Today I'll be sharing some of the words I wrote during the fraught ages of 12 to 15.
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01/08/01 (age 12)
I wish: I could meet NSYNC in person, I were skinnier, [a specific boy] would like me, I had bigger boobs, I had more wishes.
This is what makes me sad: Lots
This is what makes me angry: my brother
These things make me nervous: TESTS, performances/concerts, everything
This is what I do when I am moody: listen to music
This is what makes me jealous: friends, brother
These things scare me the most: tornadoes, fire
Things that I would NOT change about myself: I dunno… My blonde-ness?
Things that I can change about myself: Nothing! I’m hopeless!
[This was a journal that had questions to fill out at the front. The above were my answers.]
02/10/01
We drove to St. Joe’s Mercy Hospital – the same place I was born in, just to rule out appendicitis for sure. We went to the pediatric urgent care, where about a million and five doctors and nurses talked to me. Finally, the main doctor came in. “Andrea, I’m pretty sure you have appendicitis, except that you’re hungry." (My stomach kept growling) ... I would’ve been scared out of my mind, besides the fact that they had given me fast-working calming medicine. (OK, I admit it, I was scared out of my wits, until I was in the waiting-to-go-into-surgery-room. Then I wasn’t so scared. I think God calmed me. By the time they gave me the medication, I really didn’t need it.)
05/09/01
Today I captured the [floppy] disk [two of my female friends] traded back and forth and [another friend] and I looked at it. Now we know the feeling is mutual. We both think the others are bitches, so why do we act like best friends in fifth and sixth hours? I guess “birds of a bitchy feather flock together,” huh?
[Yeah. That's right. We traded notes on FLOPPY DISKS to each other in middle school. Because we were awesome.]
01/21/02 (age 13)
I’ve been busy. But I should be busy for the Lord, not too busy to worship Him or read His Word.
12/14/02
6 days until I’m 14! Yayful! High School rox! Ninth grade iz DA BOMB! Still no period. I currently don’t like anyone. I am SCARED about finals… they start one month from today!!! I have contacts. I want a perm. I’m like 130 pounds and I am SO HUGE. I hate my looks.
01/01/03 (age 14)
New Year’s Resolutions for 2003:
1) “Whatever is good, noble, pure, think about such things.” – God can see your thoughts. Would he like them?
2) “Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7 – Don’t worry! Guys like you. But would you be allowed to date them anyway? No. Chill. Your period’s going to come. (Why do you want it so bad?) Do your best… God will do the rest. You’re not going to fail finals, get into a bad college, etc.
3) Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are not: stupid, fat, ugly, a failure, bad. Everybody doesn’t hate you. God loves you – so why can’t you love yourself?
4) Remember – do onto others as you would like done onto you. This includes: your brother, your friends, your enemies. Try to like people you don’t currently like.
5) Get a job.
6) Exercise.
7) WITNESS to others.
They say you should pick one and stick to it, but life’s an ongoing process, right?
I will never, ever, ever partake in drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, pre-marital sex, and parties at which the above are being partook in by others. I will save my body for my future husband. I will keep my mind and body pure. I will try to act as Jesus would.
05/27/03
I’m mad at [my friend] ‘cause she says she’s too stressed out about her whole parents-getting-divorced-ordeal-thing that she’s QUITTING softball. But then, I can’t be mad at her, ya know? I need to be sympathetic and supportive, but I don’t know how to do that?! Wah! What can I do? What should I do? And meanwhile, I have homework, and finals, and softball, and my dad’s job/our family’s money problems to worry about! Not like it is my problem, but she’s my BFF, so it kinda is my problem, ya know? I’m just confused.
10/05/03
Even though I’m spending sophomore year eating
lunch with my Pre-Calc book instead of my friends, they won’t forget me. On Wednesday, we
had a half day, so we all went to [a friend]’s house and hung out. My friends won’t forget about me
just because they don’t see me in school anymore. I was silly to worry. In
fact, minus my scary math teacher and a lonely 40 minutes with me and my lunch
bag, this year might not be so terrible after all. If only I could take gym in
the summer…
01/04/04 (age 15)
Is it over yet?
Stress stress stress keep there not cool go away
So much to do
I don’t want to do it
No!
Am I ugly?
Am I too shy?
Why does no one like me?
How can I become more outgoing?
How can I be better at making new friends?
Too bad they don’t teach that stuff in a class…
03/04
I’m not perfect. I’ll never be perfect. But try telling my
brain that. I’ve been told all my years that I’m capable; I can be anything I
want to be. So I have to be everything I can be. That’s what I’m capable of.
Anything less is disappointment. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. Then I
would fail. And that proves I’m not perfect or I’m below what I’m capable of.
And I’m on this high road from a young age and all the adults do is compliment
you and so I’m on this high road and the only thing I can do is go down. And
fail. But I’m scared to fail. Then I’m not perfect. Impossible. And I can’t get a boyfriend because 1.) I’m too shy and 2.)
I don’t have time for one. I’m too shy because I’m scared of saying something
that would make me seem imperfect. Again, I fail. It’s just better to keep my
mouth shut. I don’t have time because I’m too busy overachieving – that’s what
I’m capable of, so I have to do it. Oh yeah, and 3.) Nobody likes me. But I
attribute the whole no-asking-out thing to my shyness again. Because I’ve been
told my whole life that I am beautiful, that people would die for my hair
thickness and color, and that I’m pretty. I believe it. And whenever I have a
zit or my hair looks bad, or my eyes are red, or my face looks tired, again, I
fail. I’m a failing fool. Just failing. Over and over.
06/20/04
Wow. Time flies, doesn’t it? I can remember
turning 10 and thinking it was a huge deal to turn a double digit. I never
thought I’d be 13 – it was too far off. Then I became a teenager, blah blah
blah. Now I’m learning to drive.
DRIVE. A thing, a monumental thing, landmark thing in a person’s life, right up
there with first boyfriend (still waiting), being able to vote, going to
college, etc. No wonder I was nervous that first day of driving. It’s not like
I crashed or almost did, but I still thought my driving skills were
less-than-adequate. The perfectionist in me was upset. I cried. Right there in front of [the driving instructor] and my brother and the
other driver. Me, who shows no emotion in public! AARGH!
I’m a JUNIOR! Time flies… I can remember
starting high school like it was yesterday. The excitement. The nerves. OMG.
There’s three of them. High schools. They are SO BIG. I’m in HIGH SCHOOL! I’m
all grown up! Ha. Now I’m already halfway through high school! Is the glass
half empty or half full? Sometimes, most of the time, I think OMG, when is the
future going to come already? But
then there’s times like these when you think OMG, I’m not ready. I’m 15, and I
think I’m cool, and I’m ready for the future, and college, and a job. But I’m
NOT! I’m pathetic! It’s a crisis if my fave TV show collides with my part time
job. I can’t get a boyfriend. And I’m sitting here rambling when I
should be asleep. I don’t know. I’m confused again. What was I talking about?
Time flying, I suppose. Well, it does. I should get over it. Time’s not just
going to stop or slow down because I’m not ready.
07/04
I wish my life were a remote control. Things going too fast?
Slow-motion, or even pause. Take a 24 hour nap, then resume play. Or rewind to
do a day or two over and fix your mistakes. Fast-forward if [a teacher] is lecturing again. What? Second hour’s over already? Wanna scream? Volume up.
Don’t wanna be heard? Mute. Change your appearance? Move up a channel, go back
to previous. Wanna be someone else? Record their life for a day. Zoom in. But
if you look fat, go back to standard. Just never hit that big red power button.
Don’t end your life! You can stop for a time to collect your thoughts or unwind. But
never say power off. It probably won’t turn on again.
11/04
It’s a bittersweet moment knowing that this is as good as
it’s gunna get. It’ll all come down soon. I’m glad, so glad, for all the fun
I’ve had but also I’m sad, so sad, because there’s only one more week and then
Our Town is over. Can’t we suspend this moment? Can’t I relive this life over
and over again? I don’t want life to continue. Can’t it just stop for a moment?
Can’t I just breathe? Can’t I keep doing this and having fun before reality
comes back to stay? I wanna suspend this moment in time…
[I had a bit part in the high school production of Our Town. Drama club always swept me off my feet and gave me a bit of escape for awhile.]
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Alright, that's enough journal sharing. These are most interesting to me, I'm sure, and perhaps mildly interesting to people who know me. But what are perfect strangers going to read this stuff for?
I did write a lot of little poems/song lyrics in my journals too, and I intend to post those tomorrow. But after that I'm done. Honest.
If I could go back in time, I would tell my middle school/high school self to:
1. Relax.
2. (As I said in yesterday's post:) Stop acting like I was anxious/worried about stuff just because I thought I was supposed to; because that's what teenagers did. Pretending to be concerned about my weight or my looks or grades or anything else just turned into REAL worries, and I think if I had only worried when I was legitimately worried anyway instead of talking myself *into* being worried about things, I might have been a bit happier.
3. Stop caring about what other people think, or trying to act like other people do in an effort to "fit in." I didn't do as much of this as a lot of my classmates probably did - mainly because I was too shy to do much - but I certainly did it in my head, where I'd be so worried about fitting in and I what I wasn't doing to facilitate that that I'd get myself all worked up.
4. Think about Christianity and God more critically. I did this at the end of high school anyway (see this previous post), but I certainly could have done it even earlier if I'd been willing to have an open mind.
If I could go back in time, I would tell my middle school/high school self to:
1. Relax.
2. (As I said in yesterday's post:) Stop acting like I was anxious/worried about stuff just because I thought I was supposed to; because that's what teenagers did. Pretending to be concerned about my weight or my looks or grades or anything else just turned into REAL worries, and I think if I had only worried when I was legitimately worried anyway instead of talking myself *into* being worried about things, I might have been a bit happier.
3. Stop caring about what other people think, or trying to act like other people do in an effort to "fit in." I didn't do as much of this as a lot of my classmates probably did - mainly because I was too shy to do much - but I certainly did it in my head, where I'd be so worried about fitting in and I what I wasn't doing to facilitate that that I'd get myself all worked up.
4. Think about Christianity and God more critically. I did this at the end of high school anyway (see this previous post), but I certainly could have done it even earlier if I'd been willing to have an open mind.
