For When Times Are Tough

I've talked in previous posts (Missed Miscarriage, Yellow Nursery Stripes, April 19, From August to August) about the healing process I went through after my miscarriage - facing the grief and finding the strength to try it all again in pursuit of my dreams.

One thing I did was spend a lot of time finding and compiling facts and quotations I found personally helpful. I started with encouraging statistics and uplifting sentiments that were miscarriage-specific, but as I felt emotionally stronger, my document quickly evolved into one filled with more generic advice - something I thought I might be able to refer to again, for any number of losses (deaths, relationships, career choices, self-doubt, etc.), whenever the inevitable next one happened in my life.

Finding these quotations and organizing them into a love letter of sorts/a how-to guide for myself was very therapeutic for me (and admittedly a very "Ravenclaw" thing to do, so I realize it's not everyone's cup of tea...) It was also likely the process of creating the list, more than the actual content, which helped me most, since it necessitated spending time self-reflecting and prioritizing my mental health. I don't know if I actually will refer to this list again in the future; I might compile an entirely new list instead.

Still, I thought I would share some of the quotations I found (and the structure I organized them into), in case this might help anyone else, too. When I find it hard to accept my own thoughts or truly believe my own words, reading the words that others have written can be wonderfully affirming and invaluable.

An abridged version of the document I created is below. (And yes, the full document I wrote - and am still adding to, whenever I find more quotes that speak to me - really is even longer than this!) :)

***

You're allowed to feel the way you feel. You are allowed to grieve for things you've lost. First, you need to give yourself that time.

Then, when the grief is no longer all-consuming, read this letter to remind yourself that you are also allowed to romanticize, reframe, and transform your pain. You do not have to keep living in it.

Some of these sentiments contradict each others; still others are at least occasionally untrue. They may be things you want to believe, but have trouble actually believing. On days when you are determined to get in the way of your own happiness, that may seem like enough reason to reject them. But remember: something does not have to be an absolute truth to be beneficial.

"You're going to live your life based on delusions (and you are, because we all do)... Why not at least select a delusion that is helpful?" (Elizabeth Gilbert - Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear)

Think of this not as a list of truths, but as a list of useful delusions. And if that is not enough - if at any time your grief returns or you don't have it in you to forge continuously ahead - you are allowed to take a step back and grieve all over again. Grief is not linear. The words below will not always give you comfort. But in those moments when you're healed enough to hear them, they are here for you.

"The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining." (John F. Kennedy)

This letter is your roof, and you have prepared it so it will be there for you when next it rains. Use it. May these words inspire you, and may its compilation remind you of your foresight and strength. You have outlived grief in the past, and you will outlive it again.

*

Dear Andrea,

Times are tough right now - so tough that you may want nothing more than to deny it or move quickly past it. But first you need to make sure you've allowed yourself to truly feel your grief. Name it. Analyze it. Confront it. Write about it.

• "Numbing the pain for awhile will make it worse when you finally feel it." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)
• "Of all the things in the world, suffering is the most real. You can never ignore it or doubt it." (Yuval Noah Harari - 21 Lessons for the 21st Century)
• "Research has found that the act of not discussing a traumatic event or confiding it to another person can be more damaging than the actual event... Writing about traumatic experience can produce measurable changes in physical and mental health." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "To survive something we first need to know what it is we're surviving." (Miriam Toews - All My Puny Sorrows)

To be human is to grieve, and for better or worse, you are a part of the web of humanity.

• "Every human requires food and water to survive and every human has a heart that bleeds, loves, and grieves." (Suzy Kassem - Rise Up and Salute the Sun)
• "Life isn't pretty / We all get a little wrecked sometimes." (The Veronicas - On Your Side)
• "You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human." (David Mitchell - Cloud Atlas)
• "Life is a series of losses... We're all terminal." (Kate Bowler - Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved)
• "There's always gonna be another mountain / I'm always gonna wanna make it move / Always gonna be an uphill battle / Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose" (Miley Cyrus - The Climb)
• "It if don't hurt now, just wait, just wait awhile / Ain't in fun / Living in the real world" (Paramore - Ain't It Fun)

Life is, at times, inexplicably and inescapably awful. The bad and good in life are permanently tied up in each other. Uncleavable.

• "I've made some friends, and I've lost some too." (Andrew McMahon - Cecilia and the Satellites)
• "You know time will give and time will take." (Phillip Phillips - Raging Fire)
• "I can't reconcile the way that the world is jolted by events that are wonderful and terrible, the gorgeous and the tragic. Except that I am beginning to believe that these opportunities do not cancel each other out. Life is so beautiful. Life is so hard." (Kate Bowler - Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved)

You did nothing to deserve this pain. You did nothing wrong. In fact - you're doing everything right. You're hurt right now because in trying to experience all the good that life has to offer, you also stumbled upon the bad. You lost because you were brave enough to try to win.

• "Now we're falling through the ice / We made our bed and rolled the dice / Well every gamble has a price." (Banners - Empires on Fire)
• "Everybody tries to put some love on the line / And everybody feels a broken heart sometimes." (Teddy Geiger - These Walls)
• "The sorrow we feel when we lose a loved one is the price we pay to have had them in our lives." (Rob Liano)
• "What are you passionate enough about that you can endure the most disagreeable aspects of it?" (Elizabeth Gilbert - Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear)

When you love someone or something, you make yourself vulnerable to loss.

• "The course of true love never did run smooth." (William Shakespeare - A Midsummer Night's Dream)
• "Love is uncertain. It is incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame / Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned." (Pink - Try)
• "I find it bittersweet / 'Cause you gave me something to lose / If you love someone and you're not afraid to lose 'em / You'll probably never love someone like I do." (Lukas Graham - Love Someone)
• "He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes." (Buddha)
• "Here's the truth: Who is spared love is spared grief." (David Mitchell - Bone Clocks)

But that is no reason not to love, or live.

• "Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences... To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living... Living without connections - without knowing love and belonging - is not victory." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable." (Madeleine L'Engle)
• "Love doesn't discriminate / Between the sinners and the saints / It takes and it takes and it takes / And we keep loving anyway... Death doesn't discriminate / Between the sinners and the saints / It takes and it takes and it takes / And we keep living anyway" (Hamilton Soundtrack -Wait for It)
• "Hope that you fall in love / And it hurts so bad / The only way you can know / You gave it all you had." (One Republic - I Lived)
• "If this love is pain, well darling, let's hurt tonight." (One Republic - Let's Hurt Tonight)

If we try to avoid the bad, we will fail to experience any of the good. There is nothing to do but lean in and embrace it all.

• "The world is an ugly place. We must live in it." (Madeline Miller - Circe)
• "If you hide under the covers / You might never see the light of day" (Mary Poppins Returns - Trip a Little Light Fantastic)
• "Numbing vulnerability doesn't just deaden the pain of our difficult experiences; numbing vulnerability also dulls our experiences of love, joy, belonging, creativity, and empathy. We can't selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action." (Benjamin Disraeli)
• "You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could." (Louise Erdrich - The Painted Drum)

Practice fearlessness - even when you're afraid.

• "Even when I'm scared I have to try to fly / Sometimes I fall / But I've seen it done before / I gotta step outside these walls" (Teddy Geiger - These Walls)
• "If the highest aim of a captain were to preserve his ship, he would keep it in port forever." (Thomas Aquinas)
• "You have plenty of courage. All you need is confidence in yourself. There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. The true courage is in facing danger when you are afraid." (L. Frank Baum - The Wonderful Wizard of Oz)
• "I wanted you to see what real courage is. It's when you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what." (Harper Lee - To Kill a Mockingbird)
• "Living a life that is driven more strongly by curiosity than by fear... You have to be willing to take risks if you want to live a creative existence." (Elizabeth Gilbert - Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear)
• "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." (Nelson Mandela)

We can't choose what happens to us when we try. But we can choose to try anyway. And the act of making that choice both forges and proves our inner strength.

• "There are only two mistakes one can make: not going all the way, and not starting." (Buddha)
• "I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become." (Carl Jung)
• "Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "It was the difference between being dragged into the area to face a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high. Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the two ways, but... there was all the difference in the world." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)
• "The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena... who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly." (Theodore Roosevelt)

Picking yourself up and trying again is a choice you may have to make over and over again. But you can, and you will.

• "Just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die / You gotta get up and try, try, try" (Pink - Try)
• "Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent." (Marilyn vos Savant)
• "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it." (Margaret Thatcher)
• "This is how things go. You fix them, and they go awry, and then you fix them again." (Madeline Miller - Circe)
• "It was important to fight, and fight again, and keep fighting, for only then could evil be kept at bay, though never quite eradicated." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)
• "Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall." (Confucius)
• "I'll rise up / High like the waves / I'll rise up / In spite of the ache / I'll rise up / And I'll do it a thousand times again." (Andra Day - Rise Up)

You will glean wisdom from this pain. It will grow you and deepen you.

• "Experience is the only thing that brings knowledge and the longer you are on earth the more experiences you are sure to get." (L. Frank Baum - The Wonderful Wizard of Oz)
• "Biology gives you a brain. Life turns it into a mind." (Jeffrey Eugenides - Middlesex)
• "It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)
• "People who only have good experiences aren't very interesting. They may be content, and happy after a fashion, but they aren't very deep." (Peter Cameron - Someday This Pain Will Be Useful to You)
• "The goal is not getting comfortable, but normalizing discomfort. We need to cultivate the courage to be uncomfortable and to teach people around us how to accept discomfort as a part of growth." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "Don't give in / Don't you dare quit so easy / There is a lot we can learn from this loss" (Snow Patrol - Don't Give In)
• "It's times like these you learn to live again / It's times like these you give and give again / It's times like these / Time and time again" (Foo Fighters - Times Like These)

Suffering brings enlightenment and empathy.

• "The wound is the place where the Light enters you." (Rumi)
• "I had to go through hell to prove I'm not insane / Had to meet the devil just to know his name." (Ella Henderson - Ghost)
• "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity of our purpose or deeper or more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path. (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "There is no shame in what you are feeling. On the contrary, the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix)
• "My own suffering began to feel like it had revealed to me the suffering of others, a world of those who, like me, are stumbling in the debris of dreams they thought they were entitled to and plans they didn't realize they had made." (Kate Bowler - Everything Happens For a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved)
• "The pain sculpts us into someone who understands more deeply, hurts more often, appreciates more quickly, cries more easily, hopes more desperately, and loves more openly." (Unknown)
• "In order to act morally...you need to develop a deep appreciation of suffering... And if you want to know the truth of the universe, about the meaning of life, and about your own identity, the best place to start is by observing suffering and exploring what it is." (Yuval Noah Harari - 21 Lessons for the 21st Century)
• "Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." (Pema Chodron)

You are a block of marble, and pain is the chisel gradually shaping you into the masterpiece that you are. It's good that difficult times are inevitable - because they are also useful.

• "Under this pressure, under this weight / We are diamonds taking shape" (Coldplay - Adventure of a Lifetime)
• "Grief does not change you. It reveals you." (John Green - The Fault in Our Stars)
• "Even if I could [erase your scars], I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)
• "The scars themselves I offered to wipe away. He shook his head. 'How would I know myself?' They suited him. Whoever saw him must salute and say: There is a man who has seen the world. There is a captain with stories to tell." (Madeline Miller - Circe)
• "I am brave, I am bruised / I am who I'm meant to be / This is me." (Keala Settle, The Greatest Showman Soundtrack - This is Me)

Life is built from pain; so use your pain to build the life you desire. Treat this experience as nourishment for your soul and the spark that can light your creative projects.

• "The winter's cold / But the snow still lightly settles on the trees / And a mess is still a moment I can seize" (Gabe Dixon Band - All Will Be Well)
• "You're going to go through tough times - that's life. But I say, 'Nothing happens to you, it happens for you.' See the positive in negative events." (Joel Osteen)
• "I cannot bear this world a moment longer... Then child, make another." (Madeline Miller - Circe)
• "The opposite of war isn't peace... It's creation!" (Rent Soundtrack - La Vie Boheme)
• "Grief needs an outlet. Creativity offers one." (Hope Edelman)
• "Artists crave experiences because that's how they make art." (Whitney Scharer - The Age of Light)
• "Pick up a pen, start writing / I wanna talk about what I have learned / The hard-won wisdom I have earned." (Hamilton Soundtrack - One Last Time)

There is a time in every compelling narrative when things get difficult. Without conflict to overcome, there is no story. It is not easy - but it is worth it.

• "There was only one way to the other side, and that was through the pain." (Vanessa Diffenbaugh - The Language of Flowers)
• "The harder the struggle, the more glorious the triumph." (Unknown)
• "Such narrative arcs make good movies but shitty existences." (David Mitchell - Bone Clocks)
• "I guess the bad can get better / Gotta be wrong before it's right / But still the growing pains, growing pains are keeping me up at night" (Alessia Cara - Growing Pains)
• "You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find a joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost." (Helen Keller)

Challenging times are opportunities to remind yourself what you're made of, and chances to grow further evidence of your tenacity and success.

• "When we meet real tragedy in life, we can react in two ways - either by losing hope and falling into self-destructive habits, or by using the challenge to find our inner strength." (Dalai Lama)
• "Grief and resilience live together." (Michelle Obama - Becoming)
• "What does not destroy me makes me stronger." (Friedrich Nietzsche)
• "Do not confuse my bad days as a sign of weakness. Those are the days I am actually fighting my hardest." (Unknown)
• "Experience gives us the advantage of knowing that we can survive the exposure and uncertainty, and that it's worth the risk." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "You can take everything I have / You can take everything I am / Like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper / Go on and try to tear me down / I will keep rising from the ground / Like a skyscraper" (Demi Lovato - Skyscraper)

In the future, you will cherish the memories of this experience, and draw on them for comfort and strength.

• "Give it all or give it up / I won't settle for enough / It's the highs and it's the lows we remember" (Ocean Park Standoff - Good News)
• "There will be a sea of tears / But sooner or later the sea will dry up / And you'll learn to embrace the wet sand revealed." (Sanhita Baruah)
• "One day in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful." (Sigmund Freud)
• "Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing." (Elizabeth Gilbert)

Your narrative is your own narrative, and it will follow its own timeline.

• "There is purpose in your season of waiting." (Megan Smalley)
• "Time is a force and we must allow it to do its work, must respect its power." (Miriam Toews - All My Puny Sorrows)
• "Anxiety happens when you think you have to figure out everything all at once. Breathe. You're strong. You got this. Take it day by day." (Karen Salmansohn)
• "If we walk far enough, we shall sometime come to someplace." (L. Frank Baum - The Wonderful Wizard of Oz)
• "Don't rush through the experiences and circumstances that have the most capacity to transform you." (Rob Bell)

Don't worry about what future bad things might happen.

• "Contemplating the task ahead would not make it easier." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows)
• "I don't think being frightened will help." (Madeline Miller - Circe)
• "Worry does not take away tomorrow's troubles. It takes away today's peace." (Randy Armstrong)
• "No good sittin' worryin' about it. What's comin' will come, an' we'll meet it when it does." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)

Don't wallow in what would've-could've-should've been, either.

• "Nostalgia is a dangerous form of comparison." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "You're holding on to what you never had" (Hailee Steinfeld - Let Go)
• "Don't fall in love with the way things were / It'll fuck up your mind" (Snow Patrol - Don't Give In)
• "Leave the past behind you. If you don't leave it there, it clutters everything up and you just keep tripping over it." (Laini Taylor - Muse of Nightmares)
• "May your past be the sound / Of your feet upon the ground / And carry on" (Fun. - Carry On)

Focus instead on the vast potential of your present and future - the things that are still changeable, the successes and joys you've yet to see. Allow yourself to be happy and optimistic. Allow yourself to hope and dream and want things.

• "Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose." (Lyndon B. Johnson)
• "It is as wrong to deny the possible as it is to deny the problem." (Dr. Dennis Saleebey)
• "We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world." (Jack Gilbert)
• "You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down." (Charlie Chaplin)
• "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." (Oscar Wilde)
• "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
• "The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew." (Gregory Maguire - Wicked)

Allow yourself to try again - to throw yourself back into the fray, to make new plans and follow through on them.

• "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone)
• "Life won't just happen to you. You have to happen to it." (Laini Taylor - Strange the Dreamer)
• "Hope is a combination of setting goals, having the tenacity and perseverance to pursue them, and believing in our own abilities." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "Wishes don't just come true. They're only the target you paint around what you want. You still have to hit the bull's-eye yourself." (Laini Taylor - Muse of Nightmares)

Life doles out enough grief without you willfully adding more as a form of self-punishment. You don't have to wallow in it and invite it to prolong its stay in your heart.

• "I keep dragging around what's bringing me down / If I just let go, I'd be set free" (Linkin Park/Kiiara - Heavy)
• "All the broken hearts in the world still beat / Let's not make it harder than it has to be" (Ingrid Michaelson - Girls Chase Boys)
• "All my life had been murk and depths, but I was not a part of that dark water. I was a creature within it." (Madeline Miller - Circe)
• "I'd been stoking the most negative parts of myself, caught up in the notion that everything was unfair and then assiduously, like a Harvard-trained lawyer, collecting evidence to feed that hypothesis. I now tried out a new hypothesis: It was possible that I was more in charge of my happiness than I was allowing myself to be." (Michelle Obama - Becoming)
• "Our creativity grows like sidewalk weeds out of the cracks between our pathologies - not from the pathologies themselves... I refuse to seek out suffering in the name of artistic authenticity." (Elizabeth Gilbert - Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear)

Don't let hopelessness catch you in its spiral, telling you that where you are now is where you will remain forever. This is a self-fulling prophecy, a trap - and to believe such absolutes is a form of arrogance. You do not know what is to come.

• "Please keep in mind that whatever you're going through, this challenging time in your life is merely IN your life. It is not your whole life. So be sure to keep this slice of life in perspective and don't let it overwhelm you. Remember: nothing is everything. The part is not greater than the whole." (Karen Salmansohn)
• "Tone down the prophecies of doom and switch from panic mode to bewilderment. Panic is a form of hubris. It comes from the smug feeling that one knows exactly where the world is heading: down. Bewilderment is more humble and therefore more clear-sighted... Try telling yourself, 'Truth is, I just don't understand what's going on.'" (Yuval Noah Harari - 21 Lessons for the 21st Century)
• "Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will." (Suzy Kassem)
• "Just because something isn't happening for you right now doesn't mean that it will never happen." (Unknown)
• "In this sad world of ours sorrow comes to all and it often comes with bitter agony. You may believe that you will never feel better. But this is not true. You are sure to be happy again." (Abraham Lincoln)

It is often easier to fall for that trap of depression than it is to remain hopeful - but just because something is easy does not mean it is the best course.

• "There will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire)
• "He had been broken and reassembled as a shell, only then to do the bravest thing of all: He had kept on living, though there are easier paths to take." (Laini Taylor - Strange the Dreamer)
• "Dying is easy - living is harder" (Hamilton Soundtrack - Right Hand Man)
• "We must try not to sink beneath our anguish, but battle on." (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince)
• "Don't squander joy. We can't prepare for tragedy and loss. When we turn every opportunity to feel joy into a test drive for despair, we actually diminish our resilience. Every time we allow ourselves to lean into joy and give in to those moments, we build resilience and we cultivate hope." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." (Tori Amos)

Faith is fuel, keeping you moving through long stretches of desert. Belief in the future, in a light you cannot see, is not foolishness, but bravery.

• "You don't have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step." (Martin Luther King, Jr.)
• "You need a leap of faith to leave your old life behind. True metamorphosis doesn't come with flowcharts." (David Mitchell - Bone Clocks)
• "That's what faith is, isn't it? Following the music when we don't hear it." (Francisco X. Stork - Marcelo in the Real World)

Believe in yourself. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself.

• "Never apologize, never explain it away, never be ashamed of it. You did your best with what you knew, and you worked with what you had, in the time that you were given." (Elizabeth Gilbert - Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear)
• "Cultivate the courage to be imperfect and self-compassionate. Perfectionism is not the path that leads us to our gifts and to our sense of purpose; it is a hazardous detour... Our worthiness, that core belief that we are enough, comes only when we own our stories (even the messy ones)." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "Even when it's not pretty or perfect. Even when it's more real than you want it to be. Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own." (Michelle Obama - Becoming)
• "We have to be willing to give ourselves a break and appreciate the beauty of our cracks and imperfections. To be kinder and gentler with ourselves and each other. To talk to ourselves the same way we'd talk to someone we care about." (Brene Brown - Daring Greatly)
• "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." (Buddha)

There are things that are going to be outside your control. Understanding that is not an admission of failure, but an important step toward acceptance.

• "Control is a drug, and we are all hooked, whether or not we truly believe that we can master the future with our words and attitudes. The entire motivational-speaking industry rests on the assumption that you can have what you want, you can be what you want... [and that] there is a hidden logic to this seeming chaos... [But] nothing human or divine will map out this life, this life that has been more painful than I could have imagined. More beautiful than I could have imagined." (Kate Bowler - Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved)
• "Someday it might make sense to you - why you needed to go through this botched-up mess in order to land in a better place. Or maybe it will never make sense. So be it. Move on anyway." (Elizabeth Gilbert - Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear)
• "'It is not fair' and 'It cannot be' are two different things." (Madeline Miller - Circe)
• "Fairness is one of the most compelling claims of the American Dream, a vision of success propelled by hard work, determination, and maybe the occasional pair of bootstraps... In a world of fair, nothing clung to can ever slip away... Give up that little piece of the American Dream that says 'You are limitless'. Everything is not possible." (Kate Bowler - Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved)

But just because some things are uncontrollable does not mean everything is. Control what you can. Even when you are swimming in uncertainty, there is always something you can do. You can try to enjoy today.

• "We are never so wise as when we live in this moment." (Paul Kalanithi - When Breath Becomes Air)
• "Do not save this for tomorrow / Embrace the past and you can live for now / This is the new year / A new beginning" (A Great Big World - This is the New Year)
• "There's only now / There's only here/ Give in to love / Or live in fear / No other path / No other way / No day but today" (Rent Soundtrack - Another Day)

Be grateful for where you are right now. If your lungs are still breathing, your heart still beating, you have at least two things to marvel at.

• "A rainy day is better than no day." (Rachel Simon - The Story of Beautiful Girl)
• "Even if I'm dying, until I actually die, I am still living." (Paul Kalanithi - When Breath Becomes Air)
• "Live unburdened. Live free. Live without forevers that don't always come... The water is rising and levees may break and it will sweep us all away. But until then, I am here." (Kate Bowler - Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved)
• "Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now / Look at where you are / Look at where you started / The fact that you're alive is a miracle / Just stay alive, that would be enough" (Hamilton Soundtrack - That Would Be Enough)
• "Aging is a fucking privilege." (Kate Bowler - Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved)
• "It doesn't mean that it does not hurt. It doesn't mean that we are not frightened. Only that: we are here. This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive." (Madeline Miller - Circe)

Remember: if the bad and good are permanently tied up in each other, that means good times are also inevitable. Good times are coming. You will get through this. This too shall pass.

• "If life didn't change, it wouldn't be life, it'd be a photograph." (David Mitchell - Bone Clocks)
• "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." (Victor Hugo)
• "It's been a long cold lonely winter / It feels like years since it's been here... Here comes the sun / Here comes the sun, and I say / It's alright" (The Beatles - Here Comes the Sun)
• "All will be well / You can ask me how but only time will tell" (Gabe Dixon Band - All Will Be Well)
• "This feeling will pass. This workload will pass. These people will pass. This moment will pass. This fatigue will pass." (Lin-Manuel Miranda - Gmorning Gnight)
• "It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small / And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all" (Frozen Soundtrack - Let it Go)
• "Pain will come with time, but time will heal the pain." (Anthony Liccione)

Letting go of the comfort of grieving can be difficult. But you are capable of accomplishing this final hurdle in moving on. Just because something is gone does not mean it will be forgotten.

• "I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic" (Linkin Park/Kiiara - Heavy)
• "The brain is built to forget things as we continue to live; memories are meant to fade and disintegrate and sharp edges become blunt; the pain of letting go of grief is just as painful or even more painful than the grief itself. It means goodbye." (Miriam Toews - All My Puny Sorrows)
• "This is what I know about loss: It doesn't get better. You just get (somewhat) used to it." (Jennifer Niven - Holding Up the Universe)
• "You think the dead we loved ever truly leave us? You think that we don't recall them more clearly in times of great trouble?" (J.K. Rowling - Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
• "Nothing's really left or loss without a trace / Nothing's gone forever - only out of place... Maybe all you're missing lives inside of you" (Mary Poppins Returns - Where Lost Things Go)

I love you and I believe in you.

Love, Andrea

From August to August

I learned I was pregnant the first time on August 10, 2018. I was four weeks along then, and had two long weeks to get through before my first doctor's appointment to confirm the pregnancy. It would be another two weeks after that first appointment before I would learn that I was having a missed miscarriage; I had a D&C at 1 day shy of 9 weeks, on September 13, 2018.

For my second pregnancy, I again saw my first positive home pregnancy test at four weeks, on May 5, 2019. Soon after, my doctor brought me in for early hCG blood draws to ensure that the pregnancy was progressing appropriately this time. At 4 weeks 2 days, my hCG was 2,836 (rather high for an initial draw); two days later it had more than doubled, and was now at 7,420! It was a good sign, and I was scheduled for my first ultrasound at 5 weeks 4 days. Baby was measuring a few days early (6 weeks 1 day) and had a confirmed heartbeat!

Thankfully, my second pregnancy has continued to follow this much different trajectory than my first. I had another ultrasound at 6 weeks 5 days, another at 8 weeks 4 days, another at 11 weeks 4 days, and another at 16 weeks 2 days. (Being considered "high risk" has its perks.) Baby has consistently looked healthy, measuring a few days ahead at every single appointment. :)

Now, it's August again, a year since my first pregnancy began, and I recently passed the halfway mark (20 weeks) in this second pregnancy. I'm due in early January 2020.

During my first trimester (May-July 2019), I had a few people ask me if I was more nervous/less excited this time, given that my first pregnancy ended in loss. I guess people supposed that I'd be more guarded with my emotions, knowing how a pregnancy could end. But the truth is, I wasn't. Not during the first trimester, and not now that I'm in the second trimester either.

I was actually quite worried about miscarriage during my first pregnancy - almost as if I somehow knew it would happen, even though I really had no reason to suppose it would. I tried to pretend I wasn't afraid, and even took specific steps (like telling close family and friends very early) to try to help myself feel less worried and get more excited about it.

This time, if I didn't tell people quite as early (or didn't seem as excited when I did), it's because I didn't feel as anxious. I let myself get excited on my own - and so didn't need other people's excitement to help me get there. Nearly right away, I started working on a baby registry. I bought cute baby clothes (probably too many). In June, my husband and I installed custom shelves and hanging rods in our nursery closet. (And yeah, I did end up telling several people early again after all.)

I still knew the chances of loss - perhaps even more keenly than I had during that first pregnancy. The difference was that last time knowing those chances had made me anxious and afraid... and this time, they didn't.

At least 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. If you include pregnancies that end before a person might know they're pregnant (eggs that were fertilized but never fully implanted in the uterine lining, cycles that end with an on-time or only slightly-delayed period), it's probably closer to 1 in 2. The truth is that a lot has to go exactly right for a pregnancy to happen. If anything is even slightly off with the environment inside the uterus, or the genetic code of a fertilized egg, the pregnancy won't be viable and will end in miscarriage. Most of the time these things can't be controlled; there is nothing that can be done to stop it.

My first pregnancy, I tried to do everything right. I ate only the "right" foods, and I did my best to hit my blood sugar targets (even though I had no mealtime insulin to help me achieve that lofty goal). I worried about paint fumes and household chemicals and driving over potholes (which is a frequent occurrence in Michigan). I had a list on the notes app of my phone titled "Things to Avoid While Pregnant" that I compiled and frequently consulted. I knew that most miscarriages couldn't be prevented, but still hoped I would be able to stack the odds in my favor. I couldn't.

So when my second pregnancy began, I didn't worry so much. I obviously still followed (and continue to follow) the general eating guidelines - no raw meat or fish, no unpasteurized cheeses - but I allowed myself to eat cooked hot dogs and sausage, and put Caesar dressing on my salad, which I'd denied myself last time (the first because of "poisonous nitrates", the second because of the possibility of raw eggs, even though that possibility is basically zero for any Caesar dressing you buy in the grocery store). If the bathroom counters or shower needed to be cleaned, I cleaned them without worrying about breathing in chemicals for a few short minutes. And not once did I consult my "Things to Avoid While Pregnant" list. As a result, I was a lot less anxious those first few weeks of my second pregnancy. I'd freed myself from the unrealistic expectations that I could control how things went.

I was less anxious for other reasons too, including the logical fallacy that I'd already had a miscarriage, and so thought it less likely that I would have another. After all, if 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage, wasn't I now "due" an average of 3 healthy pregnancies before I had to worry about miscarriage again? It doesn't actually work like that of course... At best, the events are independent, meaning the chances are the same every time. At worst, the first miscarriage wasn't just a "fluke" after all, and was caused by an underlying problem with the potential to recur again and again, meaning the chances of future miscarriages would be higher, not lower. But there's logic, and there's feelings, and part of me just felt that my second pregnancy was bound to go better than my first. I knew it had no real basis in fact, but I let myself believe that it did, because believing it made me feel better.

It also helped that my second pregnancy immediately felt different than my first. I had early symptoms this time (sensitive, tender breasts) that I never felt until AFTER my D&C last time; there were still other symptoms that I had with my first pregnancy (lower back pain, GI distress, and muscle fatigue) which were significantly lessened the second time around. Different symptoms don't guarantee a different outcome of course - but it's easy to fall into that line of thinking, and once again, I didn't discourage myself from doing so. If believing that was true made me feel better, why not believe?

It also likely helped that my doctors brought me in sooner for blood work and an early ultrasound, and that everything looked great right from the get-go - and continued to look great. Every time I went in for another ultrasound and saw reassurance on the screen that everything was still going well, I felt such relief. I mean it when I say I didn't spend much of my first trimester this pregnancy worrying about having another missed miscarriage... but that doesn't mean I never worried. A few hours before each of the first few ultrasounds, it would all come back to me - being in that room with the ultrasound tech and learning the bad news. In those moments, it was hard not to worry that it would all happen again. But then I'd go in for the appointment and NOT hear bad news, and that relief would buoy me for weeks - until a few hours before my next ultrasound, when last-minute doubts and anxieties would rear their ugly heads again.

But I think the biggest reason I was less afraid this time was because the possibility was less unknown. I knew what it was to have a miscarriage. I knew what it entailed. And I knew that it was survivable. Framing it that way doesn't completely stop you from worrying that it might happen again, but it does help - A LOT. I knew I would be just as devastated (perhaps even more so) if I had a second miscarriage... but I also knew that I would recover. Now that we'd successfully gotten pregnant twice, both times within a few months of trying, I could say with more confidence that we didn't have fertility problems. And I had faith that we would keep trying - that we could and would get pregnant as many times as we needed to (or find an alternative, if necessary), and that eventually we would see through our dream of becoming parents.

So whenever the possibility of miscarriage crosses my mind (or stillbirth, which it would be considered now, after the 20 week mark), I try not to dwell on it long. I know that if it happens again, it would only be a temporary setback (even though it wouldn't feel like it at the time). I know that I'm resilient and strong and capable of moving on and trying anew. And I also know that I have a support system that would help get me there.

Nearly a year after my miscarriage, I still think about it a lot. Not the anxiety, fear, or grief I felt - but the love and support I was surrounded with. I remember my husband reading me funny tweets from his phone to keep my spirits up while we were waiting in the pre-op room before my D&C. I remember the bouquets of flowers my parents and in-laws sent. I remember the doctors and nurses being kind to me, and the emails from work that I could "take all the time I needed" before returning. And I remember the outpouring of support I received from people (many whom I hadn't talked to in years) on this blog and on Facebook, when I "went public" with the story of my miscarriage on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day last October.

I remind myself of all those things whenever there's something to worry about... Because while it's true that I didn't worry as much about another missed miscarriage, I definitely worried about OTHER things instead during that first trimester.

In the very beginning (before my first ultrasound proved otherwise), I worried that my hCG levels were TOO high, and that it might mean a molar pregnancy - which would result in its own kind of miscarriage, likely requiring a delay of several months before we'd be cleared to try to get pregnant again.

Then, my early ultrasounds found a mass in my right ovary, which I was told was "probably" a cyst (a benign and common occurrence that happens in about 10% of pregnancies) - but which "might" be a heteroectopic pregnancy instead (a much less common occurrence, happening in only 1 in 300,000 natural pregnancies). A heteroectopic pregnancy would mean I had two fertilized eggs (twins) but that one implanted improperly in my fallopian tube or ovary, instead of in my uterus. It would mean that the inviable ectopic pregnancy could rupture and destroy my fallopian tube, impacting my future fertility. And it would also probably mean careful surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy without harming the healthy pregnancy in my uterus - a surgery which, even if done correctly, could result in my healthy pregnancy miscarrying, as happens in about 30% of cases of abdominal surgery during the first trimester. I tried not to worry about the possibility too much (and the statistics were very comforting here, implying that a corpus luteum ovarian cyst was MUCH more likely), but because there was visible blood flow around that ovary and my hCG levels were slightly elevated, the ultrasound techs and my regular OB doctors kept insisting that a heteroectopic pregnancy "couldn't be excluded," even after examining the cyst on two different ultrasounds. Finally, at 8.5 weeks, I got a second opinion from Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM); they firmly concluded that it was only a cyst after all.

There were other medical scares too (all of which concerned my health, never the baby's). During a breast exam at my OB's office, I was told that they'd felt a possible lump, and only after a full ultrasound of both breasts was the possibility of breast cancer ruled out. And a few weeks later, towards the end of my first trimester, an EKG that MFM ordered to check my heart functionality came back "borderline" and had to be followed up with an echocardiogram - a full heart ultrasound. Those results also came back with good news, concluding that I had no genetic heart defects after all.

To get through the anxiety that all these potential complications brought, I again turned to what I knew: that I was resilient and strong, that I had a wonderful support system, and that one day, somehow, we'd be through all the setbacks and see our dream realized.

These weren't new realizations - I actually wrote a letter to myself last August that suggested all those things - but now I had the evidence of my September miscarriage to back up that hypothesis.

This is what I wrote on August 17, 2018, addressed to myself to open one year in the future (August 17, 2019):

"I'm currently 5 weeks pregnant and about to tell Mom and Dad the news that they're going to be grandparents. I'm nervous about telling them (telling anyone, really), because even though the chance of miscarriage goes down every day this pregnancy continues, there's still about a 17% chance of miscarriage right now (at least, according to this site) - which is 1 in 6, a roll of the die. I haven't even had the pregnancy medically confirmed yet (and won't until my first appointment/ultrasound in a week) - so I only know I'm pregnant at all from a handful of mild symptoms and the two positive home pregnancy tests I've taken... I'm hoping that telling some people will help make this all feel a little more real. But I also don't want to feel responsible for dragging others through the roller coaster of emotions (up, then back down) if (heaven forbid) something were to happen and this pregnancy doesn't end up 'sticking' after all. I want to have a support system I can lean on if that were to happen - but I also feel guilty enlisting people to be that support system, especially if they don't want to be. (Chances are they DO want to be - but you know me. Always doubting that people might actually want to help me.)

"I'm anxious about a lot of things - if and when certain pregnancy symptoms might appear, whether or not this pregnancy will 'stick,' what my blood glucose is going to do over the next crazy 8 months. So I'm writing this letter to future-me so that I can at least find reassurance in the future, even if I can't now. Future-me is probably laughing right now reading this, remembering this anxious feeling from a year ago but knowing that everything turned out ok and I delivered a healthy baby in April. You have your own struggles now I'm sure, struggles so immediately pressing that all the worries from early pregnancy must seem very distant. You've been recovering from giving birth and adjusting to motherhood. You have a 4 month old, for crying out loud! I can't even fathom right now. But at least you can read this letter and find reassurance that you made it through everything you were worried about this time last year - which means you can also make it through whatever aspects of parenthood have you worried now.

"And if you're reading this and AREN'T bolstered by the knowledge that everything turned out ok - because something happened along the way and this pregnancy turned out not to be viable - then I hope you find reassurance in this letter anyway, in remembering that at this time last year you were worrying about 'roping people into' being your support system (a worry that likely seems frivolous now, after seeing how that support system helped you after all), and imagining miscarriage as the worst thing you could think of (which now you know you were able to survive)... I hope all your wishes about this pregnancy and this baby and motherhood have come true. If they haven't, I hope that you haven't given up on them. I really do believe that I will be an incredible mom - which means that you are too (already, or will be soon)."

Turns out I didn't really need to reread those words for reassurance this month - because I'd remembered the gist of what I'd written, even without seeing it over the last year.

It's funny - if you'd told me the week immediately before or after my D&C in September 2018 that I would one day in the not-too-distant future look back on that time for solace, I would've had a hard time believing you. What solace is there to find in loss and grief? But the me-before-miscarriage understood how helpful that might be, and the me-of-early-2019 employed that tactic religiously. Throughout the cycles when we were trying to get pregnant again, and then in the early months of this pregnancy, I frequently reminded myself of what I had already survived, as proof that I could do it again. I reminded myself of my strength and resilience - and the strength of my relationships.

By the time I opened that August 2018 letter a couple weeks ago and re-read those words, I was already well into my second trimester - out of the "danger zone" when most miscarriages are likely to happen. I'd already told everyone about my new pregnancy, even posting the happy announcement on Facebook.

But there are still things I could be worried about. (There always are.) I don't know what my third trimester will bring, and what (if any) complications my diabetes might cause. I don't know how labor and delivery will go. I don't know if parenthood will be what I imagine it to be, or how easily I'll adapt to the unique challenges that will bring. But I'm not going to heap unnecessary suffering on myself and deny myself the current pleasures of hope, excitement, and joy. Instead of living based on my fears, worrying about what might go wrong, I'm choosing to live based on my hopes and dreams, letting myself get excited about what could go right.

As Hagrid said in J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, "No good sittin' worryin' abou' it. What's comin' will come, an' we'll meet it when it does."

Personal Values

A couple years ago, I took the time to think about and explicitly define my personal values. Not other people's values, or what society as a whole seems to value, or even what I wanted to value - but the things I naturally, innately valued: the things I've been prioritizing and living my life according to all along (or trying to prioritize and live my life according to), without even realizing it.

Now, "innate" doesn't mean these things are easy for me to prioritize - on the contrary, there were many times in my life when these values were incredibly difficult to believe in at all, let alone base my behaviors on. But it is precisely this - that these beliefs and behaviors would persist even when it would've been easier to forget them or change - that helped convince me they were my core values after all. These are things that some part of me has always believed, even when other parts of me were actively resisting and trying not to.

Maybe it seems odd to put in the effort of putting my values into words, when on some subconscious level I already knew what they were. I find it helpful, though - not only for my personal edification and trying to better understand myself, but also to use as a tool in times of stress. So often when I feel stressed, it's because I've started listening to other people instead of myself. I've forgotten what I usually or innately prioritize, or even somehow talked myself into trying to change those priorities to look like something else - something decidedly not me. Referring to my list of personal values in these moments can help me identify which of my values I've been neglecting and help me refocus my priorities. Other times, I'm stressed because my current situation is making it difficult for me to live according to my values, which is upsetting and frustrating. In this case, too, referring to my list of personal values is helpful, because it illuminates which of my values are currently threatened, which in turn helps me figure out how to find another way to fulfill those values despite my circumstances. 

Today I'd like to share my list of values with you. Some may look familiar, being values you also have; others might be completely foreign and not something you'd at all agree with. I'm not passing judgment on these values as inherently superior to anyone else's - these just happen to be the values I've inherited or cultivated over the years and which now truly feel like a part of me, woven into my very essence. It took lots of self-reflection, recalling countless memories, and going through old journals, researching and collecting evidence from my own life, to come up with this list - and I still occasionally revise it from time to time. It's not set it stone; it's a living document, and it changes as I continue living. 

There are seven values altogether, divided into two broader categories. Under each value, I've also written "I will" statements, to give myself examples and encouragement for how I can live my life according to that particular value. These statements are meant as inspiration, and are not indicative of how I always think or behave... but I do have several examples of times in my life where I have done those things, which I read both to remind myself what I'm capable of, and to remind myself that these really are my values, and have always, on some level, been my values. (After all, if they weren't my values, I wouldn't have this pattern of past behaviors which seems to reflect them.) I've also included some of those examples here, underneath the main list of values - quotes from my private journals and private/public blogs.

**

My values:

A. I am self-sufficient and I have self-worth.

1. I know what I want, and recognize if I'm not getting it. If I am not provided with what I want, I work toward it by myself, for myself.

• I will allow myself to need things, want things, and hope for things, and I will practice recognizing what I need, want, and hope.

• If I need something from someone else, I will speak up and fight for what I need.

• If I want to learn something or do something or have something or participate in something, I will find a way to do it or ask for it (in the best way I know how at the time).

• I will continue to set personal, creative, intellectual, emotional, and physical goals, which represent accomplishments that are personal priorities for me; and I will continue to pursue these goals, for myself.

2. I believe I am worthy and deserving of being treated with respect and kindness. I put a lot of energy into empathizing and trying to understand others, and I get upset when I don't get this kindness and understanding in return that I know I deserve.

• I will choose to surround myself with people who give me that kindness and respect.

• If someone repeatedly denies me the respect and kindness I deserve, I will not allow them to play a significant role in my life.

B. I cherish the things that make me human and I value the time nurturing these pursuits.

3. I value my intellect and stretching and nurturing my knowledge and understanding of the world.

• I will continue to take classes, learn new things, read books, do research, flex my "insight" muscles, make connections, and develop my own way of understanding the world.

• I will immerse myself in these intellectual pursuits for myself, researching and exploring the topics that are interesting or meaningful to me.

• I will take pride in the personal language and metaphors I create and use to describe my unique understanding of the world.

4. I like trying to understand myself and trying to understand other people. I practice compassion, kindness, and empathy towards others. I like connecting with others (especially on a deeper, emotional level) and feeling like a part of the web of humanity.

• I will prioritize tending my emotions, journaling, chronicling and revisiting my memories, writing and rewriting my life's narrative, defining my personal values, and establishing my self-identity.

• I will seek out and experience others' creative outputs/understandings of humanity by reading fiction and nonfiction, listening to music, watching television shows or movies, attending theater productions, visiting museums, and contemplating visual artwork.

• I will strengthen the relationships I have with the kind, respectful people in my life by initiating or participating in heartfelt, honest conversations.

• I will pursue friendships and find meaningful ways of connecting with new people.

5. I am emotional - and I value my emotions and my ability to demonstrate them. I use multiple different avenues to feel, and to express and share my feelings and opinions with others. I believe that my feelings and opinions are worth sharing with others, because I have a unique voice and insights to offer the world.

• I will acknowledge the emotions I have, and not shame myself for feeling or expressing them.

• I will allow myself to cry, and to stop crying, to feel emotion every day, and revisit the same emotions over and over.

• I will listen to or watch media that encourage me to feel.

• I will allow myself to express my emotions in front of the trustworthy people closest to me.

• I will write, draw, and paint with the specific intent to share my thoughts or feelings with others. I will craft my message carefully and pointedly, with honesty, heartfelt emotion, and eager vulnerability. And I will work to share these insightful creations with others.

6. I value my creativity and exploring artistic pursuits.

• I will create spontaneous art and writing for myself, giving myself permission to use art and creative writing as a personal relaxation or therapeutic technique, or to simply enjoy the aspects of creation, making a mess, and working intuitively without forethought or concern with the art/writing's marketability or message.

• I will learn new artistic or writing techniques and familiarize myself with new artistic materials, both on my own as a method of play and in a more formal classroom/group setting, to expand my horizons, embrace the process of art-making and writing, connect with others who have similar interests, and have fun.

7. I am independent, inquisitive, adventurous, and brave. I like trying new things and forging my own path. I like exploring my environment and exploring new places. I want to experience everything. I want to take advantage of opportunities, and to be able to say I really lived my life.

• I will prioritize traveling, exposing myself to new environments and new opportunities to see and experience the world.

• I will chronicle my experiences through photography and journaling to remind myself of all the place I've been/things I've done.

• I will strike out on my own to try new and potentially scary things.

• If there is something I want to try, I will not let being alone in this desire, fear of what others might think of me, or others' risk aversion hold me back.

• If there is something I want to do that is not organically presented to me, I will seek out and cultivate these opportunities myself.

**

Category B was easier for me to pinpoint - they are characteristics about myself I have been more likely to embrace throughout my life, values that were less "hidden" from me. I wanted to take as many classes as I could, in high school and college both, trying to balance my love of learning about a wide range of topics with my specific passions of art and writing. When time or scheduling restraints preventing me from doing everything I wanted to, I prioritized learning, writing, or creating art in my spare time as well. And even when my emotions and experiences were invalidated or written off by others, I persisted over the years in writing on Livejournal, Facebook, and various blogs, because I believed my feelings and opinions were worth sharing with others (whether a select group of trustworthy friends, strangers, or some combination thereof). I've always loved making deep, emotional connections with others - whether in person or online or with fictional characters - and feeling like a part of the web of humanity.

• From 11/18/2005: "I'm disappointed already because our high school has some really cool classes that I never had time to take... just wait until I graduate college. I want to take ALL the classes!"

• From 4/2/2006: "There's something almost cathartic about hanging out backstage with theater people. All that energy and excitement. Now that the show is over, I'll miss the sense of community. It never ceases to amaze me how everyone can bond so quickly in just a couple of weeks. I love it."

• From 6/29/2006: "Even if not professionally, I hope to always draw and write, just for my own benefit. Art is something to look forward to, something to work at, something to accomplish, something to be proud of. Honestly, I can't imagine my life without drawing of some sort, even if it's just doodling cartoons, because drawing has been a part of me for so long."

• From 8/15/2006: "Things that make me smile: crazy dreams, writing something good, drawing something good, buying school supplies, and embarking on new academic adventures."

• From 1/5/2007: "It makes me a little sad, to lose something that was such a large part of my life, but in the end I think it tore me away from people more than it brought me closer to them. It kept me from understanding certain things or empathizing with people by hardening my heart to those who were different from me, and that's not something I'm okay with."

• From 9/15/2007: "I want to witness stories and empathize with people. But I can't be that kind of person easily - because I've conditioned myself to often be emotionally detached, telling myself that emotion is weakness. So just because connecting with other people is something I genuinely want to do does not mean it's something I'm always able to do - and knowing that, admitting that, makes me feel so sad and overwhelmed."

• From 12/5/2007: "My art history paper had to be 15 pages long; mine is 28. I just got so excited to do the research and got really interested in it!"

• From 3/14/2008: "Oh well. It doesn't mean I won't read and write in my spare time, even if I can't fit English and Creative Writing classes into my schedule."

• From 9/3/2008: "I want art to just take me in any and every direction it can; I don't want to limit myself to one thing. I want to have a concentration in everything."

• From 11/1/2010: "I really don't want to settle for a job I don't want, when I believe I'm capable of better things and know how important growing and challenging myself are to me."

• From 5/9/2011: "I want to nurture my authenticity - that is, being true to myself and doing what I really want to do. I want to do at least one authentic thing a day - one thing I do just for myself, just because I want to, because it's who I am."

Category A, however, was not something I initially included in my list of values at all. I knew that I wanted to believe I was self-sufficient and had self-worth - but I didn't think that I already believed those things, just that they were beliefs I was trying to acquire, in order to raise my low self-esteem. If you've ever tried to convince yourself to believe something, you know that it's a daunting task - raising my low self-esteem therefore seemed to require Herculean effort. How was I supposed to convince myself to believe I was capable of seeing myself as worthy and deserving of kindness and respect, or practice recognizing what I wanted and working toward such goals, if I'd spent so many years doing exactly the opposite?

But then I noticed something, reading through old journals. Whenever I wasn't treated with respect and kindness, I got angry and upset. I wouldn't have felt that way if I truly believed I didn't deserve those things. 

• From 9/26/2005: "What about me? Can't I be happy too? I deserve more than what I've been getting lately."

• From 5/17/2006: "I'm trying not to be bitter, I really am. But I guess I still can't help but feel that all my hard work has gone unnoticed or unacknowledged."

• From 10/1/2006: "I would never have said that to them, because I would never want to hurt them. Did they not even think about how this might make me feel?"

• From 7/16/2007: "I don't think you realize how much it hurts when you treat me this way - or else why would you continue, if you knew how much it kills me? What do you hope to gain? There is only so much I can take before I just can't bottle up my feelings anymore."

What's more - when I understood (even on a subconscious level) that I was lacking something important, I tried to do something about it. Even if it turned out to be a dysfunctional coping mechanism in the end, it was still an attempt to provide myself with what I needed, with whatever resources I had to work with or understanding I had about the situation at the time.

This went for showing myself respect and kindness, too. I wanted to be nicer to myself, to stop self-abusing, and learn how to have better self-esteem. It was a cycle I got stuck in often in middle school, high school, college, and even after - being critical and awful to myself, and then vowing to be better.

• From 2003: "I guess I'm stuck being me. Maybe one day that'll make me happy. Maybe one day I'll be proud of myself. But for now I guess I'm here, hoping that maybe that 'one day' is near."

• From 2004: "I'm sick of beating myself up. I'm tired of being a perfectionist. I try too hard. I care too much. Enough is enough."

• From 12/31/2005: "I will work on being happier, especially with myself. I need more self-confidence."

• From 11/7/2006: "I am too critical of myself. I want to be nicer to myself."

• From 12/27/2008: "I wish I'd done less over-analyzing things, disliking myself, and stressing out in 2008. I'm still learning how to stop judging myself so harshly, but I'll get there."

• From 1/8/2011: "I love the rare times I believe in myself (though I bet I'd like them even more if they were less rare)."

It was eye-opening to discover how many of those entries there were in my journals over the years - and a relief. It meant that, while a part of me had spent years (decades) being overly critical and abusive to myself, there was always some part of me who stubbornly persisted on seeing my self-worth. It meant that I didn't have to teach myself from scratch how to value myself after all - just that I had to cultivate that part of me that already existed. It felt like less of a Sisyphean struggle after that; it felt like a cycle I could actually escape.

And so I included those Category A statements in my list of personal values as well - and it was those more than the ones about creating art or writing blog posts or learning new things that I'm really talking about when I said earlier that it was important and helpful to me to take the time to put those values down into words. Those are the values I haven't always let myself believe in, the values that haven't come easily to me - but things I kept trying to believe anyway, even while other parts of me were actively resisting.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, it's been a couple years now since writing these values down and firmly asserting to myself, without a shadow of a doubt, that these are statements I actually believe, and have always believed. I'd been slowly growing more comfortable with myself and allowing myself to cultivate my self-esteem anyway, but writing down this list made those pursuits even easier. I can honestly say that I've never felt more content with and proud of myself than I have in recent years. I've had moments of pride before, of course - but they often grew from someone else being proud of me for something I'd accomplished. They were moments of external validation that I'd internalized, rather than internal validation that persisted no matter what tangible things I was accomplishing, what goals I was seeing to completion, or what others might be thinking of me. 

It has been a profound help, and a great relief, to discover my authentic self and allow myself to value what I innately want to value. This doesn't mean that I never care what others think of me - but it does mean I can more easily find my sense of self-worth again anytime I temporarily lose it.

Missed Miscarriage

Trigger warning: Discussion of miscarriage, including emotional grief and graphic descriptions of the physical process

***

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I wanted to make a happy social media announcement this week - the week that would have marked the beginning of my second trimester of pregnancy. Instead, I'm making a different sort of post.

At my eight-week ultrasound at the beginning of September, I learned that I was having a missed miscarriage. Though my body had yet to get the memo, the ultrasound showed that everything was measuring only six weeks and five days along, with no detectable heartbeat. I had no symptoms of miscarriage, and over the next few days, while I researched what might happen next and talked to my doctors, I would still never have any symptoms.

And so I was faced with a series of awful options:

1. Anxiously wait several more days (or weeks) for my body to start naturally expelling what the medical field calls "the products of conception"

2. Take medication to induce uterine contractions to speed along the process

3. Get a D&C - a surgical dilation of the cervix and removal of the uterine contents by suction

I read several accounts online of women who had chosen options 1 or 2 (or been forced to endure them by nature, their doctors, or financial limitations), and knew from their stories that the experience was often physically and emotionally traumatic. For one thing, it would almost certainly include some degree of labor-like pains as I “birthed” into the toilet the blood clots and tissue of what could’ve, in an alternate universe, become an April baby and its placenta. Furthermore, there was a chance I could end up in the ER if I started hemorrhaging or fainting due to blood loss - or that I wouldn’t be able to pass everything naturally anyway, and still end up requiring a D&C to prevent infection. It all sounded horrific, from both a physical and emotional standpoint, and more than anything, I didn’t want to do it.

Option 3 carried its own risks - as any surgical procedure does - but on the whole it seemed the “least awful” to me. At least a D&C would get the physical process over with faster, less painfully, and on my own terms - something I longed for in a situation where I felt like I had so little control about what was happening. (It is worth noting that my husband has health insurance through his work which covered the majority of my D&C, and we have the means to cover what’s likely to be our $1000-1400 out-of-pocket expense. I didn’t have to factor in the financial cost when making my decision - a privilege that I wish every person had when weighing important options about their health.)

I told my doctors I wanted a D&C, and they quickly scheduled the procedure for me, on the day that would’ve-could’ve-should’ve been one day shy of a nine-week pregnancy. My first pregnancy was thus completed in the span of exactly two months, from July 13 to September 13.

Left: At my 6-week ultrasound on August 24 we were told that everything was measuring slightly behind, at maybe 5 weeks 5 days - but that it was common for dating to be off by a day or two that early in the pregnancy, especially if there was a chance it implanted later than expected. The ultrasound tech insisted that she could see a fluttering signaling the beginnings of a heartbeat, and while it was "still too weak" to officially measure the heart rate, she remained optimistic that it was just because it was so early that a day or two can make a huge difference in the embryo's development. We had no reason to believe I would have a miscarriage, and the ultrasound tech spent time showing us which parts were the gestation sac, yolk sac, and fetal pole.

Right: In the two weeks between my early ultrasounds, I watched some of my early pregnancy symptoms lessen or disappear - while other pregnancy symptoms ramped up. Part of me worried that I might be having a missed miscarriage, but as this was my first pregnancy and I had nothing to compare it to, I had no REAL reason to believe that these changes meant anything. Still, I was much more nervous going in to my 8-week appointment on September 7 - and not just because I'd told more people about the pregnancy in the interim and was getting rather attached to the idea of being pregnant and becoming a mom. The ultrasound tech at my 8-week appointment was much quieter, making her measurements quickly and silently. Before she said the words, I already knew. She handed me tissues while I cried. After a moment, she said: "This may seem weird, but would you like a picture?" I didn't think it was weird. I was grateful. And even though I already had one from my 6-week ultrasound, I said yes, I wanted another one.

Pregnancy loss is a grief that is hard to reconcile, with very few answers to explain why, and very few memories or pictures to draw on for comfort. And all of these feelings are compounded by changes in hormones, which come crashing back to pre-pregnancy levels after weeks of steadily rising. I am not often a crier about Big Things - I tend to grieve more silently - but there were days before and after my D&C when I was surprised at how emotional I felt.

There is so much to process - not just the loss of someone you'd never met but somehow started to bond with anyway, or even the loss of potential: what that baby could've been, what our family could have been. There's the fear of what will happen physically: the potential pain and loss of blood if the miscarriage should start to happen naturally, the possible complications of a surgical procedure, and anxieties about how long physical recovery will take. There's the feeling of being cheated out of a joyful pregnancy and birth and sharing that happiness and excitement with the world - and the awkwardness and grief of telling family, friends, and coworkers that you miscarried, many of whom never even knew you were pregnant. There's the loss of the sense of pride and accomplishment in carrying a child to term, giving birth, and becoming a mother. There's envy towards women to whom pregnancy seems to come easily, and anger that I was not one of them.

There's even difficulty readjusting back to a state of non-pregnancy: planning meals for the week that suddenly aren’t restricted by pregnancy diet requirements, re-adopting my pre-pregnancy blood glucose targets, unsubscribing from weekly pregnancy update emails (and trying to ignore all the targeted pregnancy-related ads on my Facebook feed that I couldn’t unsubscribe to), and packing up maternity clothes I purchased prematurely and never got to wear. These mundane tasks might seem like nothing - but they’re not unlike the tying up of loose ends that many mourners go through when a loved one dies: sorting through their belongings, stopping mail, contacting other people or businesses to let them know of the loss, and paying off medical bills.

There's also resentment stemming from never knowing the cause of my pregnancy loss. I never truly blamed myself, but many women do. I’d read so many articles and statistics even before I’d been through my own that I knew miscarriages were caused by unpredictable chromosomal abnormalities; furthermore, I was fortunate enough to hear from many people (including my very kind doctors) that it was nothing I did or didn't do, nothing I ate or drank, and not even anything related to my diabetes, which is generally very well controlled (and a discussion for another time). But that didn’t stop me from WANTING to find a way to hold myself culpable - because then at least there would be a reason it happened, and something I could do differently to prevent a recurrence. Without that, I'm left with the unsatisfactory truth that life and death are unknowable and uncontrollable; I'm left with a loss of innocence for potential future pregnancies and the fear that this could all happen again.

In my particular case, preparing for my D&C, there was also a longing for my pregnancy to "not be taken away" from me, or (to put in other words) for me to somehow find a way to both get the physical process over with as quickly and painlessly as possible while also not being "complicit" in having my pregnancy terminated. Of course, it was already ended, whether I was "complicit" in it or not - my hCG hormone levels were dropping, the “products of conception” were starting to break apart, and my pregnancy symptoms had been disappearing or gone for days if not weeks. But despite all the evidence from blood draws and ultrasound screens, it was still hard to believe that it was over - and hard not to ask the doctors to triple and quadruple check for signs of potential viability.

I'm sure that initial disbelief affects all women who go through a pregnancy loss - denial is one of the stages of grief, after all, and there are undoubtedly women who pass golf-ball sized clots or survive unimaginable hemorrhaging and pain and still hold out hope for the continuation of their pregnancy - but I also felt like it was a hurdle somewhat harder to cross when I wasn't experiencing any of the telltale bleeding or cramping symptoms. Not only was I upset that my body was unable to maintain the pregnancy, I was also angry that it couldn't seem to "miscarry properly" either, leaving me stuck in a horrible limbo.

Getting a D&C was not a decision I settled on lightly, but one I ultimately chose for my mental and physical health. I hoped to at least avoid the worst of the pain and bleeding - and I'm sure that I did, compared to what it could've been - but in doing so, I forgot that getting a D&C was hardly nothing. My post-op paperwork told me that bleeding for up to six weeks after the D&C was not uncommon (mine lasted on and off for about two weeks), and recommended that I take 600 mg of Motrin every six hours as needed for pain. To be sure, there were days when I had very little cramping or bleeding, and no need for Motrin. But there were a few days, more than I had anticipated, where the opposite was the case and I needed that pain medication to get through the day. A D&C is still a miscarriage.

It took three and a half weeks (and seven pokes for blood draws at the doctor's office) for my hCG hormone to get completely back to non-pregnant levels after my D&C, but thankfully only about one week to start to feel like my body was my own again - that I could count on it to look the way I expected it to look, feel the way I expected it to feel, and behave the way I expected it to behave. Even though I'd been early in my pregnancy, my body had still gone through several changes: by 8 weeks, for instance, the uterus has already grown to twice its typical size - which isn't really visible from the outside, but feels and looks very different to the person it's happening to, as things get more crowded in their abdomen. It was such a relief, then, when I started to feel like "myself" again; after weeks of emotional and physical turmoil, it was a comfort to be back in familiar territory. But that relief was also colored with guilt, shame, and anxiety that were hard to dispel. What if my relief meant I hadn't wanted to be pregnant enough, or that I wasn't ready to be pregnant again?

I tried to tell myself that if I had carried this pregnancy to term, no one would fault me for my happiness at seeing my body return back to normalcy - and indeed, that no one would likely fault me for feeling this way after this ordeal, either, and that I was once again being my own harshest critic. I also reminded myself that pregnancy can be difficult to endure even when it’s at its easiest and least complicated - and that I would never accuse another person who hated or feared the physical changes of pregnancy of not loving their child or looking forward to parenthood enough. But it’s hard to rationalize your emotions away, and what ultimately helped me feel better (about this and so many other aspects of the healing process) was confirmation from others going through similar situations that they felt the same way I did - that it was normal to feel conflicting emotions even over things as seemingly innocuous as the speed/ease of digestion, the frequency of urination, or the shape of my stomach in my favorite shirts.

When I was pregnant, I thought about being pregnant nearly constantly - from worries about when nausea might strike and how that might affect how much insulin I should take, to the excitement of planning the paint colors for the nursery. When I learned of my missed miscarriage and all those pregnancy thoughts vanished, I filled the vacuum they left behind with other anxieties: Was that twinge a symptom of impending miscarriage? Will I “make it” to the date of my scheduled D&C? Is it typical to have these cramps and on-and-off bleeding after the procedure? When will I feel normal again? As more weeks passed and my body healed, it was hard to stop obsessing. I wasn’t sure if I should toss aside all my memories of what I’d been through or if I should continue to dwell on them, to mourn, to read online articles about grief.

And if I do let all the thoughts about my pregnancy loss fall away - what should I think about instead, to fill that new vacuum? Is it too soon to start checking my temperature and peeing on sticks in an effort to chart what would likely be an irregular first couple of menstrual and ovulation cycles? Is it unhealthy to keep switching out one obsession for the next - pregnancy for miscarriage, miscarriage for trying to conceive again?

Once enough time has passed, it all starts to feel like it never really happened. It feels weird to say “when I was pregnant” when I have nothing to show for it but a couple grainy sonograms and weeks-old, already-fading memories of early pregnancy symptoms. It feels like something that happened to someone else. That, too, is painful. This was my first and (so far) only pregnancy; this was the closest I ever came to having a child and becoming a mother. Until I get pregnant again, these memories are all I have. And I don’t want to forget them.

Statistically speaking, at least 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss - and yet, we hardly ever talk about it. It is remarkable, when you start talking aloud about your miscarriage, how many people come back with “me too” - people who you would never know had a miscarriage until you mention yours. To quote Angela Garbes in her amazing book Like a Mother: A Feminist Journey through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy: "Many people are uncomfortable talking about pregnancy loss, so they don't. And it's no wonder - any meaningful discussion of it requires acknowledging death, blood, tears, and items being expelled from the vagina." But just because it's difficult doesn't mean it should continue to be taboo.

I'm choosing to share my story publicly because I want other women who have experienced pregnancy loss to know that they are not alone. Pregnancy loss can feel very isolating - but it doesn't have to be. I am so grateful to everyone who showed me support in the days before and after my miscarriage, including family, friends, coworkers and strangers on internet forums.

I’m also choosing to share my story for my own sake. There is a lot of societal pressure to bury this topic, presumably to save other people a few minutes of feeling uncomfortable or sad, and I often feared that no one wanted to hear any of this - let alone hear me “still” talking about it, weeks later. What can I do, then, when talking or writing helps me, but I feel like I’m not allowed to talk/write about it? Share my thoughts anyway, I suppose, without waiting for other people to give me permission to do so. I still want that outpouring of love and support that I would’ve gotten if I’d had happier news to share today; I don’t deserve it less just because my pregnancy is over too early.

To again quote Angela Garbes: "When it comes to pregnancy loss, there is no script to follow. To help a woman navigate it, you don't need to offer advice or perspective. It is enough to show up, however awkwardly, and be there, to listen." Writing has always been a form of therapy for me. Thank you for listening.