I've been married five years already. We own a house in Rochester Hills (and have spent the last four years working on home improvements for it to get it exactly how we want), and we have a one-year-old dog, Ginny. That's more than some people can say at 30, or 40 - so I'd say we're doing alright.

Five years ago, when we got married, I designed "logos" for our wedding stationery that I think still encapsulates my artistic aesthetic. Abstracted roses (created by digitally tracing a rose photo in Adobe Illustrator) with added digital "paint splashes."




It's interesting to think of what has (and hasn't) changed over the years. I still love our color scheme (coral & jade green). I still love flowers, Adobe Illustrator, and making digital patterns. I even still love Baskerville italic, the font we used for one of our stationery fonts - especially it's fun, curly ampersand.

But if I were to redo our wedding stationery now, knowing what I do and having more experience, both artistically (with watercolor, with acrylic, with colored pencil) and with regards to graphic design and stationery design in particular, I think I would've done more. I might've used different envelopes, with pockets. I would've made sure the printer got the colors right - we wanted more of a coral, rather than orange. And I might've designed the rose "logos" a little differently, with more of a hand-drawn feel. I did use watercolor and acrylic to paint placemats for the table centerpieces and the card box for the reception, but I could've drawn the flowers in colored pencil, or added a watercolor background - details done by hand, which I then scanned in and printed out digitally.

But even though I might do it a bit differently now, I'm still pretty proud of how everything came together. And that's exactly as it should be.

-

For more images of my wedding stationery, you can visit my old blog, "Ideas by Andrea."

"How I put my artistic stamp all over my wedding":
http://ideasbyandrea.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-i-put-my-artistic-stamp-all-over-my.html

"How I put my artistic stamp all over my wedding - Part 2":
http://ideasbyandrea.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-i-put-my-artistic-stamp-all-over-my.html





Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Notecards (Colored Pencil Drawings - Set of 6)

Yesterday I put up pictures of the 4 vertical notecards I have for sale; today, here are the 6 horizontal notecards.

They each feature a different art print of one of my floral colored pencil drawings. Four of them were scanned from 5"x7" drawings on black paper, one from a 5"x7" drawing on toned gray paper, and one from a 8"x10" drawing on black paper. Each were scanned in at 600 dpi, shrunk to size for the notecards, and printed on my HP inkjet printer.

The cards are made of white cardstock, come with white A2 size envelopes, and are blank inside. This pack of six is available for purchase here on Etsy, for $10.50 ($1.75 per card).


















The original colored pencil drawings are also for sale on Etsy:

- Impatiens in Rochester, New York (5"x7" drawing on black paper)



- Pink Impatiens (5"x7" drawing on black paper)



- White Rose (5"x7" drawing on black paper)



- Purple Rose Trio (5"x7" drawing on black paper)



- Norfolk Succulents (5"x7" drawing on toned gray paper)



- Rainbow Crassula (8"x10" drawing on black paper)