"28 Years" - Explanation of Years 1-14

In yesterday's post, I talked about my generic plan for my new 22"x30" colored pencil drawing, "28 Years." This new drawing will have 4 rows of 7 "years" each. Each mini bouquet will consist of two types of flowers to represent a year in my life.

Starting the first drawing, Plumeria + Queen Anne's Lace

Today, I will be discussing more specifically which flowers I chose for the first two rows, what those flowers symbolize, and what was going on in my life at that time that led to be choosing those particular blooms.

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Year 1 (1989)

• Plumeria: symbol of life/birth, new beginnings, creation, positivity, perfection, charm, beauty, grace, and springtime
• Queen Anne's Lace: symbol of sanctuary/haven, delicateness/fragility, and complexity

This year includes the first 12 months of my life, from December 20, 1988 - December 20, 1989. (Because I was born only 11 days before the end of the year, for simplicity's sake, we'll just call Year 1 as 1989, Year 2 as 1990, etc.) Obviously, I don't remember this year. But there are plenty of photos of me as a baby, home videos, and anecdotal evidence that I could draw from in deciding what flowers to represent this year of my life, as well as general knowledge of what babies go through in their first year (physically, psychologically, mentally, etc.) that I sort of remember from Psych classes. I know that towards the end of this year, my dad and grandpa were finishing the basement - installing wood paneling on the walls, and carpet on the floors - and that I began learning how to walk.

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Year 2 (1990)

• Holly: symbol of hope, domestic happiness, defense/protection (especially re: protecting little girls from evil spirits), and Christmastime
• Daisy: symbol of innocence, hope, cheerfulness, and childhood

This was the year that I was one (ending in December 20, 1990, when I turned 2). Again, I don't remember this year, so I am basically basing these choices on heresy. I know my mom didn't always have an easy time (to put it mildly) with a one-year-old (me) and a two-year-old (my brother). I have also been told that I was an easy-going child in some regards. I loved to smile and hug, and was generally pretty cheerful.

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Year 3 (1991)

• Aster: symbol of patience, elegance, daintiness, protection (through the eyes of God), and wistful hindsight (a desire that things had happened differently)
• White Lilac: symbol of the joy of youth, youthful confidence, purity, and innocence

This was the year that I was two. I also don't remember much (or any) of this year. There are a lot of pictures of me dressed up in pretty outfits (which I loved to do). There is one photo of me around this age where I am wearing a little blue and pink dress, white tights, and black buckled shoes. My hair was long and blonde and curly (my mom wrote in a baby-book type thing that it was "so shiny and beautiful" that they hadn't "had the heart to have it cut short, into a more practical little-girl's haircut"). And in this photo I am sitting in a rocking chair that is too big for me, my legs pushed straight out, knees not bent, unable to reach the ground. I look almost too small, too pretty, to be a real person. I look more like a little doll. For many years, my dad had this picture hanging on the wall of his den. It might still be there, actually.

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Year 4 (1992)

• Aloe: symbol of healing, protection, affection, grief, and luck
• Anemone: symbol of fading hope, anticipation, protection against evil, luck, and having been forsaken

This was the year I was three. I started pre-school and my brother started Kindergarten. I have some memories from this time period - though I don't know for sure what order they happened, or if I am perhaps confusing age three with age four or age five. I do believe I was three though, when I fractured my left foot jumping off an armchair in our living room (a chair that actually sits in my family room now, a chair that Ginny loves to curl up on to sleep). I was standing on the chair and my mother told me to get down. Or maybe I was threatening to jump off it, and she told me not to jump. In any case, I distinctly recall knowing that it was a bad idea to jump off (rather than get down deliberately and carefully), and that I would probably get in trouble and/or hurt myself if I jumped - and yet I decided to go "against the rules" and jump off it anyway. I don't remember anything else about the following weeks, but have heard the story many times. My foot was x-rayed and no signs of broken bones were immediately apparent, so even though I was crying and reverting back to crawling because my foot hurt to walk on, my dad dismissed my injury and insisted I walk on it. Some point (a few days? several days?) later, I was brought back to the hospital, since I kept complaining about it. This time, there was evidence of a small fracture. I got a cast (I chose hot pink) and a walking boot, which I still have in a box somewhere in my basement. It's amazing how small that cast is, how tiny my feet once were.

This was also the year that I started learning to read. I wanted to do everything my brother did, and he was learning to read in Kindergarten. We had a collection of children's books that were paired with cassette tapes, and I had a portable cassette player (also in hot pink), which I used to listen to the audio while I followed along in the books, thus essentially teaching myself the basics of reading.

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Year 5 (1993)

• Ivy: symbol of friendship, continuity, dependence, and endurance
• Gerbera Daisy: symbol of cheerfulness, joy, high esteem, and admiration

This was the year I was four. We went to Disney World with my grandparents. I really wanted to go to Kindergarten, though I was past the cut-off for public school. So my parents took me to several private schools in the area, where I took tests and proved my reading and writing and oral abilities so that I could start Kindergarten even though I was only four. I made my first friends (that I remember, anyway) - a girl whose family had a lot of money, and another girl who cared so much what other kids thought of her that she lied to them about her ability to read. (I called her out on her lie, since I could read, and knew she was just making up words and not actually reading.) One day, this girl and I were playing at recess and she hit my head hard against the parking lot blacktop. I don't know if that was related to my making her look bad in front of the rest of the class, or for some other reason, but I distinctly remember knowing that she had done it on purpose, because she didn't like me as much as she pretended to.

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Year 6 (1994)

• Edelweiss: symbol of courage, devotion, adventure, sacrifice, difficulty, and pride in the Alps region
• Freesia: symbol of thoughtfulness, innocence, trust, friendship, and sweetness

This was the year I was five. I started first grade, and made another friend, who would remain my best friend for two more years, until she moved away, and then a close pen pal for many more years afterward. I loved spending time with my grandparents, especially my grandpa, who loved to tell me and my brother stories and let us do things like play in his boat (parked on the land-locked driveway) and "drive" his car (sit on his lap and hold the steering wheel steady on a straightaway while he kept his foot on the pedals).

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Year 7 (1995)

• Sweet Pea: symbol of bliss, pleasure, sweet departure after having a good time, and thankfulness
• Morning Glory: symbol of affection, mortality/finality of life on earth, unrequited love, and strength in gentleness

This was the year I was six. I was embarrassed to be caught crying at school, so I lied about it. The office secretaries were concerned that I had pink eye, so they sent me home early, and I had to miss the in-school Christmas party - which made me cry all the more. This was also the year my mom was in the hospital for a time. I started playing softball, which I would continue to do for several more summers. I changed schools for second grade and had to figure out how to make new friends. In a journal assignment in second grade, I wrote, "If I could, I'd be two years old again. Because then I could go back to preschool so I could play all day." And my grandpa's kidneys started failing, after years fighting prostate cancer.

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Year 8 (1996)

• Orange Orchid: symbol of industry, enthusiasm, boldness, and pride
• Cypress: symbol of death, mourning, despair, and sorrow

This was the year I was seven. In January, my grandpa passed away. I wanted to cry - felt indeed that I was supposed to cry, that it would be a dishonor to my grandpa's memory if I didn't cry, because it must mean I didn't love him enough or wasn't sad enough - but found it very difficult to produce any tears. I could cry about stupid everyday things without problem - but not this. I talked my brother into doing a cookie-eating contest with me at the funeral home (there were times we were unsupervised while my parents helped my grandma plan the funeral in the days leading up to the service), and I ate twenty Oreos in one setting. I was very proud of this fact.

I continued to love school and found it very easy for me; I wanted more, and I wanted to prove I was capable of more. I tried to get into the TAG (Talented and Gifted) program in my public schools, but was rejected for third grade and encouraged to try again next year. I suspect it wasn't my ability to keep up with the academics that was the problem, so much as the fact that I was already "young" for my grade, and had a shy personality, lacking confidence. I was baptized at church (two years after I wanted to be), but continued to worry about not belonging - at school, at camp, and at church. I spent third grade attempting to be entrepreneurial, and sold little doodles I made to many of my classmates, teachers, and even the school's principal.

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Year 9 (1997)

• Crocus: symbol of youthful gladness, cheerfulness, and glee
• Yellow Hyacinth: symbol of jealousy

This was the year I was eight. I got into TAG for 4th grade, which meant I again changed schools and had to figure out how to make new friends. It was my fourth new school in six years. Where the year before I was in the highest math and reading groups, now that I was in TAG I was in the lowest math and spelling groups. Still, this was also the year I met a lot of the people who remain my closest friends to this day.

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Year 10 (1998)

• Sunflower: symbol of devotion, adoration, haughtiness, power, loyalty, strong bonds between friends, seeking positivity and strength, good luck, and nourishing self and others
• Oregano: symbol of substance and birth

This was the year I was nine. Some of my friendships were tumultuous; we would fight often, over petty things, and then not apologize to each other. Trying to fit in and be adventurous, I attempted to "snowboard" down a small hill of snow in our front yard using a piece of plywood. I slipped on some ice and fractured my left shoulder. What had started as a spontaneous attempt to find a "cool story" I could brag to some of my friends later ended with another trip to the emergency room and a sling that I had to wear for several weeks.

This was also the year I started fifth grade, where we would be separated into groups of girls and boys and taught what puberty was, and the changes our bodies would go through. I had already had "the talk" with my mom. I had heard conflicting ideas about what sex was, and went to my mom for the truth. In my journal, I wrote, "I know I'm the youngest in my class, but still. I feel like I'm young. Really young."

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Year 11 (1999)

• Horseshoe Geranium: symbol of folly and stupidity
• Laurel: symbol of success, ambition, triumph, and royal status

This was the year I was ten. My family adopted Tyler, our shelter mutt, after years of my begging for a dog. I had a memorable fight with two of my friends, who decided to work on a class project together without me, even after promising me that they wouldn't. I felt like my fifth grade teacher didn't like me very much, because I was disorganized and young. She complained that I talked too much (instead of doing my work), but she also opined that I was not talkative, not social enough to be able to succeed in middle school. She would often do impromptu "desk checks" to see how neat our desks were, dumping desks that looked messy and making us reorganize them. My desk was often dumped.

I went to Space Camp with the rest of my class (and all the fifth-grade classes in the district). It was not the first time I had spent time away from my parents - I'd gone to church camp in Northern Michigan for a week at a time for a few summers - but it was the first time I would be flying on a plane without them, and staying with people I knew from school. Despite my teacher's apprehensions, I graduated elementary school and went on to middle school. In my journal, I wrote: "I want to love someone, but I just DON'T. I wish the boys would just grow up."

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Year 12 (2000)

• Coriander: symbol of hidden worth/concealed merit and lust
• Azalea: symbol of womanhood, fragility, gratitude, passion, femininity, and softness

This was the year I was 11. As middle school progressed, friendships changed. In my journal, I wrote, "No one asked me to dance. I don't know what I'd say if they did, but I was still hoping someone would. I just want to fit in. Feel loved - by someone other than my friends and family." I also wrote complaints about how much I weighed, how huge my thighs were, and how small my breasts were. I wrote, "I try. But do I try hard enough?"

I realized how much I liked writing stories. I had always done some of this growing up - writing plays with friends to perform for our parents, or writing short one-page stories, or playing pretend and making up oral stories for my Barbies, or my toys at bathtime. But middle school was really when I started to think of creative writing as a specific hobby, or even a possible future career. I loved writing stories in the creative writing units at school. I also won an art contest that got me an interview on our local Fox News station. I started seventh grade. My other grandfather passed away.

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Year 13 (2001)

• Yellow Carnation: symbol of disdain, rejection, and disappointment
• Thyme: symbol of courage, strength, thriftiness, activity, bravery, and overcoming shyness

This was the year I was 12. My self-image continued to plummet. In my journal, I wrote, "I wish I were skinnier; I wish X would like me; I wish I had bigger boobs; I wish I had more wishes." I wrote dark poetry - mostly because I thought it was something that teenagers did, and I wanted to be a teenager. I had an appendectomy in February. I fractured my wrist when I tripped on a basketball court. I lost my "best friend" over escalating fights and passive-aggressive arguments behind each other's backs; I called someone else my best friend instead.

I started eighth grade. The Twin Towers fell in New York. I had several fights with another friend, which escalated into what we called a "war" - until our other friends made us stop calling each other names and sign a peace treaty instead. I very rarely felt that my feelings were valued by my peers. I generally thought of myself as less than.

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Year 14 (2002)

• Chamomile: symbol of patience, wealth, and healthfulness
• Chrysanthemum: symbol of cheerfulness, lasting friendship, support from friends and family, rest and recovery after a challenge, enduring life and rebirth, and loyalty and devotion

This was the year I was 13 - finally a teenager. I threw myself very much into my faith in Jesus, hoping that things would be better for me. I tried to reform what I felt were bad qualities about myself, and be a nicer person. My best friend's parents got divorced. My dad lost his job and was unemployed for fifteen months. I started high school. I fell off a large rock after school one day and fractured my shoulder. My reputation as a klutz followed me even to high school. I felt like I would never be old enough.

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Because each row has 7 years, these first 14 years mark the first two rows (half of the drawing). I will discuss the inspiration and symbolism behind my picks for years 15-28 in tomorrow's post.