I often feel like I'm part of (or trying to be a part of) a long-standing creative legacy. This isn't always a good or easy legacy; there are stereotypes of the "starving artist" and well-known connections between artists and mental health problems, which I'm definitely aware of, often fascinated by, and occasionally worry about (with regards to how such traditions might impact me, how others label me, or the work I create).
But besides the broad legacy of all creative people throughout time and the Western tradition of art and writing, there's also a more personal creative legacy - that of my family.
Like many things, it's hard to tell if it's nature or nurture that might encourage traits like creativity to run in families. Do we like art and writing because of some genetic programing passed down through our families? Or do we like such things because these activities were modeled for us (consciously or not), or because our families encouraged us to read or explore art?
In the case of my family, there isn't a clear person I looked to. None of my relatives have made a living off creating art or writing stories; those who are creative pursued such interests as hobbies rather than their professions. Still, I feel like there are enough people in my family who have such interests that it's worth noting.
My dad currently works as a manager at a print center for DTE Energy in Detroit, but has also held jobs in computer networking. He likes computer hardware and has been known to build computers from scratch. Growing up, he loved photography (this was before the age of digital photography, so we're talking film and darkroom techniques), and did some drawing in his spare time. My grandma tells stories of him holed up in his bedroom listening to The Beatles and practicing drawing portraits. And he also enjoys making videos - photography slide shows and training videos conveying information, both for work and at home.
My mom also had some creative hobbies growing up. She did a lot of sewing and embroidering and has shown me samples of some of the things she made as a teenager.
Perhaps the most obvious example is my grandma (on my dad's side), who over the years has found hobbies in writing poetry, coloring books, sewing, and painting. She has also kept handwritten journals for years (as I do), writing daily.
I also have crafty aunts - one who learned guitar and sings songs and puts on puppet shows for the kids at her church (and who did many craft projects with me and my cousins over the years, including a memorable "Egyptian pharaoh" costume that we created with metallic fabric and painted pistachio shells), and another who is into stamping and paper work, designing and stamping her own Christmas cards every year. These are not blood relatives, but are further examples of how I was encouraged to be creative when I was growing up.
Continuing to look toward relatives not related to me by blood, my husband's family also has some artists. His late great-uncle was a painter (we have a few of his paintings hanging in our house). Even my husband himself is creative - in college, we often spent time writing song parodies, funny Harry Potter-inspired rap lyrics, and exchanging short stories we'd written.
Looking at these examples often does two things for me -
First, it makes me pretty proud that I get to be a part of this creative tradition in my family - and also validates my experience. Theoretically I would be happy acknowledging my artistic or writing inclinations even if no one in my family ever shared similar interests, but because they do I feel like it's okay that I do, too - that indeed I'm meant to like such things, or perhaps have a natural talent for them.
Secondly, it makes me wonder if I'm putting too much significance on my creativity. If it's so common that several of my family members have pursued creative projects as hobbies, then why do I think I'm special? None of them have felt compelled to make their creative interests into a viable career. Am I only kidding myself in thinking that I could actually make money as an artist or a writer? Am I better off keeping my art and writing to myself, as most of my other relatives have done? Or do I just have such doubts because none of my relatives have tried to cultivate their hobbies into careers - and thus have no example to follow, no person to model myself after or pick her or his brain for advice?
I feel like I am often torn between such seemingly contradictory feelings. High self-esteem and low self-esteem. Which one is truer to my real feelings? Am I not so deep or despairing as I think, and only "activate" my low self-esteem so that I feel like I belong with all the artists and writers before me who have suffered with issues in confidence - or because, as a woman, I've been conditioned to downplay success, put others first, and think of certain aspirations as outside of my talents or outside of my reach? Or am I actually more inclined to my anxieties and doubts, and only developed what little (or well-hidden) belief in myself that I do have as a way to compensate for the not-so-great feelings of constantly questioning if I'm "good enough"?
Does it matter which came first? I suspect everyone goes through such fluctuations at different times in their lives - thinking, for example, that they're good enough at art or writing that they might make a career out of it and that such a goal is worth pursuing while also wondering if they're insane for even trying. Perhaps creative people have such fluctuations more often - or anyone else who works in a professional field where so much rides on what critics say and who you can convince to like and purchase your work. Actors. Writers. Musicians. Chefs. Entrepreneurs. There are a lot of unstable jobs out there where you don't always know when your next paycheck is coming - and without that immediate, predictable, and stable monetary validation, it can be hard to balance confidence levels. You have to believe in yourself and your projects - so that you work on them and make it to the next paycheck - but such continual efforts to prove yourself and the worth of your work is also bound to take its toll on self-esteem.
In any case, I am very lucky that I have a family who supports me while I try to figure this creativity thing out. I don't take their support lightly, and am immensely grateful. :)
But besides the broad legacy of all creative people throughout time and the Western tradition of art and writing, there's also a more personal creative legacy - that of my family.
Like many things, it's hard to tell if it's nature or nurture that might encourage traits like creativity to run in families. Do we like art and writing because of some genetic programing passed down through our families? Or do we like such things because these activities were modeled for us (consciously or not), or because our families encouraged us to read or explore art?
In the case of my family, there isn't a clear person I looked to. None of my relatives have made a living off creating art or writing stories; those who are creative pursued such interests as hobbies rather than their professions. Still, I feel like there are enough people in my family who have such interests that it's worth noting.
My dad currently works as a manager at a print center for DTE Energy in Detroit, but has also held jobs in computer networking. He likes computer hardware and has been known to build computers from scratch. Growing up, he loved photography (this was before the age of digital photography, so we're talking film and darkroom techniques), and did some drawing in his spare time. My grandma tells stories of him holed up in his bedroom listening to The Beatles and practicing drawing portraits. And he also enjoys making videos - photography slide shows and training videos conveying information, both for work and at home.
My mom also had some creative hobbies growing up. She did a lot of sewing and embroidering and has shown me samples of some of the things she made as a teenager.
Perhaps the most obvious example is my grandma (on my dad's side), who over the years has found hobbies in writing poetry, coloring books, sewing, and painting. She has also kept handwritten journals for years (as I do), writing daily.
I also have crafty aunts - one who learned guitar and sings songs and puts on puppet shows for the kids at her church (and who did many craft projects with me and my cousins over the years, including a memorable "Egyptian pharaoh" costume that we created with metallic fabric and painted pistachio shells), and another who is into stamping and paper work, designing and stamping her own Christmas cards every year. These are not blood relatives, but are further examples of how I was encouraged to be creative when I was growing up.
Continuing to look toward relatives not related to me by blood, my husband's family also has some artists. His late great-uncle was a painter (we have a few of his paintings hanging in our house). Even my husband himself is creative - in college, we often spent time writing song parodies, funny Harry Potter-inspired rap lyrics, and exchanging short stories we'd written.
Looking at these examples often does two things for me -
First, it makes me pretty proud that I get to be a part of this creative tradition in my family - and also validates my experience. Theoretically I would be happy acknowledging my artistic or writing inclinations even if no one in my family ever shared similar interests, but because they do I feel like it's okay that I do, too - that indeed I'm meant to like such things, or perhaps have a natural talent for them.
Secondly, it makes me wonder if I'm putting too much significance on my creativity. If it's so common that several of my family members have pursued creative projects as hobbies, then why do I think I'm special? None of them have felt compelled to make their creative interests into a viable career. Am I only kidding myself in thinking that I could actually make money as an artist or a writer? Am I better off keeping my art and writing to myself, as most of my other relatives have done? Or do I just have such doubts because none of my relatives have tried to cultivate their hobbies into careers - and thus have no example to follow, no person to model myself after or pick her or his brain for advice?
I feel like I am often torn between such seemingly contradictory feelings. High self-esteem and low self-esteem. Which one is truer to my real feelings? Am I not so deep or despairing as I think, and only "activate" my low self-esteem so that I feel like I belong with all the artists and writers before me who have suffered with issues in confidence - or because, as a woman, I've been conditioned to downplay success, put others first, and think of certain aspirations as outside of my talents or outside of my reach? Or am I actually more inclined to my anxieties and doubts, and only developed what little (or well-hidden) belief in myself that I do have as a way to compensate for the not-so-great feelings of constantly questioning if I'm "good enough"?
Does it matter which came first? I suspect everyone goes through such fluctuations at different times in their lives - thinking, for example, that they're good enough at art or writing that they might make a career out of it and that such a goal is worth pursuing while also wondering if they're insane for even trying. Perhaps creative people have such fluctuations more often - or anyone else who works in a professional field where so much rides on what critics say and who you can convince to like and purchase your work. Actors. Writers. Musicians. Chefs. Entrepreneurs. There are a lot of unstable jobs out there where you don't always know when your next paycheck is coming - and without that immediate, predictable, and stable monetary validation, it can be hard to balance confidence levels. You have to believe in yourself and your projects - so that you work on them and make it to the next paycheck - but such continual efforts to prove yourself and the worth of your work is also bound to take its toll on self-esteem.
In any case, I am very lucky that I have a family who supports me while I try to figure this creativity thing out. I don't take their support lightly, and am immensely grateful. :)
