Childhood Journal Excerpts - Ages 8-11

As I said yesterday, for the next couple of posts, I'm going to share a sampling of some of the words I've written throughout the years.

Below are (selected) entries from ages 8-11, in which I measured my self-worth based on my looks, weight, sexual development, clothing, material possessions, what boys thought of me, physical health, grades, and devotion to God (and fell short in every category).

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12/14/97 (age 8)

Well, five days ‘til my birthday party and my throat is sore, my nose is stuffed up and I’m mad at my body for causing these problems

04/18/98 (age 9)

God, so much has changed. Me for one thing. I swear now. I can’t help it. Went to a rummage sale. Got lots of things. So did my crappy brother – oops. Told you I swear. Sorry, but I don’t really want to ever write in you again. Bye forever.

09/07/98

I got a TV! For 25 dollars! So now, like in the song “Part of This World” in “The Little Mermaid,” “I have everything.” Phone, TV, and bunk beds. COOL.

09/25/98

I feel… young. My best friend is getting a bra. And [another friend] already had her first period. I know I’m the youngest in my class, but still. I feel like I’m young. Really young. Every fifth grade girl is wearing a bra. Well, at least in my class. But I don’t need one yet. And I haven’t had my period. Oh well, sometimes you’re younger than you think.

10/18/98

I’m depressed. I’m not supposed to be writing this. I’m in my room, being punished. So bye, I guess.

11/19/98

I’m getting a BRA! Yes! Now I won’t feel as young! I can’t wait ‘til I get it! A BRA! Finally!

01/01/99 (age 10)

Happy New Year! [My friend] slept over on New Year's Eve. She has a boyfriend. They’ve kissed on the lips before! He gave her a $24.99, 24 karat gold heart necklace. Whoa! They are only in the fifth grade. She is almost 11. Way too young.

[I guess I thought $24.99 was really expensive??]

03/12/99 

Today we saw the human development video. They gave us two pads (with wings), deodorant, Crest toothpaste, 3 shampoo packets, tablets for teeth, and two small booklets. According to one of the booklets, about two years after you start growing breasts you’ll start having periods. I’ve been growing maybe… oh, since July. About 8 months. So I have about 1 year and 4 months until I start my period. I’ll start near July 2000.

[In reality it was April 2003]

12/23/99 (age 11)

I want to love someone, but I just DON’T! Hmmmmm. [A friend] told [a boy] that she loves him. She kissed his cheek. I think about boys in general, not certain boys. I wish the boys would just grow up. [A different boy] got [a different girl] an $80.00 necklace! Solid silver chain! Wow!

[Apparently I was obsessed with how much jewelry cost?]

01/03/00

It feels weird to write 2000. I can’t believe it really is. Y2K – no problems, thank the Lord. Everyone was soooo worried. Why? Just to have nothing happen?

03/17/00

Dance today. Saw [a boy] dancing with [a girl]. No one asked me to dance. I don’t know what I’d say if they did, but I was hoping SOMEONE would. I just want to fit in. Feel loved – by someone OTHER than my pals and family. You, know, like a BOY! I knew [the aforementioned boy] hearted “her.” I just, I don’t know, thought that somehow he’d see me differently today. But no. I’m not mad. Just disappointed. Not in him. In me. Maybe someone out there does like me. I’ll hope.

04/14/00

I don’t cry when I’m injured. I don’t cry often. But today I’m a basket-case. In Social Studies right this minute I have a C. I almost cried. Grades are important to me. At least I have an A in Science. Still 8 weeks to go. I can bring it up. I hope. Being a teen is hard work, N’book. You have to worry about so many things – friends, boys, family, school, my fat belly. N’book, I weigh 100 lbs. and I am only 11. My thighs are huge! And also, I want bigger breasts.

[The "N'book" nickname came from The California Diaries book series, where Maggie, an anorexic thirteen year old, wrote in her journal about weighing too much and called her journal "N'book." I mimicked it because I thought it was cool.]

04/21/00

I have a thing with backwards lately. Maybe because my life is backwards. And inside out and upside down. Chaotic, yet calm. Rowdy, yet sensitive. Loud, yet quiet. Funny, yet serious. Moody, yet peaceful. Creative, athletic, intelligent. I’m smart, artsy, athletic. Overall, a good person. A + for being friendly. I’m a student, sister, classmate, friend, teammate, cousin, girl, artist, writer and Christian. I do my best. At least I try. But do I try hard enough?

05/03/00

I am bloated! Enormous. And I have no self-control. Tonight I ate an ice cream sandwich AND three Oreo cookies. Do you know how much fat is in those? Too much. P. S. My new motto is eat to live, not live to eat. Memo to self: MUST LOSE FOOD 2 LOSE WEIGHT!

[Still imitating that book.]

05/04/00

I may not think I’m great

May always put me down

But God really does care

And through his love he’s shown…

He is mighty

He is kind

He is Just

11/18/00 – 9:15 pm

Around 7:30, [my other grandpa] died. I never was that close to him. No word on funeral dates. Mom said that her and Dad would give us each $100 cash for Christmas – like he once did as a memory. I feel REALLY BAD saying this, but I kind of wanted him to die so I could miss school and wear my new dress, but that’s cruel. So, today I told myself to help him live a happy life the rest of his life and not to be in pain, and to be nice, and don’t will him to die. So, I did, and so did he. Die, I mean. I’m not really sad. I only saw him once in awhile. I’m not trying to sound like I don’t care, ‘cuz I do, I care about Grandma and Mom, and my uncles. How will they react?

-

If I could go back in time, I would tell my elementary/middle school self to:

1. Stop blaming myself for things that didn't go right in my life, while complimenting/praising/thanking the world (or God) when things actually did go right. I did this a lot more in middle school and high school too, but you can see it in my journal as early as eight years old. I wrote: "I’m mad at my body for causing these problems" - when I had a cold. Like it was actually my fault/my body's fault that I got sick. I still do this. I very rarely let myself actually be proud of myself and acknowledge successes, attributing my success or happiness to some outside force that just "happened" to work out for me. But then when things don't go my way, I do blame myself. It's not a healthy pattern, and it apparently started early. I'm tempted to blame Christianity (everything good is a gift from God, but anything bad is either a "test" from God or some sort of punishment I've brought on myself for falling short of what He wanted me to do) - but I think it's a bit more than that, and that Christianity was not solely to blame for that attitude I established (though it probably didn't help).

2. Stop acting like I was anxious/worried about stuff just because I thought I was supposed to; because that's what teenagers did. Pretending to be concerned about my weight or my looks or grades or anything else just turned into REAL worries, and I think if I had only worried when I was legitimately worried anyway instead of talking myself *into* being worried about things, I might have been a bit happier.

3. Stop being in such a hurry to grow up and savor my childhood more. I think everyone falls into this trap, and there's not much we can do about it, but still. It would've been nice if I'd appreciated it a bit more.