The same goes for me. "I am entitled to receiving care and understanding when I'm going through a difficult time" does not mean "I am entitled to receiving care and understanding from this specific person." People can make their own choices about how they interact with me, just as I can make my own choices about how to interact with them. But if I don't like the interaction, and it is not a positive in my life, I am allowed to abandon it. I am allowed to seek out other people who will give me what I need. And others are allowed to get frustrated with me, if my interactions with them are not what they are looking for; they are allowed to look elsewhere for the solutions they need or the answers they want to hear.
People are allowed to form their own opinions about me. I can't control what others think. However, I do not have to listen to someone's negative opinions about me if I don't want to. I can choose whose opinions I agree with or give merit to. I can choose what sort of people I let into my life.
I often care too much about other's opinions, trying to cater to everyone else's emotions or preferences over my own. Even when I can't know how someone really feels, or what someone prefers, I try to guess and cater to what I think they want. This bad habit is what I am trying to combat with the bullet points of taking up physical space in the world, verbal space (speaking up), and space on social media, as well as my statement about being entitled to drive how I want to drive, or use the bathroom when I need to.
I am allowed to take up physical space - with my body, with my car on the road, and with my property. I am also allowed to speak up and say what I want to say, without worrying what others might think of me. Sometimes I convince myself not to share, even if I secretly want to, because it feels presumptuous to assume that others will want to hear what I have to say. I especially curb what I say or write if I'm worried that it might offend someone. On social media, I worry that if I post a lot, it would be annoying - and I don't want to be annoying. But I am entitled to share what I want to share - both in content and frequency, both in social media and in person. People can decide for themselves if they want to pay attention or engage with what I'm sharing; it is just as presumptuous of me to make that decision for them by choosing not to share something when I want to.
As for driving - I have in the past found myself caring too much about what other drivers on the road might think of me or want me to do. I sometimes feel pressured to drive or turn faster than I want to, just from the presence of a car behind me. They don't have to be tailgating me, they just have to be there. I imagine that they might want to drive faster, or that they are growing impatient with me waiting for an opening to turn, and so I change my behaviors to act more like how I think they want me to act. I even feel bad sometimes if I have a green light at an intersection where several other cars are stopped at a red light; I feel that they deserve a green light more than I do. These bad habits and negative thought patterns - the constant worry of "but what do others want me to do right now?" - are what I'm addressing when I assert "I am entitled to drive how I want to drive." I'm not saying I'm above driving laws and that I can drive however I want; I am saying only that I am entitled to make the little decisions that we all make every time we drive with my own preferences in mind, rather than trying to cater to what I think other's preferences might be. I am allowed to slow down to make a turn, or to wait for the opening that I want before turning or changing lanes. I am allowed to pass someone, or to not pass someone, as I want to. My car is allowed to take up physical space on the road - I don't need to feel guilty going through a green light, just because there are others who want their light to be green right now but don't have one. I am allowed to be there; I am allowed to drive.
I have also been known to worry about what others might think of me if I use the bathroom "too often." I once read a piece (probably on the internet somewhere, but I can't find it now) about how men listen to their body's needs more than women do - if they need to pee, they go to the bathroom; if they're hungry, they get some food and eat; if they're thirsty, they drink some water. It doesn't occur to them to wonder if they might be "allowed" to, or what others might think of them if they do - but even if they did wonder, it wouldn't matter. If their body needs something, they will go for it, because having their needs met is more important than what judgments anyone else might make.
Now, I'm sure that's a gross generalization - some men will struggle to prioritize their body's needs and instead put other's opinions (or perceived opinions) first. But I do believe, from personal experience if nothing else, that women are probably more likely to fall into this trap. I've seen women refuse to grab themselves a snack even while their stomachs are audibly growling, unless or until they are absolutely sure that they're "allowed" to, that they won't be spoiling their appetites for future meals that might be planned, and that their food eating won't offend anyone who might witness it; when they do finally give in and go into the kitchen, they ask if anyone else wants anything as well. (I am often one of those women myself.) Meanwhile, I've seen men make themselves a snack when someone is in the middle of preparing them dinner - not once stopping to worry if the food preparer might be offended by his apparent impatience, and without asking around to see if anyone else might also be hungry.
I'm not against the idea of being aware of my surroundings, taking a moment to see if what I'm about to do is appropriate, or trying to anticipate what others might need - but I definitely tend to overdo all of those things, to the point where I deny myself what I need if I think there's even a chance that I might offend or annoy someone, or draw "unwarranted" attention to myself. Yet, I am an adult, I am a human, I am alive. I have needs that have to be met, and if I don't prioritize them, who else will? If I'm hungry, I am allowed to eat. And if I need to use the bathroom, I am entitled to use the bathroom.
I am allowed to care for myself. I am also allowed to accept help from others. I do not have to feel unworthy if someone does something nice for me. That was their choice, their prerogative. I don't have to feel bad, guilty, or undeserving of unexpected nice gestures, gifts, or compliments - or even just common decency and respect. What's more, I don't owe anything in return to those who choose to give them to me. Other people get to decide what they want (even if that decision is doing something genuinely nice to me), and I get to decide what I want (even if that is rejecting their kindness, or accepting their kindness but rejecting them). I don't owe anybody anything, for any reason.
***
None of those bullet points should be items of contention. No one should have a problem with anyone, regardless of how that person looks or what they do or what family they come from, standing up and saying any one of those points - aloud and assertively.
But there are people who have a problem with it.
There are people who insist that only some feelings are valid and that others are unacceptable or inappropriate, especially when demonstrated by specific groups (e.g. masculine men).
There are people who insist on being in charge of other's decisions - people who get bent out of shape when someone deigns to voice an opinion different than theirs, or make choices different than the choices they want the person to make.
There are people who insist that their discomfort seeing something they don't want to see (e.g. a man acting effeminately, or two women getting married, or a breastfeeding mother, or a young person dying their hair blue, or a large person wearing form-fitting fashion) is more important than anyone else's discomfort in not getting to make the choices they want to make for their lives.
There are people who insist that when a man takes a woman out on a date, she owes him certain favors in return.
There are people who insist that only some are entitled to fair compensation for their work - and others are not worth even a living wage.
There are people who insist that some people are more entitled to use the bathroom - or at least, certain bathrooms - than others, and people who insist that entire races of people should be denied working public water fountains just because of the color of their skin.
There are people who insist that only those with the money to afford it should be granted the "privilege" of living in the city they want to live in, or receiving medical care during times of physical need, or being allowed to eat when they are hungry.
There are people who would read my list and snort at me derisively, calling my entire generation "entitled" - as if "entitled" were a bad word.
As if that list of reminders I've created for myself in an effort to convince myself of their certainty is a pandemic that needs to be cured.
As if these meager assertions of self-worth have always lived easily and selfishly in my soul, and were not hard-won through years of journaling and contemplation and therapy and internal debate.
As if I need to be reminded instead that I am NOT entitled - that I am less-than, that I am nothing.
To those people, I reassert: I am entitled. It is not an insult. I'm entitled to life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness - same as everyone else.
People who disagree with that assertion tend to agree with the first part of that sentence - "I'm entitled to life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness" - as it applies to them. It is the expanding of entitlements to other people that they have a problem with. They think certain groups of people are different than people like them - and entitlements like the ones I listed do not belong to them all.
They do. These entitlements belong to everyone. And these entitlements belong to me.
