"28 Years" - Explanation of Years 15-28

As part of my "research" for planning my new colored pencil drawing, "28 Years," I went through old journals, drudged up memories, and decided what two flowers would best symbolize each of the years of my life.

Yesterday's post talked about the symbolism for Years 1-14. Today, I'm going to focus on the last two rows, row 3 & 4, which will represent Years 15-28.

-

Year 15 (2003)

• Cherry Blossom: symbol of transience, good education, womanhood, love, wisdom, and the short lived beauty of youth
• Fern: symbol of sincerity

This year was the year that I was 14. My dad finally found new work after fifteen months of unemployment. I finally got my first period, years after I thought I might. And I started my sophomore year of high school. In my journal I wrote, "I'm not supposed to feel. I'm not supposed to care. I should be above this stuff, this human emotion. I'm better than this." Another day, I wrote, "For now I guess I'm stuck being me. Maybe one day that'll make me happy. Maybe one day I'll be proud of myself." None of my friends had the same lunch as me, so I did my precalculus homework during lunch and wallowed in self-pity. I often felt very lonely, and like I wasn't good enough, but I put on a brave face, same as always. I joined Drama Club and tried to make new friends.

-

Year 16 (2004)

• Marigold: symbol of pain, grief, cruelty, jealousy, beauty, warmth of the rising sun, creativity, and a drive to succeed
• Hollyhock: symbol of ambition, abundance, and fertility

This is the year I was 15. I had some of my worst classes this year - not academically, but emotionally. I had a lot of classes where none of my friends were with me, and I felt very alone. As part of our physical fitness requirements, we had to do a swimming unit, and I struggled with feeling comfortable with tampons. I wrote in my journal, "I'm not perfect. I'll never be perfect. But try telling my brain that. I've been told all my years that I'm capable; I can be anything I want to be. So I have to be everything I can be. Anything less is disappointment." I also wrote, "Am I ugly? Am I too shy? How can I become more outgoing? Why does no one like me?"

I started junior year and took three AP classes. I was constantly comparing myself and my grades to my friends. Any bad feelings or stress I had I was just burying deep inside so no one would know how sad I was.  I wrote, "I'm drowning / My throat's closing on me / There's no more air / A savior is what I need / To get me out of there." I started questioning the religion I was brought up in (but silently, only silently, in my head). I wrote tragic stories where horrible traumas happened to my characters. I wrote, "Imagination is so much more than real life."

-

Year 17 (2005)

• Tansy: symbol of hostile thoughts, health, and longevity
• Purple Hyacinth: symbol of sorrow, regret, grief, and pleas of forgiveness

This is the year I was 16. One of my closest friends was upset with herself (in much the same way I was upset with myself), and I had such nice things to say to her, to try to cheer her up. To myself, I was much meaner. In my journal, I wrote, "I know I'm in a self-deprecating mood, but I don't give a shit. I'm sick of crying these god damn self-pity tears but I can't get out of this funk." I also wrote: "Please. Just make the world fuck off. I'm sick of all this shit. I just want to scream and cry and hope that one day I stop being a bitch. I'm so horrible. I don't deserve to live." I spent the summer in France, spending three weeks with a French family. I started senior year. Some of my friends started dating, and I felt left behind. 

I wrote: "She's put herself on a pedestal / All she can do is fall / Can't meet her own standards / No one else comes to her rescue / They are too busy also holding themselves up to high standards." I also wrote: "How can any God, any Creator of the universe, love someone who hates herself so much?"

-

Year 18 (2006)

• Zinnia: symbol of endurance, lasting affection, daily remembrance, and thoughts of absent friends
• Dandelion: symbol of resilience, overcoming hardship, healing from emotional/physical pain, emotional/spiritual intelligence, survival, long-lasting happiness and youthful joy, and getting wishes fulfilled

This is the year I was 17. My New Year's Resolution was: "Be super happy with myself and love myself. Fill any void in my life that way instead of looking for someone else to do it for me." I "forced" myself into the drama club - when I didn't get a part in the play, I got involved in behind-the-scenes crew, so that I would have fun things to do, ways to destress, and opportunities to make new friends. In my journal, I wrote, "I fear success. I fear the new situations and new feelings that might come from dating someone. I fear loving someone too much. I fear rejection, too." I was not happy with my grades, my SAT scores, or my college acceptance letters. Good news meant nothing, and bad news meant everything. Still, I tried to be brave, and confident. I wrote, "I need to live in my imagination less and focus on the real world. I need to be more confident in myself and my abilities." I wrote, "I'm nervous. I just want to stay in high school forever. I know high school. I can do it well. College is going to be different. And I'll revert back into my shell like a scared turtle and never say a word and be so quiet that no one will befriend me." 

I took AP art and grew as an artist; I decided to major in art in college. I graduated high school and started at EMU. I wrote, "I hate feeling depressed and self-loathing and yet I do it all the time. I hate myself for hating myself." Friendships from high school changed and faded once we no longer saw each other every day. I felt like I didn't belong in college; I felt like a fraud. I wrote, "All day it has kind of felt like a dream. Everything seems off. Nothing matters because today is all a dream and I'm going to wake up soon. Nothing can hurt me today; I am invincible."

-

Year 19 (2007)

• Protea: symbol of change, resourcefulness, daring, transformation, diversity, courage, hiding thoughts/knowledge and keeping things to yourself
• Hydrangea: symbol of heartfelt and honest emotions, gratitude at being understood, opportunities for love, a deep understanding between two people, frigidity, and apology

This is the year I was 18. I wrote, "Sometimes I need to hear that I'm beautiful or intelligent or loved. And I think that's a reasonable request. That's not being selfish. Everyone in the world deserves to hear those things." Another day I wrote, "If Christianity is right, and there is a hell, I am going to it. I'm ungrateful and selfish and demanding and awful. If I wasn't already on the list, I am now. I'm writing down my own name. I'll condemn myself. It's where I belong." Still another day, I wrote, "I am above this blindly believing in God shit."

I met the man who would one day become my husband - we talked online, we hung out as a group with friends, and we started dating. I got a job in the art department. I showed a collection of self-portraits at the EMU symposium and felt pretty damn proud of myself. I wrote, "If I'm confident in my abilities, I'll be amazed, I think, of what I can accomplish. I have always been (to some extent) confident in my intelligence and my artistic abilities and I think that has a lot to do with my success in those areas. But I could do with more confidence - in my looks, in my personality, in my value as a friend and as a person." I wrote, "I am proud of the person I'm becoming. I may be lonely and I may be insecure and I may have bitchy moments but I'm also becoming more comfortable with myself." Summer was lonely again (my boyfriend went home to Maryland), and the start of college's sophomore year was rocky - my mom was in the hospital, and I had new roommates and struggled to open up to them, or to try to make new friends - but I also worked as a teaching assistant for an art history professor, and I loved my classes and the amount of control I had over picking which ones to take.

-

Year 20 (2008)

• Red Tulip: symbol of true love and declarations of true love
• White Jasmine: symbol of sweet love, beauty, sensuality, purity, good luck, love, and respect

This is the year I was 19. My boyfriend gave me a promise ring. I switched from a drawing concentration to watercolor and graphic design. I studied abroad in Switzerland, Italy, and Greece for five weeks over the summer. I started junior year and had new roommates again. I fell into old patterns of shutting myself down and not allowing myself to make new friends, but I also grew closer to my boyfriend. I knew I could always be honest with him. I worked as a tutor for art history. I continued to love my classes.

-

Year 21 (2009)

• Acanthus: symbol of art, enduring life, pain, sin, punishment, and mourning
• Amaryllis: symbol of pride, worth beyond beauty, splendor, strength, and self-confidence

This is the year I was 20. I was getting toward the end of college and worried about my future. In my journal, I wrote, "It sounds dramatic to say that he helped me out of a dark place, but that's exactly what he did. I was lonely and depressed, at a school without any friends. I felt like I had driven all those closest to me away. He made me feel loved again. He made me feel like I mattered." I also wrote, "It's time to open up. That's my problem - not opening up about shit. It's time for my art to mean something."

I got a new job - working as a graphic designer for EMU's Campus Life. I got a new dorm, one without any roommates this time, so I could feel comfortable just being myself. And in October, Mike and I got engaged.

-

Year 22 (2010)

• Purple Iris: symbol of wisdom, compliments, eloquence, good news, royalty, faith, hope, and a bridge between earth and heaven
• Love Lies Bleeding (Amaranthus): symbol of hopelessness, hopeless love, compassion, and sacrifice (especially the self-sacrifice of Jesus)

This is the year I was 21. I finished my thesis watercolors and my thesis paper and graduated EMU. I felt like I was getting recognition I didn't deserve - or maybe, for the first time, I actually felt like I deserved it. I moved into an apartment with Mike, went on a Mediterranean Cruise with Mike's family, and started planning our wedding. I tried to find a graphic design job in the Grand Blanc area but couldn't. I was kind of listless, not sure where to go now that I had completed the one solid goal I had always had (go to college). I wrote, "I just have no motivation. I kind of feel depressed. I don't know if I'm just not ready to give up on childhood, not wanting to get a real job; or if I don't feel like I'm good enough, worthy enough to get hired; or if I just don't want a job like the ones I've been looking into. I don't like not having a concrete next step." I wrote, "Some days suck. Some days I hate myself for being such a worthless failure of a person. I just don't do anything. I'm not good for anything. I'm not productive, I'm not contributing anything to society, I'm no good to anybody. I could write a longer list of self-insults, but I've done all that before."

-

Year 23 (2011)

• Peony: symbol of a good marriage, a good life, compassion, honor, wealth and riches, romantic love, beauty, bashfulness, and shame (especially of nakedness)
• Myrtle: symbol of marriage, true love, good luck in love and marriage, chastity, marital fidelity, and prosperity.

This is the year I was 22. In my journal, I wrote, "I ignore big problems until they go away. I focus on little details. I make small, stupid things big and important because that's easier to do." I wrote, "There are certain things about myself that I've always been sort of frustrated with, downright disappointed in, and felt like I needed to change. Like being more outgoing and more confident...I've decided to stop thinking of such things as wrong, or bad, or shortcomings. These things are a part of me - they're a part of who I am, at least at this moment, if not for all time - and I need to learn not just to accept them as a part of me, but to grow to love them and cherish them as things that make me or my situation unique or interesting - things that make me me." Mike and I married in July. We honeymooned in Greece (Santorini and Mykonos). I still did not have a (paying) job. I tried to start a business, Invites by Andrea, and designed sample stationery to showcase what I was capable of.

-

Year 24 (2012)

• Pansy: symbol of thoughts (especially lover's thoughts), remembrance, and consideration
• Daffodil (Jonquil): symbol of rebirth, new beginnings, uncertainty, returned affection, springtime, creativity, inspiration, renewal, vitality, awareness, inner reflection, memory, and forgiveness

This was the year I was 23. My husband and I bought a house and moved to Rochester Hills. I started working retail at Charming Charlie, while continuing to work in my spare time on the occasional invitation freelance job, my "Ideas by Andrea" blog, and my art projects and novel writing. It might seem strange that I felt better about myself, "just" working retail. But I felt like I was making positive steps in the right direction, that I was at least contributing something to society again, and that there were people who relied on me. 

-

Year 25 (2013)

• Purple Carnation: symbol of capriciousness, whimsy, changeable natures, and unreliability
• Four o'clock Flower (Marvel of Peru): symbol of timidity, afternoon, and nighttime beauty

This was the year I was 24. I worked at Charming Charlie most of the year, but felt that working there more than a year would not continue to be steps in the right direction for me. I didn't want to stay too long that I felt stuck there, or that I stayed there because of a sense of obligation or fear of leaving and trying something else. I applied for substitute teaching certificates. I was pretty sure I didn't want to be a teacher - but then again, I had considered it as a possible career long ago, so what if I was wrong? In my journal, I wrote, "Keep on trying; you'll never win / Lock and key; you can't get in."

-

Year 26 (2014)

• Lettuce: symbol of never giving up
• Lavender: symbol of purity, silence, caution, serenity, calmness, devotion, virtue, wishes coming true, grown-up femininity, refinement, grace, elegance, delicateness, and preciousness

This was the year I was 25. I quickly realized I hated substitute teaching, but I continued to do it because I felt that we needed the money, that I needed to contribute something, and that somehow, it might be good for me if I kept at it. I also, of course, continued to work (as always) on my art and creative writing in my downtime. I chose which days to work as a sub, and ended up choosing fewer and fewer days - because I'd rather spend my time once more stuck in my imagination than in the real world.

-

Year 27 (2015)

• Sage: symbol of wisdom, immortality, and a long life
• Goldenrod: symbol of encouragement, money, and precaution

This was the year I was 26. I had some gastrointestinal issues which were probably linked to stress rather than any particular physical cause, and it was finally this that prompted me to see a therapist. All the low self-esteem and warning signs I'd written in my journal for years, always that nagging thought in the back of my mind that therapy might help, and it took physical symptoms to admit to myself that I couldn't continue on indefinitely the way I had been trying. Dysthmia (continual low-grade depression) and avoidance personality disorder were discussed, researched, considered. I quit subbing. We adopted Ginny. I worked on my story a lot, and sent out my first query letters (which were rejected).

-

Year 28 (2016)

• Bells of Ireland: symbol of luck
• Gladiolus: symbol of strength of character, remembrance, honor, faithfulness, and conviction

This was the year I was 27 (last year). If you follow this blog, you know what I was up to this year, because I've already written about it. I had artwork shown at local galleries, got back into acrylic paint, did a lot of colored pencil work. I started a part-time graphic design job at Temple Israel. I edited my novel(s) and sent out more query letters (all of which were also rejected). 

I am not the same person I was at 15, or 20, or 25. And yet, I still am.

-

I don't know what Year 29 will bring, or what flowers will best symbolize it when I reflect on its twelve months in hindsight. But these are the symbols I've decided for the years of my life which have already occurred, and the flowers I will be drawing in my new piece, "28 Years."

Obviously, not all of the things listed for each flower are ones that apply to me - especially since many of the symbols actually contradict each other. But I included all of the differing symbols anyway, just to show the possibilities which it might represent.

I am excited to continue work on this drawing. Now that all the research and planning and reflecting is set up, the drawings themselves should go pretty quickly. :)