In a previous post I talked about creating eight "daily affirmations" to remind me of the things I believe that I often forget to apply to myself. Today I'd like to share two more of those.
3. I am capable of being assertive, and deserve to speak my mind.
4. I will not let fear or anxiety or complacency make life decisions for me.
These two are very hard for me. Yes, everyone technically deserves to speak their mind - freedom of speech and all that - but is the capacity to be assertive, to speak their mind in the face of opposition (or perceived opposition), actually something that anyone can learn to do? I have a hard time believing that I am capable of being assertive. I find it easier to be assertive online - where I can hide behind a computer screen - and nearly impossible to do in person.
And the reason, I think, has several nuanced layers. (Doesn't everything?)
1) I don't always know what I feel. As I mentioned the last time I brought up these affirmations, I'm so used to "bottling up" my emotions, that I don't always know myself what those emotions are - I hide them even from myself, not taking the time to acknowledge them. It's hard to be assertive if you don't even know what to assert.
2) I don't believe it's worth it. (I don't believe I'm worth it.) I would never let anyone else get away with saying something like that - but then I often treat others better (even complete strangers) than I'm willing to treat myself.
What I mean here is that I'd rather not "rock the boat." Even if I acknowledge that I'm upset about something (or someone), I am not one to go to that person and let them know how wronged I feel. I value their happiness over my own. I am well versed in "bottling up" my emotions; what's one more to reign in?
And 3) I have so little practice acting assertively (especially acting assertively and then seeing positive results because of this), that I am not confident in my ability to do so. The solution to this seems simple - do it more often! practice makes perfect! - but it's hard to practice assertiveness when the first two points are working against me.
I had a friend in elementary school that I would often argue with. We would argue about something (something trivial, I'm sure - we were in fourth/fifth grade), and then the next day she would approach me like nothing had happened between us, carrying on our friendship as before (until the next argument). We never talked about these arguments again once they were "in the past" - not even to apologize for mean things we might have said to each other. She expected me to be okay with moving on without discussing the problem (or, perhaps, expected me to be the first to apologize). I thought I was taking my cue from her - but perhaps she was taking her cue from me. Either way, we quickly fell into a destructive pattern.
I never did speak up and tell her how much it bothered me that we never apologized to each other. I just let the pattern continue. Resentment over what I saw as her refusal to solve our arguments added to lingering resentment over the actual unsolved arguments, and eventually, when there was an argument that we couldn't just sweep under the rug, and our friendship vaporized. We had never set a precedent for talking through our disagreements, and so didn't know how to do it when it mattered most.
It stands to reason that if I can be assertive on smaller, trivial things, then I will have the confidence to be assertive over something major, if the opportunity should arise. The goal, then, is to be assertive and voice my opinions as much as possible - especially with the people I care about and trust most. In the middle of a discussion, it's easier. The real trick is to be comfortable enough to bring it back up again at a later time, to revisit a disagreement after the fact, and talk about it more rationally.
4. I will not let fear or anxiety or complacency make life decisions for me.
This is connected to the third affirmation because it is precisely those things - fear, anxiety, complacency - that might prevent me from being assertive. I'm afraid or anxious that I will offend someone, or make someone's life more difficult. It's easier to just be complacent, to "let it go." And maybe for some things, it is easier to just "let it go" - I can hardly go around pointing out every time I disagree with someone, every time I feel mildly offended, or every time I see an injustice that needs to be remarked on. I'd never get anything done! But I literally never do these things in person - only asserting my opinions online - and that's hardly nice to myself, to never acknowledge the things I'm feeling or thinking about.
Sometimes it's not about another person, but a solely internal conflict. I'm too nervous to try something new - even if I'm curious about it, even if I think it'd be good for me - and so I decide that the status quo is "fine," something I can "learn to live with." It's this situation that this affirmation is particularly commenting on. Not doing something that I want to do because I'm afraid or anxious to try, or because I've talked myself into believing that where I'm at is "fine for now," is letting fear, anxiety, and complacency make life decisions for me.
(When I'm talking about complacency, by the way, I don't really mean that I'm satisfied with where I am, only that I'm satisfied enough to have "given up" trying to change. Maybe I'm using the word wrong, and there's a better word that means more of what I'm trying to get at here? Defeatism, perhaps?)
My point is, I'm trying not to let fear or anxiety make decisions for me, to talk me into giving up on something I want to do. Part of that is about expressing emotion to those closest to me (as I talked about in that previous post), but it's also about putting myself out there in other ways. Writing these blog posts. Promoting these blog posts - actually posting the links for these posts on social media and encouraging others to read them, something I rarely do. Writing my novels, and sharing those novels with others (letting friends and family read them, querying literary agents, etc.). Even creating art, and talking about the process of creating art, and sharing the images on here and on social media. Putting my art on Etsy and trying to attract buyers. Trying to figure out how to market myself.
These are not things that come easy to me. It takes assertion to say to strangers (or even friends/family) - "Hey, I think I've made something cool. Would you like to check it out and maybe financial support me so I can keep making these cool things?" And fear, anxiety, and complacency hold me back from being assertive.
This all comes down to self-advocacy - speaking up for myself and my interests. If I don't advocate for myself, who else is going to?
3. I am capable of being assertive, and deserve to speak my mind.
4. I will not let fear or anxiety or complacency make life decisions for me.
These two are very hard for me. Yes, everyone technically deserves to speak their mind - freedom of speech and all that - but is the capacity to be assertive, to speak their mind in the face of opposition (or perceived opposition), actually something that anyone can learn to do? I have a hard time believing that I am capable of being assertive. I find it easier to be assertive online - where I can hide behind a computer screen - and nearly impossible to do in person.
And the reason, I think, has several nuanced layers. (Doesn't everything?)
1) I don't always know what I feel. As I mentioned the last time I brought up these affirmations, I'm so used to "bottling up" my emotions, that I don't always know myself what those emotions are - I hide them even from myself, not taking the time to acknowledge them. It's hard to be assertive if you don't even know what to assert.
2) I don't believe it's worth it. (I don't believe I'm worth it.) I would never let anyone else get away with saying something like that - but then I often treat others better (even complete strangers) than I'm willing to treat myself.
What I mean here is that I'd rather not "rock the boat." Even if I acknowledge that I'm upset about something (or someone), I am not one to go to that person and let them know how wronged I feel. I value their happiness over my own. I am well versed in "bottling up" my emotions; what's one more to reign in?
And 3) I have so little practice acting assertively (especially acting assertively and then seeing positive results because of this), that I am not confident in my ability to do so. The solution to this seems simple - do it more often! practice makes perfect! - but it's hard to practice assertiveness when the first two points are working against me.
I had a friend in elementary school that I would often argue with. We would argue about something (something trivial, I'm sure - we were in fourth/fifth grade), and then the next day she would approach me like nothing had happened between us, carrying on our friendship as before (until the next argument). We never talked about these arguments again once they were "in the past" - not even to apologize for mean things we might have said to each other. She expected me to be okay with moving on without discussing the problem (or, perhaps, expected me to be the first to apologize). I thought I was taking my cue from her - but perhaps she was taking her cue from me. Either way, we quickly fell into a destructive pattern.
I never did speak up and tell her how much it bothered me that we never apologized to each other. I just let the pattern continue. Resentment over what I saw as her refusal to solve our arguments added to lingering resentment over the actual unsolved arguments, and eventually, when there was an argument that we couldn't just sweep under the rug, and our friendship vaporized. We had never set a precedent for talking through our disagreements, and so didn't know how to do it when it mattered most.
It stands to reason that if I can be assertive on smaller, trivial things, then I will have the confidence to be assertive over something major, if the opportunity should arise. The goal, then, is to be assertive and voice my opinions as much as possible - especially with the people I care about and trust most. In the middle of a discussion, it's easier. The real trick is to be comfortable enough to bring it back up again at a later time, to revisit a disagreement after the fact, and talk about it more rationally.
4. I will not let fear or anxiety or complacency make life decisions for me.
This is connected to the third affirmation because it is precisely those things - fear, anxiety, complacency - that might prevent me from being assertive. I'm afraid or anxious that I will offend someone, or make someone's life more difficult. It's easier to just be complacent, to "let it go." And maybe for some things, it is easier to just "let it go" - I can hardly go around pointing out every time I disagree with someone, every time I feel mildly offended, or every time I see an injustice that needs to be remarked on. I'd never get anything done! But I literally never do these things in person - only asserting my opinions online - and that's hardly nice to myself, to never acknowledge the things I'm feeling or thinking about.
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| Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/complacent |
(When I'm talking about complacency, by the way, I don't really mean that I'm satisfied with where I am, only that I'm satisfied enough to have "given up" trying to change. Maybe I'm using the word wrong, and there's a better word that means more of what I'm trying to get at here? Defeatism, perhaps?)
My point is, I'm trying not to let fear or anxiety make decisions for me, to talk me into giving up on something I want to do. Part of that is about expressing emotion to those closest to me (as I talked about in that previous post), but it's also about putting myself out there in other ways. Writing these blog posts. Promoting these blog posts - actually posting the links for these posts on social media and encouraging others to read them, something I rarely do. Writing my novels, and sharing those novels with others (letting friends and family read them, querying literary agents, etc.). Even creating art, and talking about the process of creating art, and sharing the images on here and on social media. Putting my art on Etsy and trying to attract buyers. Trying to figure out how to market myself.
These are not things that come easy to me. It takes assertion to say to strangers (or even friends/family) - "Hey, I think I've made something cool. Would you like to check it out and maybe financial support me so I can keep making these cool things?" And fear, anxiety, and complacency hold me back from being assertive.
This all comes down to self-advocacy - speaking up for myself and my interests. If I don't advocate for myself, who else is going to?
