Self Compliments

At the end of 2016, I had the idea to write some compliments about myself. It came from a desire to make sure to capture my self-esteem (while I had some) and find a way to preserve it, in case I needed reminding in the future of my worth and what I am capable of. I started writing some positive adjectives about myself, as I thought of them. Then, I consulted lists of positive adjectives online and added to my list, finding more adjectives that I thought fit me. (A lot of these were variations of the same idea, or even synonyms of each other. But I wrote them down anyway, just so the list looked lengthy and very impressive.)

I thought it would be good to start 2017 off on the right foot and make sure I reminded myself on a consistent basis what some of those adjectives were. I divided up my "compliments" into 52 groups, one for each week of the year, and then I set up emails to myself through the website FutureMe.org, which lets you schedule emails to be sent to yourself at a later date, sending one email to my inbox every Monday.

In the future, I don't think I would do it this way again. Often, the email arrives in the middle of a bunch of spam emails and I barely pay attention to it. Even when I do pay attention and take the time to really read it and absorb the words, I find that it has little impact on a day when I already feel confident. Instead of scheduling them in advance, then, I think a better idea would have been to print them out and cut them up and put them in a jar or something. Then, when a time came when I needed to hear some encouragement, I could reach in there and find one to read.

In general, though, I do think it's a good exercise to do, and I would recommend it to anyone who struggles with self-esteem, even if only on an occasional basis. Take the time on a day when you're feeling good, and write compliments to yourself. This works on two levels. First, it's always nice to hear good things about yourself and be reminded of times you had success in the past, things you're proud of, positive qualities intrinsic to your personality, etc. Second, seeing words that you yourself wrote in the past will remind you that you once believed in the words you wrote (and therefore can believe in them again). I know my first reaction when I hear a compliment is to be embarrassed, or to brush it off as just "somebody being nice" and not "somebody actually telling the truth." But that reaction doesn't happen when they're compliments to me, written by me, that get sent to my email by me, and aren't seen by anyone else but me. There's no one else around, so I don't have to feel embarrassed, or worry that if I show too much gratitude for the compliment I'll somehow be less deserving of it (because I guess my subconscious thinks that only humble people deserve love?). Furthermore, because I picked out these adjectives and wrote these compliments to myself, I have to believe them and take them seriously, because I already have believed them and taken them seriously in the past. It sounds confusing, I know. But somehow, it just works.

It does feel a little silly, writing what are essentially love letters to yourself. But they really are helpful, especially if you're someone who always focuses on the negative, ruminating and beating yourself up over every failure or mistake you've made, but neglecting to take the time to acknowledge successes and challenges you've overcome. It's like you're retraining your brain to focus on good things, too, by purposefully doing just that.

Here are some samples of these compliment letters I've written to myself, in case you want to use these as a jumping-off point to show yourself some self-love as well:

Don't forget, you are calm, calming, and capable! You are welcoming, worthwhile, and worthy. You are self-reliant, creative, and persistent in whatever you do. You are a good person, and you have value. 

Don't forget, you are considerate and consistent! You always do the best you can at the time with what you know. Your confidence, self-esteem, and inner wisdom are increasing with each day. You are a good person, and you have value. 

Don't forget, you are wanted, warm-hearted, and warranted! You are thankful, thorough, and thoughtful. You play a big role in your own career success. You are a good person, and you have value. 

Don't forget, you are deserving, determined, and devoted! You are scholarly, self-disciplined, and self-governing. You draw from your inner strength. You are a good person, and you have value. 

Don't forget, you are artistic, awake, and authentic! You are selfless (to a fault) but working towards self-empowerment. You are self-expressive. You are unique; you feel good about being alive and being you. You are a good person, and you have value. 

Don't forget, you are grateful and grounded! You are prolific, and you are progressive. You matter and what you have to offer this world also matters. You are a good person, and you have value. 

Don't forget, you are merciful, mindful, and multi-dimensional! You are a better person for the hardships you have gone through with your family and friends. You are a good person, and you have value. 

Don't forget, you are compassionate and composed! You are necessary and needed. You choose friends who approve of you and love you; you actively work at bettering your life. You are a good person, and you have value. 

Don't forget, you are nurturing, nourishing, and nourished! You are affectionate and accomplished. You let go of worries that drain your energy, and channel them into creative endeavors. You are a good person, and you have value.

Don't forget, you are illustrious, improving, and incomparable! You are hopeful and helpful. You are self-reflective and capable of recognizing and moving beyond your mistakes. You are a good person, and you have value.

Don't forget, you are patient, peaceful, and perceptive! You are knowledgable and kind. You make smart, calculated plans for your future. You are a good person, and you have value.

Don't forget, you are ambitious and articulate! By allowing yourself to be happy, you inspire others to be happy as well. You are a sunshine-spreader! You are a good person, and you have value.

Don't forget, you are disciplined, driven, and durable! You are learned, but always willing to learn more. You are capable of loving all of who you are. You are a good person, and you have value.

As you can see, a lot of them get a little repetitive. The point is not to make every note completely different - just to find different ways of telling yourself the same things over and over again, until they start to stick and you see them for yourself.

I followed the same basic pattern every time. By starting with "don't forget" I reminded myself that what followed was going to be something I had at one point believed; if I hadn't thought these things about myself lately, it was just because I'd forgotten, not because they were no longer true. I then continued with a string of adjectives, pulled from the list of adjectives I'd created for myself. (I alphabetized the list, so when I copy-pasted three or four adjectives from my list, they were already in fun, alliterative phrases!)

Then, I included an affirmation, from lists I found online. Things like "You are capable of moving beyond your mistakes" or "You are a better person for the hardships you've endured" or "You feel good about being alive and being you." I often find it hard to think of these kinds of affirmations in "I" statements (as in, "I am capable of moving beyond my mistakes" or "I am a better person" or "I feel good about being alive and being me"), because they feel more false that way. I start to second-guess them: "But I don't feel capable today, right now! This is all just a lie!" For me, using "I" opens up chances for me to search for holes to poke through them; whereas, if I word it with a "you" instead, and pretend that I'm talking to myself and telling myself these things, I'm more likely to accept them. Of course those sentiments aren't always true; but they are always possible, and that's the point. Even if you don't feel capable right now, you still are capable, because you've been capable in the past and will be again in the future. By using "you," I find it easier to accept it as a statement that could be true, and that therefore is true - instead of using "I" and wondering if it is true, and therefore concluding that maybe it can't be. (But all that is really just personally preference.)

Finally, I close with "You are a good person and you have value," because this is the conclusion I want to reach every time. I'm a good person because I try to be a good person. I'm a good person because of all the positive qualities I have, and the effort I put in to working on myself. I have value, because I am a person. I deserve the good things that happen to me, or the things that work out in my favor, because every person does. I am allowed to acknowledge and bask in successes I've achieved; I am allowed to be happy.

Taking Responsibility For Your Ignorance

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people have the means to do something but choose not to do it - either out of laziness or a lack of confidence in their own self-sufficiency.

And, just to be clear, when I say "pet peeve," I mean something that frustrates me because it makes me sad to see. It doesn't make me angry (very little actually makes me angry) - but it does make me sad. When I see people do this, I pity them. I want to ask them why they don't think enough of themselves to care about the image they're putting out there, or why they don't think enough of themselves to believe in their abilities.

For example, when someone egregiously misspells a common word. I am not the best speller myself (I was always in the lowest spelling groups in my elementary school classes), but I do read a lot and I write a lot, especially on the computer, and over time my spelling has improved. And if I'm typing, and that little red line appears that tells me I've misspelled the word, I don't leave it like that. I figure out how I spelled it wrong - either by using Chrome or Firefox or MS Word's suggestions for the word I meant or, if I spelled it so wrong that whatever app I'm using has no suggestions, by going to Google and typing in a few different ways I can think of to spell it and checking that against the definition to make sure that I find the correct spelling and am using the word as I intended to use it. It does take some time (an entire minute or two), but it's not that difficult and it's important to me to make sure the words are spelled correctly, so I am willing to put in that effort.

It is not so easy to do on a phone, I know. It's harder to run spell check, it requires closing the app you're in and opening a new one to search for the correct spelling, and sometimes even if you do all of those things, your phone thinks it knows better and "autocorrects" to a different word you did not intend to use at all. I don't fault someone for not caring about spelling or grammar as much as I do, and I certainly don't fault them for auto-correct mistakes. In fact, if it's a difficult-to-spell word, chances are good I won't even notice if it's misspelled. But if it is a short, common word, and your spelling is so far off that it takes me extra time while reading it to figure out what you actually meant to say, it feels like you're essentially saying to everyone else that your time is more important than theirs. You don't need to take the time to make your status easy to read; it is up to the person choosing to read it to figure out what you meant and do that extra minute of work.

I'm thinking of a particular case where I was following a Facebook friend who was complaining about a visiting friend being a generally horrible house guest, and abusive to boot. It was a very serious post, voicing a serious complaint, and looking for serious advice on what she should do. He had grabbed her arm at one point and left bruises there. Except that she spelled the word "broozes," which instantly made me think of "booze." It made the sentence confusing and took me awhile to figure out what it actually said - and the spelling "broozes" looked so comical that it completely underscored the seriousness of her post. It is possible that she honestly did not know that "broozes" was wrong, and so did not know better than to leave it like that. It is also possible (probable, I would think, in her case), that she was typing quickly, on her phone, and did not have the time nor care enough to stop what she was doing and find the correct spelling. She was stressed out and in a difficult situation, and the spelling of her status was the last thing on her mind.

But I have seen people do this kind of thing again and again, and often it is not that they are in a difficult or potentially dangerous situation at all. They are just going about daily life, writing something innocuous or mundane or silly, and they misspell an easy word. Or they share or retweet something that is simply not true but that they did not take the time to verify. Or they are having a discussion with someone and something comes up that they do not recognize or do not understand, and they just continue the discussion anyway, or ask the person they are talking with to stop to explain that thing to them.

To these people, I want to say: you have the ability to fix this. You can look up a word you don't know how to spell, or a word you aren't sure of the definition of. It is as easy as going to Google and typing in the word, or typing in "define" and then the word. You can verify the legitimacy of something you see on the Internet by clicking on it and seeing where it came from and what sources it cites or who wrote it. You can look up a phrase that you don't know the meaning of. We live in a world of easy information. We have Google. You don't have to not know things anymore.

I would think that it was just people being lazy, and not wanting to do the work themselves. But I don't think that's always it. I think a lot of people genuinely do not believe themselves capable of taking charge of their own education like this. It is literally as easy as typing a word into Google, but people don't know how to do it. I worked as a substitute teacher for almost two years, and a lot of the classes I did were middle school classes. These kids were not lazy; they were willing to do the work and were trying to work on the assignments that the teacher had left for them to accomplish in her absence. And they had easy resources at their disposal to help them finish the assignments. They had smartphones, they had tablets, they had laptops. I subbed a lot in the Romeo district, where every middle schooler had a school-issued Chromebook (laptop) to use. They used these every day, in every class. And yet, they still did not know how to use Google. They were so uncertain in their abilities to take charge of their own education that they didn't know where to begin. They wanted me to just tell them the answer, because then they would not be culpable. "That's what the sub said," they could say as an excuse if they got it wrong. They did not want the responsibility of doing the work themselves.

They would be doing a vocabulary worksheet and come across a word (not one of the vocab words) that they didn't know and they would raise their hand and call me over and ask me what it meant. I would point to their Chromebook. "Did you look it up?" They didn't even know what I meant. They knew how to find the correct definitions of the vocab words, because they were in their digital textbook. But if they had to look up a definition of another word, they had no idea. I told them to go to Google and they looked at me like I was crazy. It's a Chromebook! The whole thing is literally just Chrome. There is a Google search bar RIGHT THERE, on every page. I told them to type the word into the search bar and see what came up. "But this isn't what I want, this doesn't answer my question." Okay, then put "define" in front of it. If they tried something once and it didn't work immediately they just gave up. They had no self-sufficiency for finding answers to their questions on their own.

When I subbed in high schools, it was the same way. Kids would literally be holding a smartphone in their hand and ask me to define a word for them. You have the internet right there in your hand! Look it up yourself! They had no confidence.

It just made me really sad to see, that by the time these kids were 11 or 12 they had already given up control of their education. They didn't want to figure it out themselves. "Just tell me the answer," they would say. "It'll be easier." What they meant was - it would be more likely they would get the answer right. They didn't care if they learned anything, they just wanted to get it right.

You get out of education what you put into it. If you don't care, you won't learn.

I don't know. I like learning new things. I haven't been in school for 6.5 years now, but I still go out of my way to learn things. If I'm reading an article and I can't figure out what a word means by context clues, I'll probably look it up. Maybe not every time, but if it's something I care about and want to know, I look it up. I don't ask anyone else what it means. I know I'm capable of using Google, capable of figuring things out. If I want to know more about something, I read up on it. If I want to know how to spell a word, I look it up. If I'm writing something and a word pops into my head that I'm not sure about, and I want to know if it's the correct word to use, I look it up.

I think this is one of the biggest problems for the future... It's not just kids. It's adults too. This is why "fake news" is such a problem, why people share and retweet things that are blatantly false. People don't trust themselves to know things or know how to go about knowing things. They want other people to tell them. When other people tell them, they assume it's legitimate. They don't believe in themselves, but they believe in strangers. We all have so little self-confidence in our critical thinking skills, in our ability to look things up, to arrive at the right answers, that we rely too heavily on others - others who are also not self-confident, others who just got their answers from someone else, too.

You just need one person to say something - anything - and say it with conviction, and so many people will follow. Because we don't think for ourselves. We don't have the confidence to. It's pitiful, and it makes me sad. To see that even middle schoolers have this problem, that already they've lost all confidence in themselves - it was really disheartening. When I see people my age do these things, or older adults, or elderly people - it's still disheartening. At what point do we start gaining that confidence back? At what point do we learn how to be responsible for our own education, our own words?

People give up on themselves too easily.

L'Art Erotique Recap: What's in a Name?

My episode of ARTV's L'Art Erotique docuseries, Desirs Secrets, aired in Montreal in early February. Though the video of it is up on Vimeo, it's for private access only (otherwise I'd link it here). It was (of course) all in French, and I haven't had time to translate it all yet to see exactly what they said about my art, but from what I can glean so far it seems to be a pretty accurate representation.

I'm very grateful for the opportunity to get my work seen by more people, but I do have a major complaint. They listed my name as "Andrea Frownfelter" on the video, even though I expressly told them many times that my name is now "Andrea Arbit."

I understand the confusion - they contacted me to be a part of their docuseries because they found and read my thesis online (which you can read for free here: http://commons.emich.edu/honors/238/). I wrote this thesis in 2010, the year before I was married, and so it was published under "Andrea Frownfelter." Maybe they would have published it under a different name if I had asked, but I didn't ask, because I was pretty sure the answer would be a resounding "no." I wanted to earn graduation credit for my thesis, and so I used my (then) legal name, the name that would appear on my diploma.

I was already engaged at the time, and knew I would be changing my name soon to "Andrea Arbit." I was slightly worried that it would lead to some confusion, since I planned to use my married name on all future artwork and projects completed after 2011, but I figured it was just the first few paintings of what I hoped would be a long artistic and writing career, and that in the end it wouldn't make much difference.

I didn't realize that my thesis would continue to connect me with people years after graduation. I've been married almost five years now, and graduated from EMU for six years, and in that time I've tried to make a name for myself as "Andrea Arbit." But it is still "Andrea Frownfelter" who is often cited, because that is the name listed as the author of my thesis. Maybe if I knew this would still be coming up six years later, I would've asked EMU if they could publish it under the name "Andrea Arbit." I should've asked. The worst they could've said is no, and just maybe they would've said yes.

Every time I received an email from the people producing the L'Art Erotique series, it was addressed to "Andrea Frownfelter" or "Mrs. Frownfelter" (which was never my name; I was never a "Mrs." when I was a "Frownfelter") or even, once (strangely), "Mrs. DeAndrea." I politely corrected them each and every time.

When I was interviewed in person, I even filled out a form with my name and title as I wanted it to be used in the show. I wrote "Andrea Arbit." None of these instances of telling them my new legal name apparently stuck, because when the episode aired, I was listed as "Andrea Frownfelter."

This was my chance at getting the name "Andrea Arbit" out there - and connecting my new name unequivocally with my thesis paintings, so that there would be no confusion that we were the same person. Instead, they perpetuated and exacerbated the problem, naming me as "Andrea Frownfelter" when that isn't a name I've used for any of my art or writing since 2011.

Honestly, every time I think about it again I get a little angrier. If I had wanted to continue to be known as "Andrea Frownfelter" I would have used that name. I do not use that name anymore, and told them so many times. They did not respect my wishes.

I feel a little weird complaining about it, because I feel like it's the opposite problem that many women have. I hear more stories of women who do not want to change their name after marriage who are bullied into changing their name anyway, or who are called or addressed by a name that isn't theirs and which they've never taken, just because other people (whether they be strangers or family) can't fathom a woman who would chose to keep her birth name. Instead, I get called by my birth name when I want to be addressed by my married name.

Maybe it just goes to prove that there's no right way to be a woman and have a name, even in contemporary society. Those who don't want to change get shamed at for not changing; those who do want to change but already have something out there with their birth name on it face constant issues with getting other people to acknowledge the new name. It's ridiculous - and it's usually a female-only problem. Women are the only ones routinely expected to change their names (change their identities) throughout their lives. Our choices to deal with this problem are to face scrutiny for keeping our birth names, never marry, or never produce anything before marriage that gets our name known.

I married when I was 22 years old! It's not like I had decades of an illustrious career attached to the name "Andrea Frownfelter." I had one academic paper, which I wrote when I was 21. That was it! What, was I supposed to marry before I graduated just to avoid this problem? Or go through extra red tape to change my legal name without being married, just so I could use the name I wanted to before graduation?

I didn't want to be known as "Andrea Frownfelter" because I didn't particularly like the name. It was nothing against my family; I just didn't like the F sounds. My brother had actually been bullied a lot as a kid by peers substituting other F-words into his last name. ("Fartfelter" and "Frownfarter" probably being the nicer of the possibilities you can imagine). Though I avoided much of this name-calling myself (somehow), knowing how easily kids were changing his name did little to make me want to keep mine. I also didn't like the length. Sometimes it was hard to fit the name on forms. (I pity anyone who has a long first name and a long last name - I can't even imagine!)

I've always wanted to be a writer or an artist, to create things and attach a name to those things, to be known. I played around with pen names as a kid. When I pictured my first published book, I didn't picture it filed under F for Frownfelter. I knew it would be something else. It didn't have to be my real name, but it had to be a name associated with me somehow - a name I'd come up with or decided on, a name that would be my own.

Then I happened to fall in love with someone with the last name "Arbit." It was pretty convenient. It was a shorter name, a name I liked, and a name I thought sounded good with my first name. I thought the alliteration might help with name recognition, and it didn't hurt that it was at the start of the alphabet. I figured I'd use it as my writing name, my artist name, my legal name, and the name everyone would call me.

I always wanted to change my name, and I saw getting married as a wonderful excuse to do so. Not only would it be easy to legally change my name at that time, but (I thought) it would also be easy to socially change it at that time - that everyone would easily accept my decision because it was part of a tradition. In addition, I expected to have kids one day, and wanted to avoid the headache of different last names within the same family. It made sense for me to change my name, and to change it to the name of the person I was marrying. I felt a little weird about it, being a self-proclaimed feminist. But I rationalized away such weirdness by reminding myself that being a feminist is about doing what feels best and most self-empowering for each individual woman, and for me that was changing my name.

I like being "Andrea Arbit." I enjoy the way it rolls of the tongue. I enjoy the way it looks. I enjoy signing it - whether it's just the last name scribbled into the corner of artworks or my first and last names, two capital A's, signing a check or document.

But none of that should even matter. I don't have to give a reason why I want to be known as "Andrea Arbit." If I ask you to do that, why can't that request just be accepted? I owe no explanations. There is no reason for someone to disrespect my wishes and call me by anything else - even if the thesis that brought me into your attention has my last name listed as something different. Why is it so hard to do what someone asks you to do regarding their own identity? It's their identity. They know best. 

I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to be transgender.

All I'm asking for is to be recognized by my changed legal name, which happened almost FIVE YEARS AGO and was acquired in the most privileged, traditional way that it could possibly be acquired, following naming conventions which have been around for literally centuries. And even this I have problems with.

I realize that this is probably just a "lost in translation" or "falling through the cracks" sort of thing - I was emailing and talking to several different people through the process, and most were good about addressing me as "Andrea Arbit" (or simply "Andrea") in further correspondence, once I corrected them. They were also translating back and forth between French and English. I don't think the used the wrong name maliciously or intentionally. Mistakes happen. I get it.

But it's still really disappointing that I was called the wrong name on television, that my artwork was attributed to a name that no longer exists, and that I was denied the opportunity to promote my desired, currently utilized, legal name to a wide audience. I hope their mistake doesn't do too much to hold "Andrea Arbit" back from the recognition she's working hard to earn.

More Manuscript Editing

Lately, I've been focusing on my novel (which is why there haven't been as many posts of artwork as there used to be). Most of my spare time goes to trying to make what I have work better, in the hopes that I can hook a literary agent and get my book published.

One of my biggest concentrations right now is purpose - giving everything a purpose, from minor characters to the setting to the scenes themselves. I've been giving minor characters "double duty" - as in, instead of just pushing the plot along, they also contribute something else to the story, like conflict (by irritating the main character) or by paralleling or adding to a major theme.

I've been doing the same thing with the setting for each scene. I'm trying to avoid cliches (kitchens, cars, etc.) as much as possible and put the characters into more interesting venues. I'm also trying to have the settings work "double duty"... In going through and looking at word choice in an earlier round of edits, I realized there were a lot of references to height. Some of the characters are building a treehouse, and so there are references to climbing up and down, or calling up/down to other characters. In another part of the story, there are also hills, which create the same situations. This wasn't really intentional, but maybe on some subconscious level it was - the differences in height often reflect the character's state of mind, and how they see themselves/the people around them. (Looking down/up at other people, putting others on pedestals, thinking they're better than others, etc.) So in places where I can change the setting, I've also been looking at how I can add height into the mix, like having conversations on rooftops and in basements.

As for the scenes themselves, I'm trying to make them more engaging by increasing the tension or conflict. There isn't a whole lot of action (instead, there's a lot of existential rumination), but I have found ways (often through the minor characters that I wasn't utilizing in the best way I could) to irritate the main character more.

I have also been trying to turn exposition into dialogue whenever possible (while making sure that the dialogue remains the sort of thing someone would actually say and isn't an obvious "info dump"). I've found that this also increases the tension - when the characters revisit memories together (instead of just thinking about them silently and ruminating), arguments often follow. At the very least, it's easier to get an instant sense of the characters - when they talk to each other more, their personalities and how they relate to other people come out much more clearly.

It's been a lot of work - there are scenes that I'm basically rewriting entirely - but I really do think it's making my manuscript better. It's hard to tell until the whole thing has been worked through, but I think it's getting there.

All of these ideas came (at least initially) from a great book I've been reading - "Revision and Self-Editing: Techniques for Transforming Your First Draft into a Finished Novel" by James Scott Bell. If you're looking for ideas for fixing plots, scenes, and characters, definitely check it out.

Studying Art in College

Art is one of those subjects that you really don't have to go to college to learn - because so much of it is just based on practice and doing some art experimentation every day, there's a lot you can do at home. And with the rising costs of college (at least here in the U.S.), it can start to seem a little futile to go spend all that money (and likely go into debt) to study something that will bring you little job prospects. (The term "starving artist" doesn't exist for nothing.)

Creative writing is another field like this. There's a big debate among contemporary literary writers about the importance of the MFA - some insist that a good MFA program is crucial to learning how to write good stories; others insist that it's not necessary.

I can certainly see both sides. I pursued a BFA in watercolor and graphic design at EMU, and can speak to the great experiences I had there that I wouldn't have gotten anywhere else. Of course, on the other hand, I'm currently writing a novel (without ever having pursued an MFA), and thus hope that I can find success with my writing without going through this step.

A lot of it depends, I think, on your financial situation. Given today's economic climate, I don't know if I'd recommend going into massive debt for either sort of degree. The financial pay out will likely not be worth it. On the other hand, if you have the resources to cover it (or most of it), there are definitely positive aspects to pursuing higher education in a field you love. The networking opportunities (if you take advantage of them) will likely be helpful, as well as opportunities for building up your CV.

My CV would be a lot shorter if I didn't have all my projects at EMU to showcase - from the yearly symposiums I talked about in recent posts to the senior art exhibitions EMU set up in its student and university galleries. Furthermore, because I wanted to graduate with "highest honors," I wrote a senior honors thesis - which has probably given me the most exposure of anything, due to its free availability online. I got to do that interview for the Montreal TV series "L'art Erotique" because the producers found and read my thesis online, and I have also been contacted by others (college students, fellow artists, fellow feminists, etc.) from around the world who have read it.

I was lucky enough to have scholarships to attend EMU, and to have family (my uncle in particular) kind enough to help pay for many of my remaining expenses, including room, board, textbooks, and art supplies. I did accumulate a small amount of debt - but it was small enough that I was able to pay it off soon after graduation (despite having no steady income). I realize this is not the case for everyone (which is why I am hesitant to say "Go to college! It's worth the cost!" without knowing others' specific situations). But I did give a lot of thought to my finances in choosing to attend EMU. I also got accepted into the University of Michigan - a school with a vastly greater reputation, but a higher tuition. It was difficult to turn that down - especially given that many of my high school friends were attending U of M. But U of M did not give me the amount of scholarships EMU was willing to (EMU gave me a full-tuition scholarship for four years), nor did they promise the same sorts of opportunities. At U of M, I would've been a small fish in a big pond. At Eastern, I was a big fish in a small pond. I was guaranteed opportunities to showcase my artwork at the symposiums every year. I chose EMU because I knew it would mean I could skate by with very little debt; if I had chosen U of M, that might've (probably would've been) a different picture.

I do have to say - one of the drawbacks of the amazing opportunities at EMU was that I got a little spoiled. So many things were offered to me without my having to put forth much effort to seek them that I had very little experience scouting opportunities after I graduated, and little confidence to try. College is a beautiful, protective bubble - which is great while you're there, because it gives you room to try new things, figure out what you really want to study, and begin to define who you are. But it's not so great after graduation, because then you're faced with a rude awakening when you enter the real world.

It was harder to stick with art once I didn't have assignments to complete, or quotas or deadlines to meet. I didn't have professors (or anyone else) expecting artistic output from me. It was also harder to find ideas, harder to find critique groups, and harder to find places to show my work or try to sell it. This is also true for writing. Though I didn't take advantage of many creative writing classes in college (I only took one), I'm sure if I'd prioritized it, there would have been greater opportunities to find in college than outside it. Critiques would be built into classes, and fellow writers would be easy to find and befriend. Outside that protective college bubble, none of that is the case anymore.

For awhile, I didn't really try to find places to show my art, or try to network much at all. I just didn't know what to do, or where to start. And so now there's this gap on my CV, between when I graduated in 2010 and when I started trying to put myself and my art out there more this past year. I wish I'd made more connections earlier, talking to local art councils or art galleries. But at least I'm doing it now.

Poems and Song Lyrics

As a kid/pre-teen, I fancied myself a songwriter. I've always liked to sing (even if I'm not naturally great at it), and I've always liked to write, so it seemed obvious to merge the two. I wrote little songs and then went out in the backyard and sat on a swing and sang them. I sang them for myself. I didn't share them with anyone else - except occasionally my best friend (who has legitimate singing talent). A lot of the songs were written on separate pieces of paper, or torn out of journals and then rewritten in again at a later date, but I tried my best to recreate them and put them in a general order.

These are all from middle school and early high school. Some are just me being silly, and some are just being overly dramatic/maudlin, because I was a teenage girl trying to be emo and a songwriter, but others exactly pinpointed how I felt. Some of them even still ring true today.

What I think Heaven Will Be Like

Streets of red carpet lead me to his throne of gold

So many dreams on this silver lining that never get old

My eyes are blinded by his presence

So light, so bright, beautiful essence

Long white robes, with silver sashes

No one smokes here, no trays of ashes

Lavender flowers in my hair

Some people aren’t here – not fair!

But they got a chance

God gave them a gift

If they chose to ignore it

They won’t be lift (ed)

No psychics, freaks, or fortune tellers

No spirits, enemies, or soul sellers

Just the believers

Heaven

Untitled

I’ve been busy

Getting dizzy

All wound up

In the things of this world

I should be telling the Word

‘Til evil’s heard

But I’m bad

So make me a better girl

Change my body

Save my soul

Cleanse my mind

Get on a roll

Fix my life

Help my heart

Lend a hand

And do my part

Attitude adjustment

New testament

Lord, forgive me

I repent

I am free

Breathe

Back up

Break up

What’re you trying to do?

Smother me?

Leave me

Let me breathe

Inhale

Exhale

But you’re in my face

Like a plastic bag

You need a warning label

Keep out of reach from children

This product can cause suffocation

Handle with care

I need a breath of fresh air

For crying out loud

Let me loose

Cut off the leash

Let me go

Let me breathe

You

I’m only human

But I try

To do my best

I’m trusting You

To do the rest

Help me, please

For I am a mere mortal

And You are God

Today Ain’t Like Yesterday

Today ain’t like yesterday at all

Days creep by like school in the fall

The universe’s too big

And we are too small

Today ain’t like yesterday

Today ain’t like yesterday at all

Yesterday the day was full of fun

Yesterday we flew towards the sun

But today is cold and full of dread

And there’s a storm cloud in my head

So today ain’t like yesterday

Vision

A dream will die

No lie

If you don’t feed it

A dream will go

You know

If you don’t need it

Without vision

People perish

Day doesn’t dawn anew

Without vision

People perish

Smoke, flame, ash, too

A Lonely Song

All I ever say is “au revoir”

Sitting here strumming my guitar

All I ever say is “so long”

Singing a song

A lonely song

Mortal

I’m not supposed to feel

I’m not supposed to care

So why am I worrying?

I should be above this stuff

This human emotion

I’m better than this

I can’t possibly have

Stooped down so low

As to love you

Look what you’ve done to me

You’ve changed who I am

You took an uncaring person

And made me mortal

Maybe One Day

Maybe one day I’ll be a star

Maybe one day I’ll play guitar

Maybe one day I’ll go far

Maybe one day I’ll be who you are

But for now I guess I’m stuck being me

Maybe one day that’ll make me happy

Maybe one day I’ll be proud of myself

Maybe one day I’ll like the cards I’ve been dealt

But for now I guess I’m here

Sitting here, hoping that

Maybe that one day is near

From the Outside, Looking In

You’re on the outside, looking in

I’m on the inside, looking out

I don’t know how you perceive me

Can you tell me what this is about?

I can only see myself when I gaze in my mirror

While you can see me from a new perspective

You’re father away, maybe, not as near

But you can see me still, so tell me – I’m no detective

I may see myself one way

But does that show in what I say

How do you see me?

Tell me!

I don’t know what shows

From the outside, looking in…

A Stupid Mistake I’ll Make

Cosine theta times sine two beta is something I can take

But on the last line: two times nine – a stupid mistake I’ll make

A gourmet lunch, a buffet brunch is something I can bake

But I hate to boast, ‘cuz with toast – a stupid mistake I’ll make

Why? Oh why? I cry! I try!

I do my best, but on the rest

I’ll always make a stupid mistake

Instead of a smoothie I’ll make a shake

Instead of a pond I’ll call it a lake

Instead of asleep I’ll stay awake

Instead of a diamond I’ll buy a fake

Instead of a shovel I’ll grab a rake

Instead of the gas I’ll use the brake

Instead of some cookies I’ll make a cake

Instead of Jack I’ll call him Jake

A stupid mistake I’ll make

Purple Phone

I got a purple phone

And it sits all alone

On my table

Hey don’t get up to leave

C’mon you gotta believe

This ain’t a fable

Yeah, it’s true

I dyed it red and blue

And now it’s purple

Oh, oh, it’s purple

I got your number here

But I just can’t dial it

With my phone sitting there

Looking so violet

It’s screaming to me

“It’s not meant to be!

Don’t call Uncle Urple

‘Cuz I’m perfectly PURPLE!”

Try So Hard

Why do I try so hard?

Why do I care so much?

Why do I want this so bad?

When do I know when enough is enough?

This seed I planted years ago

Has decided to start to grow

But it’s taking over every part of me

I can’t have fun without feeling guilty

And this once-happy goal

Is taking over my soul

I’m at a crossroads here

After all these years

I’m sick of beating myself with my fist

I’m tired of being a perfectionist

I try too hard

I care too much

I want this too bad

Enough is enough

Raindrops

These are raindrops

Falling on my face

What do you mean it ain’t raining?

There’s rain all over the place

Can’t you see those dark clouds

Up high in the sky?

‘Cuz it ain’t me. I ain’t gunna cry.

These are God’s tears –

Not mine

So stop asking me how I am

I’m fine

Don’t tell me I’m a basketcase

These are just raindrops

Falling on my face

Momentary

Who I am now, who I am today

Might be different tomorrow

‘Cause each new day brings

New hope and new sorrow

Why can’t I just stop time

And claim this moment as mine?

My life speeds by so fast

The future becomes the past

It’s too quick to make any sense

Can’t I just seize life’s little moments

I don’t want to grow up

I don’t care what people say

I’m happy right now

So can’t I stay this way?

Bittersweet

I feel so elated

No longer second-rated

This is the highest I’ve ever been

But while I’m this high

I could fall from the sky

‘Cause what goes up

Must come down again

Take this moment of clarity

And add my harsh reality

Change a paradise to a parody

Even the best of times

Are bittersweet

Childhood Journal Excerpts - Ages 12-15

Today I'll be sharing some of the words I wrote during the fraught ages of 12 to 15.

-

01/08/01 (age 12)

I wish: I could meet NSYNC in person, I were skinnier, [a specific boy] would like me, I had bigger boobs, I had more wishes.

This is what makes me sad: Lots

This is what makes me angry: my brother

These things make me nervous: TESTS, performances/concerts, everything

This is what I do when I am moody: listen to music

This is what makes me jealous: friends, brother

These things scare me the most: tornadoes, fire

Things that I would NOT change about myself: I dunno… My blonde-ness?

Things that I can change about myself: Nothing! I’m hopeless!

 I just got a free plane ticket to my dream place. Where am I going: Hawaii and Paris, France.

 What different jobs would I like to try? Author/illustrator, interior designer, teacher, cartoonist, artist?, singer, actress

[This was a journal that had questions to fill out at the front. The above were my answers.]

02/10/01

We drove to St. Joe’s Mercy Hospital – the same place I was born in, just to rule out appendicitis for sure. We went to the pediatric urgent care, where about a million and five doctors and nurses talked to me. Finally, the main doctor came in. “Andrea, I’m pretty sure you have appendicitis, except that you’re hungry." (My stomach kept growling) ... I would’ve been scared out of my mind, besides the fact that they had given me fast-working calming medicine. (OK, I admit it, I was scared out of my wits, until I was in the waiting-to-go-into-surgery-room. Then I wasn’t so scared. I think God calmed me. By the time they gave me the medication, I really didn’t need it.)

05/09/01

Today I captured the [floppy] disk [two of my female friends] traded back and forth and [another friend] and I looked at it. Now we know the feeling is mutual. We both think the others are bitches, so why do we act like best friends in fifth and sixth hours? I guess “birds of a bitchy feather flock together,” huh?

[Yeah. That's right. We traded notes on FLOPPY DISKS to each other in middle school. Because we were awesome.]

01/21/02 (age 13)

I’ve been busy. But I should be busy for the Lord, not too busy to worship Him or read His Word. 

12/14/02

6 days until I’m 14! Yayful! High School rox! Ninth grade iz DA BOMB! Still no period. I currently don’t like anyone. I am SCARED about finals… they start one month from today!!! I have contacts. I want a perm. I’m like 130 pounds and I am SO HUGE. I hate my looks.

01/01/03 (age 14)

New Year’s Resolutions for 2003: 

1) “Whatever is good, noble, pure, think about such things.” – God can see your thoughts. Would he like them? 

2) “Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7 – Don’t worry! Guys like you. But would you be allowed to date them anyway? No. Chill. Your period’s going to come. (Why do you want it so bad?) Do your best… God will do the rest. You’re not going to fail finals, get into a bad college, etc. 

3) Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are not: stupid, fat, ugly, a failure, bad. Everybody doesn’t hate you. God loves you – so why can’t you love yourself? 

4) Remember – do onto others as you would like done onto you. This includes: your brother, your friends, your enemies. Try to like people you don’t currently like. 

5) Get a job. 

6) Exercise. 

7) WITNESS to others. 

They say you should pick one and stick to it, but life’s an ongoing process, right? 

I will never, ever, ever partake in drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, pre-marital sex, and parties at which the above are being partook in by others. I will save my body for my future husband. I will keep my mind and body pure. I will try to act as Jesus would.

05/27/03

I’m mad at [my friend] ‘cause she says she’s too stressed out about her whole parents-getting-divorced-ordeal-thing that she’s QUITTING softball. But then, I can’t be mad at her, ya know? I need to be sympathetic and supportive, but I don’t know how to do that?! Wah! What can I do? What should I do? And meanwhile, I have homework, and finals, and softball, and my dad’s job/our family’s money problems to worry about! Not like it is my problem, but she’s my BFF, so it kinda is my problem, ya know? I’m just confused.

10/05/03

Even though I’m spending sophomore year eating lunch with my Pre-Calc book instead of my friends, they won’t forget me. On Wednesday, we had a half day, so we all went to [a friend]’s house and hung out. My friends won’t forget about me just because they don’t see me in school anymore. I was silly to worry. In fact, minus my scary math teacher and a lonely 40 minutes with me and my lunch bag, this year might not be so terrible after all. If only I could take gym in the summer…

01/04/04 (age 15)

Is it over yet?

Stress stress stress keep there not cool go away

So much to do

I don’t want to do it

No!

Am I ugly?

Am I too shy?

Why does no one like me?

How can I become more outgoing?

How can I be better at making new friends?

Too bad they don’t teach that stuff in a class…

03/04

I’m not perfect. I’ll never be perfect. But try telling my brain that. I’ve been told all my years that I’m capable; I can be anything I want to be. So I have to be everything I can be. That’s what I’m capable of. Anything less is disappointment. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. Then I would fail. And that proves I’m not perfect or I’m below what I’m capable of. And I’m on this high road from a young age and all the adults do is compliment you and so I’m on this high road and the only thing I can do is go down. And fail. But I’m scared to fail. Then I’m not perfect. Impossible. And I can’t get a boyfriend because 1.) I’m too shy and 2.) I don’t have time for one. I’m too shy because I’m scared of saying something that would make me seem imperfect. Again, I fail. It’s just better to keep my mouth shut. I don’t have time because I’m too busy overachieving – that’s what I’m capable of, so I have to do it. Oh yeah, and 3.) Nobody likes me. But I attribute the whole no-asking-out thing to my shyness again. Because I’ve been told my whole life that I am beautiful, that people would die for my hair thickness and color, and that I’m pretty. I believe it. And whenever I have a zit or my hair looks bad, or my eyes are red, or my face looks tired, again, I fail. I’m a failing fool. Just failing. Over and over.

06/20/04

Wow. Time flies, doesn’t it? I can remember turning 10 and thinking it was a huge deal to turn a double digit. I never thought I’d be 13 – it was too far off. Then I became a teenager, blah blah blah. Now I’m learning to drive. DRIVE. A thing, a monumental thing, landmark thing in a person’s life, right up there with first boyfriend (still waiting), being able to vote, going to college, etc. No wonder I was nervous that first day of driving. It’s not like I crashed or almost did, but I still thought my driving skills were less-than-adequate. The perfectionist in me was upset. I cried. Right there in front of [the driving instructor] and my brother and the other driver. Me, who shows no emotion in public! AARGH! 

I’m a JUNIOR! Time flies… I can remember starting high school like it was yesterday. The excitement. The nerves. OMG. There’s three of them. High schools. They are SO BIG. I’m in HIGH SCHOOL! I’m all grown up! Ha. Now I’m already halfway through high school! Is the glass half empty or half full? Sometimes, most of the time, I think OMG, when is the future going to come already? But then there’s times like these when you think OMG, I’m not ready. I’m 15, and I think I’m cool, and I’m ready for the future, and college, and a job. But I’m NOT! I’m pathetic! It’s a crisis if my fave TV show collides with my part time job. I can’t get a boyfriend. And I’m sitting here rambling when I should be asleep. I don’t know. I’m confused again. What was I talking about? Time flying, I suppose. Well, it does. I should get over it. Time’s not just going to stop or slow down because I’m not ready.

07/04

I wish my life were a remote control. Things going too fast? Slow-motion, or even pause. Take a 24 hour nap, then resume play. Or rewind to do a day or two over and fix your mistakes. Fast-forward if [a teacher] is lecturing again. What? Second hour’s over already? Wanna scream? Volume up. Don’t wanna be heard? Mute. Change your appearance? Move up a channel, go back to previous. Wanna be someone else? Record their life for a day. Zoom in. But if you look fat, go back to standard. Just never hit that big red power button. Don’t end your life! You can stop for a time to collect your thoughts or unwind. But never say power off. It probably won’t turn on again.

11/04

It’s a bittersweet moment knowing that this is as good as it’s gunna get. It’ll all come down soon. I’m glad, so glad, for all the fun I’ve had but also I’m sad, so sad, because there’s only one more week and then Our Town is over. Can’t we suspend this moment? Can’t I relive this life over and over again? I don’t want life to continue. Can’t it just stop for a moment? Can’t I just breathe? Can’t I keep doing this and having fun before reality comes back to stay? I wanna suspend this moment in time…

[I had a bit part in the high school production of Our Town. Drama club always swept me off my feet and gave me a bit of escape for awhile.]

-

Alright, that's enough journal sharing. These are most interesting to me, I'm sure, and perhaps mildly interesting to people who know me. But what are perfect strangers going to read this stuff for?

I did write a lot of little poems/song lyrics in my journals too, and I intend to post those tomorrow. But after that I'm done. Honest.

If I could go back in time, I would tell my middle school/high school self to:

1. Relax.

2. (As I said in yesterday's post:) Stop acting like I was anxious/worried about stuff just because I thought I was supposed to; because that's what teenagers did. Pretending to be concerned about my weight or my looks or grades or anything else just turned into REAL worries, and I think if I had only worried when I was legitimately worried anyway instead of talking myself *into* being worried about things, I might have been a bit happier.

3. Stop caring about what other people think, or trying to act like other people do in an effort to "fit in." I didn't do as much of this as a lot of my classmates probably did - mainly because I was too shy to do much - but I certainly did it in my head, where I'd be so worried about fitting in and I what I wasn't doing to facilitate that that I'd get myself all worked up.

4. Think about Christianity and God more critically. I did this at the end of high school anyway (see this previous post), but I certainly could have done it even earlier if I'd been willing to have an open mind.